My Top Ten: Genres I Want
There are a number of normal gaming genres, what if I want something different? Article written by colossalblue in Features, on Friday, July 10, 2009 at 12:00.This is the first top ten list compiled after I appealed for subjects on the forums. This one was Roarster’s idea and when I fell out of bed this morning and found myself lacking in the top ten department it seemed like the easiest one for me to make funny. Thanks Roarster!
- The Bicycle Simulation. We’ve had flight sims for years and Japan goes nuts for train sims. We’ve even had car racing sims. I want a bike sim where you have to realistically cycle to work in the freezing fog and drizzle whilst car drivers beep their horns at you and drive dangerously close at sixty miles per hour. In my dreams the chain always snaps a few hundred yards onto the dual-carriageway and you oil-stain your best suit.
- The DIY Rhythm Game. Who needs stupid half-size plastic guitars when you could have full sized plastic power tools? Levels include putting up a shelf, hammering together a shed and trying to plaster a wall without it looking like a dirty protest.
- The Overstressed FPS. I’m tired of the right-wing spuriously blaming video games for every school shooting or crazed employee in the USA. I’d like the industry to fight back. This game should include slogans on the loading screen like: “who does he think he is?”, “they don’t have to take you alive, your name will live on forever”, “he’s not the boss of you” and “they’ll have to notice you now”.
- The Realistic Dating Sim. There are a few games that claim to be in the Dating-game genre already but they’re not realistic. I want something to be available with a range of different box-art options, some which don’t even contain discs. When you find one with a disc in the box you have to use the game to purchase several dinners, some expensive trips and holidays and a few hastily-conjured birthday presents. Over time the game shows you some, increasingly bad, porn and after a few years it stops letting you play it and eventually clears your bank account and installs itself on your best friend’s PC.
- The Office Racing Game. This one might be a bit of a stretch so bear with me. Imagine racing co-workers around office buildings. You would have to run around offices, sending business-types diving for cover, aiming to be the first to the water cooler. I see it playing like Mirror’s Edge but with the ability to throw staplers at fellow competitor’s heads. Security guards and badly stacked photocopy paper are great obstacles and picture your delight when you realise that the sequel will include an accurate representation of that office around the corner from you!
- The Sandbox Stripper. You play a stripper, working private functions in Los Angeles. The aim is to raise enough money to pay yourself through college by visiting your agency and getting “missions”. Hazards include over-zealous punters and stag nights that would like their entertainment to have a “happy ending”. Could feature some character-creation and light RPG elements.
- The Law Enforcement Mechanic. You’ve all played those games where you’re a hardened criminal, running from the cops in your generic US muscle car. The police cars are flipping, spinning and crunching into obstacles all around you but when you finally escape those cars have to be fixed. That is when you go to “Bert Diggins – Cop-Car Mechanic”. Gameplay mechanics require you to suck air through your teeth and over-estimate expenses while smoking little roll-up cigarettes and patching up an endless procession of beat-up police cars.
- The Debating Game. Imagine an old-school 2D fighting game like Street Fighter II. Now imagine that no matter how annoying the other “combatant” is you’re not allowed to punch him in the face. You win the round by defeating the other person’s point. Headsets are, obviously, an advantage but you can text chat if you want to. Subjects will include politics, religion and science with DLC coming in the shape of current-affairs packs. The online multiplayer is awful.
- Point-and-Click Action Adventure Web Design Game. You have to use your mouse and keyboard to deal with clients through a simulated email interface. They make unreasonable demands and you have to click around the interface to make their wishes come true. Oh wait, I think that’s a job rather than a game?
- The “Peculiar Sports” Party Game. I’m tired of bowls and tennis on my Wii. Give me dwarf-tossing, zorbing, extreme ironing and shin-kicking and I might buy the latest party game compilation.
Comments
Please note that all comments are the opinion of the individual author and not TheSixthAxis.
hannes_truce | 10/07/2009 12:12
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I want to play a shin kicking game
great top ten cb
citizeninsane45 | 10/07/2009 12:15
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I think you might find most of them available on the Wii(!)
rht992 | 10/07/2009 12:17
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“dwarf-tossing” . . . . . . . hmm. I think i noticed somebody a while back saying a pirate RPG would be great but at the mo i can’t think of anything myself
Tuffcub | 10/07/2009 12:19
Team TSA: Writer
3448 TSA Points | Member since: Dec 2008
Arrr, there be a Pirates Of The Caribean MMRPGORG whatsit in the works jim lad.
rht992 | 10/07/2009 12:42
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yeah but that will be rubbish
Tuffcub | 10/07/2009 12:17
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How about a Bitch’Em Up? Take all the characters from Streetfighter, Tekken etc and rather than punching, have them slang insults.
“You’re hair is SO 1996!”
Roarster | 10/07/2009 12:28
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You really should play Monkey Island…
Snebjnr | 10/07/2009 12:18
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Lmao what a list!
Seriously tho….a stripper game!!??
Tuffcub | 10/07/2009 12:20
Team TSA: Writer
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Doing nothing to reinforce the assumption that gamers are sad loners who want to see digitised tits cos they cant get anywhere near real ones.
colossalblue | 10/07/2009 12:27
Team TSA: Editor
1146 TSA Points | Member since: Forever
Alright Tuffcub, there’ll be the option to play as a male stripper via the character-creation tools.
Happier now?
Lanselta | 10/07/2009 15:09
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Nothing wrong with digitised boobies, and im no sad loner. Well, maybe the fiance is just feeling sorry for me….
Firewarrior706 | 10/07/2009 12:21
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w00t the Dwarf-Tossing
Day one purchase!
Hodgi92 | 10/07/2009 12:24
The Thumb
969 TSA Points | Member since: Forever
Brilliant!
(once again)
Roarster | 10/07/2009 12:28
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Hey, I’m famous!
Personally, I’d quite like to play an explore ‘em up game. Basically, something with a well developed and interesting world to explore like Fallout 3 but with no annoying enemies or boring grinding to get in the way.
You could even have quests but rather than the usual “kill 10 quimquots” it could be something like “help end a war (peacefully)”.
nofi | 10/07/2009 12:34
Wants a custom tag.
3870 TSA Points | Member since: Forever
I would too. I’d kill for a 3D Middle Earth just to wander around in. Loving the latest Harry Potter game for the same reason.
Kevling | 10/07/2009 13:04
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You’d kill for a peaceful RPG?
LivedeviL | 10/07/2009 12:32
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My office is looking rather interesting now, I’m picturing the best line to where the water cooler is: Wallrun over the photocopier, followed by a wall jump over the filing cabinets, break roll for a soft landing then either vault or slide under the next desk. Easy
I love how the realistic dating sim comes with being stood up on the initial purchase
genius.
For peculiar sports try Yeti Olympics: http://www.prosieben.de/games_handy/onlinegames/yetisports/games/popup_game_ylympics/
LivedeviL | 10/07/2009 12:33
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OMG, there are lots of red items in interesting places that I’ve never taken notice of before :O
marvzilla | 10/07/2009 12:35
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—
rht992 | 10/07/2009 12:44
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dude you are sick in the head!
marvzilla | 10/07/2009 15:44
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obviously a little too sick
maximiliano | 10/07/2009 12:59
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I was blown away buy the Overstressed FPS, I would play that any time! Awesome idea man!
Kevling | 10/07/2009 13:04
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I love the sound of Office Racing. As long as it includes an Office Chair Racing minigame.
teflon | 10/07/2009 13:04
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Isnt the Overstressed FPS somewhat akin to Postal and Postal 2? In both games you could go through it without shooting a gun or killing anyone, but in the end you do, then you set their corpses on fire and then you wee on them. Then you walk around town with your shlong hanging out…
As to the Office Racing game, this is, I believe, half way there:
http://www.ambrosiasw.com/games/harry/
DIY rhythm game… Cant youy just do DIY to Right Said Fred?
3 down, 7 to go!
Whoever it was that said that most of these are basically Wii games is spot on.
Boomshanks | 10/07/2009 13:07
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How can Cb be so funny. It just isn’t possible. Where does he get the inspiration. If only one developer had thought of The “Peculiar Sports” Party Game they’d be rich now. Extreme ironing for the win
Loving the The Realistic Dating Sim btw
Especially the fact that it takes all of your money and installs on your friends PC. Will it f*ck him up too?
mcphatty | 10/07/2009 13:08
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Brilliant, great read CB! My favourite was The Realistic Dating Sim, very bloody funny monsieur.