I like clothes, real clothes at least. SackBoy however, he doesn’t care. His floppily imprecise jumps to certain death aren’t softened by the gleam of a freshly ironed top. And you, you don’t care either. Years of manipulation have taught you to want to care. Taught you that by being one of one million people to consume something you will be unique. Persuaded you to part with your money, convinced that you want whatever the money will buy.
But, really you’re deluded. You’re deluded like those people who clothe their pets, justifying the abuse by saying the pet likes it. Roll up your sleeves and show us the fresh claw marks that tell the real story.
If SackBoy wasn’t sack and was made of claw, he’d smash through the glass of your pristine HD-TV - the TV you’ve been conditioned to want - enraged at the mere suggestion of clothing him in that t-shirt. He’d slice your capitalist fingers clean off to prevent adding funds to your wallet. And if you weren’t such a self-abuser, he’d probably sew them back on before blood loss took you. But you are a self-abuser, and a loser too.
You can try to justify your purchase, your freedom to choose, and you can also get a real t-shirt, drench it in petrol, place it in your mouth, and set it aflame.
I’d pay £3.99 to see that.
The views expressed here are those of therealcelshady and not of TSA. therealcelshady can be contacted at therealcelshady@thesixthaxis.com
November 13th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Oooh, vitriolic!
I like therealcelshady already! Nofi, please let him do reviews too!
nofi Says:
November 13th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
You’re kidding, right?
nineself Says:
November 13th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
At least let him do the reviews for the really bad games. Then he can really empty his bile duct!
cc_star Says:
November 13th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
A review of Golden Axe Beastmaster would be good
I’d pay 3.99 to read that
November 13th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
I’m saying nothing. NOTHING!
Well, nothing much anyway.
November 13th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
I’m loving the disclaimer, we should see more :p
Diver68 Says:
November 13th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
LOL…..
November 13th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Reminded me of reading RedEye in the Edge. Only his disclaimer said “RedEye is a veteran videogame journalist. His views do not necessarily coincide with Edge’s”
Mmm…….has RedEye changed his name to therealcelshady?
November 13th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
I don’t even have a HDTV. (shameful)
November 13th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
hahah I personally loved that
November 13th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Brutal and straight-to-the-point-to-the-point-no-faking. Screw the virtual t-shirt on the Store. The clothing already in the game (read: free) is another story.
Los Havros Says:
November 13th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
I think it’s outrageous that the ‘week one’ t-shirt costs that much. I got the impression that it was going to be free for those who preordered the game, but alas, it seems not.
Whoever’s decision to sell what should have been a free item, at such an outrageous price has made an error of judgement. It’s just cashing in on those who want to feel special.
For the record, everyone, my sackboy has a fine moustache, some Harry Potter-esque glasses, and a motorcycle helmet. No t-shirt, no pants!
colossalblue Says:
November 14th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
I can’t believe you’ve neglected to include a cape in that get-up. Surely its essential?
November 13th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
I can’t see myself ever buying a costume for my sackguy either. But I do want him to be dressed in something interesting, but then the free costumes seem to work fine for that. The combinations are enough to end up looking unique anyway.
November 13th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
one word. AWESOME.
very funny, very angry, my kinda post. 5 stars
Pingu Says:
November 14th, 2008 at 10:52 am
Seconded.
November 13th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
I’d pay 3.99 for a ‘gimp’ costume…er…i think?
Michael Says:
November 13th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
We all would. Wouldn’t we?
November 14th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
I live in Australia and got caught up in the mega MEGA hype surrounding LBP (you think I would learn after getting burned by GTA IV) and thought it would be a wise idea to pay AU$120 (instead of the AU$89 it would be selling at), to get a copy of LBP two weeks before it came out in Aus by ordering off Play-asia.com. I paid for mega super expensive (and actually super quick) shipping from UPS. I ordered it on the Monday night a 9pm and got it Thursday 9am - laughing!
Played the game - meh, the servers weren’t up, smashed through single player and then started to try and create things - meh, too hard. I would have though my graphic design skillz (yes… with a Z) would have come in handy - but no… Anyway, nearly had one of those retarded moments where you buy stupid stuff on the PSN (I wasn’t even drunk this time!!! *shudders at high velocity bowling*). I thought I would buy those new LBP costumes on the PSN store because they are so damn irresistible! I mean C’MON!!! Who doesn’t want a shark head and gorilla body for their sack boy?!?
I went to play the game tonight… and I actually ejected it from the drive. Stuck in my copy of Burnout Paradise and I couldn’t be any happier. All this free stuff from Criterion games nearly brought a tear to my eye - the quality of it all is so freakin’ unbelievable!
I stared intently at my copy of LBP just sitting there, waiting, staring back at me with those big button eyes, begging me to play it. I then realised I better buy some lube for the next time I play LBP - I am sick of getting raped by them and walking like a cowboy for the rest of the week. I know it is early days, but I can just see how they are going to be milking this IP for every dollar, cent and tear they can grab from us.
I am absolutely pissed off at their pricing model and I cannot imagine how much they will be charging for a level pack.
I think I am ebaying my copy of LBP.
Michael Says:
November 14th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
Nice post. The love for Criterion’s handling of BP DLC seems to be universally positive. I’m hoping everyone else learns from it.
November 14th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
OK therealcelshady, now close your eyes… take a deep breath… count to ten and RELAX!
Nice disclaimer, nofi
November 14th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
All these comments about the controls make me sad. My sackboy makes me happy with his little arms and legs waggling as he pulls the sponge or flopping about as he leaps across gaps.
I wish I lived in littlebigplanet, I’m gonna go wrap my self in cloth and dress up like a spaceman