My Top Ten: Games You Don’t Want Your Kids to Play
Wow, another top ten post! You're getting a bonus top ten today because you're wonderful.Published 03/07/2009 at 12:00 by colossalblue
In a random act of kindness (and also because I realise that my contributions have been a bit down this week and I don’t want you all to fall out with me) I’ve got another, related Top Ten for you. Enjoy!
- Pac-Man (Arcade et al.) – Who wants their kids to learn that standing in darkened room with glowing lights, repetitive, electronic music and an abundance of little white pills is an enjoyable way to spend the weekend? Teaches paranoia, superstition and substance abuse.
- Fable II (360) – on the surface it’s a game about saving the world from a crazed oppressor but just take a moment to think of the other possibilities it allows. Promiscuity, economic slavery and chicken-kicking. Teaches poor sexual hygiene standards, animal cruelty and irresponsible parenting.
- Haze (PS3) – There are many reasons not to recommend this to your children but chief amongst them is the dependency on drugs. Seriously, unless you’re diabetic that is way too many injections to be taking. Teaches addiction, insurgency and poor voice-acting.
- Canis Canem Edit/Bully (PS2) – Good job Rockstar, teach kids that the way to deal with bullies is to er… bully them? I want my kids to learn to stand up to bullies, not become them! Teaches bullying, humiliation and disrespect.
- Grand Theft Auto IV (PS3) – It had to appear somewhere didn’t it? The level of realistic violence and general adult themes in this make it totally unsuitable for minors. It is the poster-child for the “video games corrupt our children” campaigners despite not actually being available to children. Teaches swearing, stealing and, allegedly, a recipe for crystal meth.
- The Jungle Book (SMD) – Not an obvious choice but this game is based on the most racist kid’s film ever. Except Uncle Tom’s Cabin. Think about it, a white kid (they even abandoned the illusion of near-Asian heritage in the game) can’t live among the jungle-life anymore so he has to defeat them to get back to civilisation. All the time stripping the landscape of its natural resources (gems). It’s colonialism of the worst kind. Don’t even get me started on King Louie. Teaches intolerance of different races, colonialism and poor musical taste.
- Metal Gear Solid (PSX) – Snake has a lot of good qualities that would, under normal circumstances, be good to pass on to your children but I’m afraid I can’t get by the obvious character flaws. Teaches use of soft pornography, mocking those with weaker bladders and that smoking is cool.
- RapeLay (PC) – This was released in Japan in 2006. It’s a Hentai (basically Manga porn) game in which the object is to stalk and eventually rape a woman and her two young (possibly pre-teen) daughters. Possibly the most unpleasant piece of “entertainment” ever sold. Teaches political corruption, stalking and rape.
- Manhunt (PS2) – Any game where the objective is to kill people with improvised weaponry (a lot of which could be found around the home) is probably not a great idea for those sullen teenage years. Hide the plastic bags. Teaches multiple methods of murder, casual violence and a limited colour palette.
- SingStar (PS3) – I know a lot of you will leap to this game’s defence but really, how many of you can honestly say you enjoy listening to little kids singing? It’s right up there with cats in pain as one of the worst sounds known to mankind. Even Simon Cowell couldn’t listen to it. Teaches tuneless warbling, awful pop music tastes and unrealistic aspirations of pop stardom.
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Michael | 03/07/2009 13:55
Team TSA: Development
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Ahhhhh, Manhunt. How I love that game.
Snebjnr | 03/07/2009 14:52
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That rapelay should never exist, it sounds shockin! What a dispecable game!! >:(
An ok list, altho somethings such as Resident Evil, Dead Space and possibly FEAR 1/2 should be considered =S
coolgr33k | 03/07/2009 15:38
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419 TSA Points | Member since: Feb 2009
the 1st getaway had alot of swearing, tourture, and some, lets say places where only men enjoy and theres a pole, and some clothes less people. lol. i think it could be worse than some gta’s but its quite non-kidish. i played it when it came out and i was like 11 or sumfin. but i wasnt bothered lol, i thought it was one of the best games ever made and when my xbox broke(before i got ps3) i went on my ps2 and played it again, its amazing. (i also played gran turismo 3 and mgs2) lol.
coolgr33k | 03/07/2009 15:42
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o i forgot, THE THING. omg it was so scary or sumfin(i was like 10) and the fing is the controls were bad so these zombie monster things would be getting closer and u cant equipt the right gun. also the cinematics and music was horrible, like blood on the floor everywhere.
i havent bought dead space but ive played the demo, i think THE THING(ps2) was more scary. maybe becuase i was little though.
colmshan1990 | 04/07/2009 12:12
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Oh my God, it was so embarassing one day when I was playing my PS2 and the first Getaway a few years ago when my grandparents came to visit just as that cut scene came on. I got a few odd looks until I realised that the PS2 was still on!
Raen | 03/07/2009 16:05
Team TSA: Writer
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Excellent list
toutski | 05/07/2009 14:06
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Yeah great read.
YOURMUMANDME | 03/07/2009 17:39
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How did you even find out about RapeLay ? lol
the GTA one reminds me of a younger family member who asked ” why do women always get in the car when you peep the horn ? ”
women are like that …..
coolgr33k | 04/07/2009 20:50
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419 TSA Points | Member since: Feb 2009
i like ur name lmao.
yeh i wondered that question when i was little aswell lol. i didnt understand games though lol.
rht992 | 03/07/2009 17:46
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er if you don’t want kids to have nightmares avoid dead space
coolgr33k | 04/07/2009 20:52
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if i can see the enemies im happy, but when there coming out from no where behind you, thats freeky. but now i dont care aslong as i have a weapon, il kill anything(virtually lol, not real life)
Dave | 03/07/2009 18:14
* Banned *
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Thank God you don’t work for the BBFC!
deadwelsh | 05/07/2009 10:01
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What about Viz on the Amiga? Surely racing along with your oversized balls in a wheel barrow is not a good example, as is farting to blow up as many baloons as possible in a minute!
Nathan-I | 05/07/2009 10:14
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Fact: Every single person who read/commented this article went and googled/google imaged Rapelay.
djhsecondnature | 05/07/2009 13:24
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Haha! I haven’t! I already read about it on N4G a while back
Nathan-I | 06/07/2009 00:12
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Ok, everyone except from those that own it already
I admit I went and googled it. I was too curious about how they’d actually implement it. Was a bit disappointed that it’s just a perverted Petz.
Only in Japan eh…
xdarkmagician | 05/07/2009 13:15
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I realize that everyone is going to have their own ideas on how violent or offensive games are and who should play those games. I respect your opinion, but this seems more like a personal attack on these games, then an accurate list, with the exception of simulated rape. Where are any horror titles? The games that have real porn in them? Or games like Hitman, Max Payne, or Postal? Pac-Man? Seriously? The Guy Game has a topless 17 year old girl in it. You could direct porn in GTA3. The original build of Manhunt 2 wasn’t even released. A game like Deadspace has to be more damaging than The Jungle Book. I’d rather have kids think it’s ok to smoke while hunting terrorists then thinking they can hide under a cardboard box from one. While I enjoyed reading it, I think the only thing this list accomplished was an unintentional boost in sales for RapeLay.
djhsecondnature | 05/07/2009 13:23
Team TSA: Media
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The article was not meant to be a which are the worse 10 games for kids to play as that would be relatively easy to produce. It was to take a more abstract look at games and inject a bit of humour into what would otherwise have been a rather mundane piece.
coolgr33k | 04/07/2009 20:49
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ooooooo thats ur reputation gone for your whole life lol. i feel for you lol. that must have left alot of thoughts in their heads lol. redeem yourself by playing: flower lmao.