My Top Ten: Games You Don’t Want Your Kids to Play
Wow, another top ten post! You're getting a bonus top ten today because you're wonderful. Article written by colossalblue in Features, on Friday, July 3, 2009 at 12:00.In a random act of kindness (and also because I realise that my contributions have been a bit down this week and I don’t want you all to fall out with me) I’ve got another, related Top Ten for you. Enjoy!
- Pac-Man (Arcade et al.) – Who wants their kids to learn that standing in darkened room with glowing lights, repetitive, electronic music and an abundance of little white pills is an enjoyable way to spend the weekend? Teaches paranoia, superstition and substance abuse.
- Fable II (360) – on the surface it’s a game about saving the world from a crazed oppressor but just take a moment to think of the other possibilities it allows. Promiscuity, economic slavery and chicken-kicking. Teaches poor sexual hygiene standards, animal cruelty and irresponsible parenting.
- Haze (PS3) – There are many reasons not to recommend this to your children but chief amongst them is the dependency on drugs. Seriously, unless you’re diabetic that is way too many injections to be taking. Teaches addiction, insurgency and poor voice-acting.
- Canis Canem Edit/Bully (PS2) – Good job Rockstar, teach kids that the way to deal with bullies is to er… bully them? I want my kids to learn to stand up to bullies, not become them! Teaches bullying, humiliation and disrespect.
- Grand Theft Auto IV (PS3) – It had to appear somewhere didn’t it? The level of realistic violence and general adult themes in this make it totally unsuitable for minors. It is the poster-child for the “video games corrupt our children” campaigners despite not actually being available to children. Teaches swearing, stealing and, allegedly, a recipe for crystal meth.
- The Jungle Book (SMD) – Not an obvious choice but this game is based on the most racist kid’s film ever. Except Uncle Tom’s Cabin. Think about it, a white kid (they even abandoned the illusion of near-Asian heritage in the game) can’t live among the jungle-life anymore so he has to defeat them to get back to civilisation. All the time stripping the landscape of its natural resources (gems). It’s colonialism of the worst kind. Don’t even get me started on King Louie. Teaches intolerance of different races, colonialism and poor musical taste.
- Metal Gear Solid (PSX) – Snake has a lot of good qualities that would, under normal circumstances, be good to pass on to your children but I’m afraid I can’t get by the obvious character flaws. Teaches use of soft pornography, mocking those with weaker bladders and that smoking is cool.
- RapeLay (PC) – This was released in Japan in 2006. It’s a Hentai (basically Manga porn) game in which the object is to stalk and eventually rape a woman and her two young (possibly pre-teen) daughters. Possibly the most unpleasant piece of “entertainment” ever sold. Teaches political corruption, stalking and rape.
- Manhunt (PS2) – Any game where the objective is to kill people with improvised weaponry (a lot of which could be found around the home) is probably not a great idea for those sullen teenage years. Hide the plastic bags. Teaches multiple methods of murder, casual violence and a limited colour palette.
- SingStar (PS3) – I know a lot of you will leap to this game’s defence but really, how many of you can honestly say you enjoy listening to little kids singing? It’s right up there with cats in pain as one of the worst sounds known to mankind. Even Simon Cowell couldn’t listen to it. Teaches tuneless warbling, awful pop music tastes and unrealistic aspirations of pop stardom.
Comments
Please note that all comments are the opinion of the individual author and not TheSixthAxis.
3shirts | 03/07/2009 12:05
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Wow, the Pac-Man joke? Retro humour
3shirts | 03/07/2009 12:08
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Bully isn’t about bullying, that’s the ignorant mass media angle! It is about surviving a rough school. The only violence you are required to get involved in is self defense.
I think it’s an excellent game and while I probably wouldn’t want young kids to play it, I think it’s fine for over 12’s who have been taught right from wrong properly
3shirts | 03/07/2009 12:09
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Sorry, rough day. I have probably missed the irony. I’ll come back when I’ve had a coffee!
colossalblue | 03/07/2009 12:11
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No, I played it and enjoyed it. It /does/ encourage you to humiliate and attack bullies and not merely in a defensive way.
Not that that’s a bad thing for a game, just a bad thing for kids. And not ignorant – informed.
3shirts | 03/07/2009 12:51
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I disagree, in the game ‘missions’ you are righting wrongs and helping the weak kids get their own back, that’s not bullying.
You CAN go around picking on people for no reason but the game will get you in trouble for that, so it’s not encouraging it.
In real life you can go around attacking innocent people if you want to but there are repercussions and I think it’s important for kids to learn about the outcomes of doing wrong rather than being protected from ever experiencing it.
Milereb | 03/07/2009 12:08
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That Singstar comment is so true. I mean it’s a great game and will surely keep them entertained, just put it in the attic or something where you can’t hear them, because you go mental by the time they finish their second song. :p
Jumping Monks | 03/07/2009 12:13
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lol, I’ve heard that pac-man joke before by some stand up comedian. It’s a fairly sensible list. I struggle to think of anything else. tbh, anything with large doses of violence and gore… but only while they’re really young.
colossalblue | 03/07/2009 12:15
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The Pac Man thing isn’t really a joke is it? I thought it was a common association that people made now?
If I’ve ripped off some hard working comedian then I’m sorry, I thought that theory was common usage!
Roynaldo | 03/07/2009 12:17
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Most of these wouldnt be in my top ten, dead space would definatly be in there… im a grown man and i still shit myself at that, it would give kids nightmares for weeks!!!
Garcha94 | 04/07/2009 17:56
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Lol i totally agree with you lmao. I got it on release date, currently working my way through level 3. I did level 1- got scared and didnt play it again until start of june then did level 2 and go scared again. Im 15 and its kinda scary still, well its not scary, it just surprises you and makes u jump and then turn your playstation off
pay-t | 03/07/2009 12:19
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I feel bad,,,, I played all of those games, with the exeption of Haze and Jungle Book.
cc_star | 03/07/2009 12:19
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Clucking awesome, Cb x 2
Life is awesome
haza103 | 03/07/2009 12:20
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Ah, there’s nout wrong with GTA, i’m only 16 and i remember being addicted to vice city when it came out. But i guess it’s the whole “Do games turn you mental” Argument, but i think any game is fine as long as the parent tells you that it is “just a game”, nothing else.
Downey92 | 03/07/2009 12:23
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What ADULT would want to play Fable 2? Boring…
coolgr33k | 03/07/2009 15:39
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get the potion that makes you a woman!!! lol.
DarthSharkey | 03/07/2009 12:26
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That RapeLay game sounds shocking, Defo don’t let your kids play that one.
3shirts | 03/07/2009 12:33
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Anyone remember Thrill Kill on PS1?
Timesh1993 | 03/07/2009 12:36
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Perfect list, wouldn’t have put Jungle Book in seeing as i have never played it but it sounds like one hell of a racist game.
Kevling | 03/07/2009 12:40
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My daughter loved Dog’s Life, and I have a suspicion that should be on this list.
Who wants a game that teaches your kids to sh*t in the street, then pick it up in their mouth and lob it into the faces of passers-by?
hannes_truce | 03/07/2009 14:24
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I remeber that game. that part of it was AWESOME. the rest was pap.
Tuffcub | 03/07/2009 12:51
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How dare you say The Jungle Book teaches “poor musical taste”. Some of the best Disney songs EVAH.
LivedeviL | 03/07/2009 13:13
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omg I didn’t even realise a game like RapeLay /could/ be released at all! Thats truely shocking.
And the MGS comments got me laughing, especially mocking the weak bladdered folk of our world. (I wonder what would happen if you put some porn in front of Jonny Sasaki? Would he stop and look or go to the toilet?)
3shirts | 03/07/2009 14:08
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I bet he’s into water sports
Hodgi92 | 03/07/2009 13:33
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That RapeLay sounds bloody awful
colossalblue | 03/07/2009 13:35
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It has multiplayer too. Crazy mental.
crestfaller | 03/07/2009 14:17
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/download
j/k :p
coolgr33k | 03/07/2009 15:39
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thw what! i can only imagine what that is, forget The Getaway.