TSA Advent Day 23: The Console Nativity Part II
The final act - who is the father? You will never guess..Published 23/12/2009 at 10:00 by Tuffcub
TSA Advent Calendar: Day 24 [7]
TSA Advent Calendar: Day 20 [12]
TSA Advent Calendar: Day 15 [18]
The shocking conclusion to the Console Nativity. Who is the father of Bayonetta’s child? How many crap gags can I fit in? And what rhymes with ‘Frankincense’? Read on to find out. If you missed part one, it’s here.
Night time, Kratos and Bayonetta are in a stable, straw is scattered across the floor and a single lamp flickers in one corner. Heavy Rain can be heard falling outside. .
Bayonetta: It’s hardly the Waikiki Prince Hotel but it will do I guess.
Kratos: Never mind my love, we don’t need five star room service or epidurals.
Bayonetta: Well actually I’d quite like an epidural rather than experience the agony of natural child birth. Give me drugs. Now.
Kratos: Alas my love, I have none. Calm you mind and listen to soothing voices of the animals whose stable we share. Look over yonder, there is.. uhm.. a dragon.
Spyro: Good evening.
Kratos:.. and..er.. a blue hedgehog..
Sonic: Howdy!
Kratos:.. and a bandicoot.
Crash: Woohoo!
Kratos: ..and.. I have no idea what that is. Some sort of furry monkey thing?
Eyepet: I’m an Eyepet.
Kratos: Okay.. an Eyepet.
Bayonetta: Surely there should be sheep? Convention dictates that three shepherds are going to show any second and it’s going to be a bit odd with no sheep.
Kratos: Good point. And don’t call me Shirley.
Eyepet: Don’t worry, we can pretend to be sheep, right guys?
Sonic: Yup!
Crash: Indeedy. We can flock like sheep.
Spyro: Heh. Yeah. Flock. We love flocking.
Sonic (sniggering): Yeah, me and Tails flock all night
Bayonetta: That was one mental picture I could of done without, someone pass the mind bleach.
The stable door opens and the three men arrive. They begin to sing..
While shepherds watched their flocks by night.
They see a bright new SingStar
Karaoke versions of Britney Spears
the music seems to come from afar
Hark now hear Angels sung,
Robbie Williams biggest hit,
A man who regret forever more
the day Take That he decided to quit.
Bayonetta: That was more to do with pop music rather than with games!
Kratos: Yes, but the author is hoping he can get away with it by mentioning Singstar – and there was a Singstar: Take That.
Bayonetta: Gotcha. So who are these three visitors?
General Shepherd: I am General Shepherd from Call Of Duty 2: Modern Warfare!
Alex Shepherd: I am Alex Shepherd from Silent Hill Homecoming!
Commander Shepard: I am Commander Shepard from Mass Effect!
Spyro: So that makes you..
General Shepherd: The Three Shepherds.
Eyepet: Clever.
Alex Shepherd: We have been guided here by the Singstar so we can witness the birth of our lord and saviour. I believe the wise men are just behind us.
A lone man enters the stable.
Crash: One wise man?
Ansem The Wise: Yes, only one. Budget cutbacks, there’s a recession on dontchaknow. If it’s any consolation I was voiced by the mighty Christopher Lee in ‘Kingdom Hearts’.
Kratos: Impressive!
Ansem: I bring gifts for the new born king, Everybody’s Golf, Splatterhouse and Pure.
Commander Shepard: That wasn’t as clever as the Three Shepherds gag.
Eyepet: Well you find a game that rhymes with “Frankincense”.
Crash: Quiet! I think the baby is about to be born!
Bayonetta starts to grunt and groan as she gives birth
Kratos: Eww that’s disgusting. I’ve gutted harpies that look prettier than that.
With a comedy ‘pop!’ sound effect, the baby is born.
Kratos: Is it a boy? Is it a girl? Tell me what it is!
Alex Shepherd: Congratulations, you’ve had a baby.. Milo!
Milo: Hello! I am Milo!You are wearing a brown loincloth!
Bayonetta: What?!?
Milo: You look sad. Play with me, I promise not to tell anyone you like playing with small boys.
Kratos: WHAT?!?!?
Milo: Hello! You are wearing a brown loincloth!
Commander Shepard: I can see this getting irritating very quickly.
Milo: Hello! I am Milo! Why not use you hands to touch me virtually!
Kratos (to Milo): SHUT UP!
Kratos (to Bayonetta): Explain why your son is Project Natal’s Milo and not the Son Of God?
Bayonetta: Well, er.. there’s a simple explanation..
Kratos: And is it is…?
Bayonetta: Er…
Sonic: I can explain, for Milo is my son!
Kratos: Your son? But he looks nothing like you! He’s not blue or spikey!
Sonic: Ah but that is because I am in a cunning disguise! I am in fact…
Sonic rips of what we now know to be a mask and costume to reveal..
Peter Molyneux: Peter Molyneux!
Everyone gasps in shock
Eyepet: Oh. My. God. Peter Molyneux has been flocking Tails! Call the RSPCA!
Molyneux: Yes it really is me, my destiny has been fulfilled!
Kratos: What the hell are you on about?
Molyneux: I, Peter Molyneux, creator of the first “God Sim”, Populous, have now created the virtual saviour, Milo! He is the Son Of (the) God (sim creator)! Worship him.. and me! I can do no wrong!
Crash: Really? You used to make ground breaking games. Populous, Magic Carpet, Syndicate.. and now you’re making virtual boys?
Spyro: He’s got a point.. virtual children? Is that what people really want?
Bayonetta: It’s a little bit creepy, admit it.
Molyneux: It is not.
Ansem: Oh yes it is.
Molyneux: Oh no it’s not.
Milo: Touch me, I like it!
Molyneux looks Milo and grimaces slightly..
Molyneux: Well maybe he is a little bit creepy…
Kratos: All the money has clouded your judgement, you are not God and you cannot create virtual life.
Molyneux: But.. but.. those nice people at the Temple of Microsoft said I can!
Bayonetta: You’ve started believe your own hype Peter.
Molyneuxs face as crumples as he realises what he has created
Molyneux: Oh… oh my.. what have I done! I have worshipped false gods! The money lenders in the temple have led me astray and made me believe that people want a creepy boy in their televisions when what they really want is ‘Syndicate 2010’ in 1080P with 7.1 surround sound! Oh woe is me!
Milo: You look sad, let’s going fishing!
Molyneux: Oh feck off Milo! Someone pull the plug on him and load up Modern Warfare 2!
Everyone: Woohoo!
Kratos: This is more like it! This is the spirit of Christmas gaming, kill streaks, head shots and multiplayer frag matches!
Bayonetta: Bring it on baby! Happy Christmas everyone!
Everyone: Happy Christmas!
The End
Comments
Please note that all comments are the opinion of the individual author and not TheSixthAxis.
Vandix | 23/12/2009 10:13
Member
1198 TSA Points | Member since: Mar 2009
Nice twist, Tuffcub… Syndicate 2010 would be awesome! Or Populous 2010, for that matter…
teflon | 23/12/2009 10:37
Member
1997 TSA Points | Member since: May 2009
Haha, I should’ve seen that one coming…
And thank you for the Shirley joke from Airplane. I like to be surprised by it occasionally from places I never expect.
kevatron400 | 23/12/2009 10:42
Don't call him Kevatron400.
1756 TSA Points | Member since: Dec 2008
Really good! I’m sad it is only a two-parter.
djhsecondnature | 23/12/2009 11:00
Team TSA: Media
890 TSA Points | Member since: Forever
Haha! Fantastic!
tobo_56 | 23/12/2009 11:01
Member
433 TSA Points | Member since: May 2009
lol! Brilliant idea to write these very funny
TheShepanator | 23/12/2009 11:05
Member
561 TSA Points | Member since: Nov 2009
I was right! It was sonic’s baby, kind of… and call of duty 2: modern warfare? isn’t it just modern warfare 2? Those airplane gags never get old, and don’t call me shirley!
DRCD1 | 23/12/2009 13:01
Member
912 TSA Points | Member since: Dec 2008
Yeah it’s Call of Duty modern warfare 2, Call of Duty 4 Modern warfare 2 or Call of Duty 6: Modern Warfare 2 or Modern Warfare 2. There was also Call of Duty 2 and CoD2 Big Red One. I loved the shepards gag
iNsAnE_gAmInG | 23/12/2009 11:06
* Banned *
-1930 TSA Points | Member since: Jul 2009
Great! Even better than the first one.
“”"Bayonetta: Surely there should be sheep? Convention dictates that three shepherds are going to show any second and it’s going to be a bit odd with no sheep.Kratos: Good point. And don’t call me Shirley.”"”
I found that bit hilarious, I am not entirely certain why though as it is not a particularly great gag, I can just imagine Kratos replying like that to Bayonetta.
BIGAL-1992 | 23/12/2009 11:11
Member
1250 TSA Points | Member since: Jan 2009
That was a smart twist, i’ll give you that.
Lorcan | 23/12/2009 11:16
Team TSA: Writer
1248 TSA Points | Member since: Oct 2008
That was amazing!
I just wish the nativity story was longer so that you could have written more!
Pitcher-T | 23/12/2009 11:21
Member
422 TSA Points | Member since: Jan 2009
absolutly amazing. Best thing Iv read all year, lmao. I agree with kevatron, shame it’s only two parts. Love the Airplane joke aswell
Spotter5 | 23/12/2009 11:26
Member
861 TSA Points | Member since: Forever
“Touch me! I like it!”
haz360 | 23/12/2009 11:27
Member
421 TSA Points | Member since: Forever
What a twist. Brilliant ending
didn’t see that coming.
Phil_E | 23/12/2009 11:57
Member
679 TSA Points | Member since: Forever
Brilliant. Better twist than some of Shyamalan’s
gazzagb | 23/12/2009 12:31
Master of speling mitakse
2760 TSA Points | Member since: Feb 2009
Love the bit from Airplane!; “Dont call me Shirley”.
Brilliant TC!
Michael | 23/12/2009 13:08
Team TSA: Development
2215 TSA Points | Member since: Forever
Absolutely brilliant. Well done!