My Top Ten: Things Games Have Taught Me

Life is full of important lessons, most of mine have come from video games…

• Sideways is the only way to drive around a bend.
• I can’t swim until I get my sequel.
• In my sequel there will be a convenient air-opportunity just before I drown.
• Never, under any circumstances, should I stand next to a stack of red barrels. Grey barrels are usually fine.
• If I murder people the police will be after me but laying low for a few minutes will make them give up and completely forget that a crime ever took place.
• When an enemy hears me they will look for me but as long as I stay thirty feet away they can’t see me. Even though I can still see, and hear, them.
• If I am about to encounter an enemy who can only be killed with a rocket launcher then I will trip over a rocket launcher in an adjacent room.
• I can rule the galaxy until I connect to the internet. Then a 13-year-old from Arkansas kicks my ass and calls me a “fag”. 13-year-olds from Arkansas are the worst kind of tough.
• Aliens all speak English.
• Things that I can pick up and keep are either shiny or they float in mid-air. I can carry more than the average Transit van.