Abridged Too Far – Heavy Rain

Norman Jayden pulled up at a crime scene and went to open the car door before deciding not to. He then moved in slow motion, grabbing the door handle and exiting. He stepped out into the rain and moved toward the cordoned-off area where the latest victim of the Origami Killer had been found. Police stopped him from crossing the barrier.

POLICEMAN: Who are you?

JAYDEN: I’m Naaman Jayden of the F.B.I.

POLICEMAN: Who?

JAYDEN: Naaman Jayden.

POLICEMAN: That’s an unusual name.

JAYDEN: It’s a very common name.

POLICEMAN: I can honestly say I have never heard the name Naaman before in my life.

JAYDEN: You must have. Naaman Mailer, Naaman Rockwell, Naaman Wisdom and not forgetting Spider-Man’s enemy – Naaman Osborn.

POLICEMAN: Oh. You mean Norman?

JAYDEN: That’s what I said. Naaman.

POLICEMAN: Riiight.

Jayden was finally allowed into the crime scene and he looked for Detective Blake – the man in charge. After getting very little information from him and arranging to meet up back at the station, Jayden put on some very hi-tech sunglasses and a very hi-tech glove – this was known as ARI. The technology allowed him to find all manner of things from his surroundings such as blood, footprints, finger prints and pollen. He activated the glove and several pieces of evidence were highlighted. He bent down to investigate them.

JAYDEN: ARI comment: Used condom. This is of no interest to the investigation. ARI Comment: Victim’s finger prints. It may be useful but I won’t actually do anything with this evidence because I’m actually going to be quite useless throughout this entire investigation.

He also found some Chevrolet tyre tracks belonging to the Origami Killer’s car. Apparently it’s a Chevrolet. These tyre tracks were a significant lead, especially seeing as they belong to a Chevrolet.

Jayden left the crime scene and headed back to the Police station.

Day: Tuesday
Time: 7:55pm
Weather: Pissing it down

Back at the Police Station Jayden introduced himself to the chief of Police who asked him to do his tie for him. After completing a double Windsor, Jayden wiped the Police Chief’s nose so that he was presentable for his press conference about the murder. Jayden didn’t stay to listen to the press brief as nothing exciting or relevant was revealed that he didn’t already know. He wandered around the Station before asking a patronising secretary where his office was. She asked him to donate to a fund for a gold watch to celebrate someone’s promotion. He told her to shove it and she showed him to his office.

The office was more like a broom cupboard. He sat down and started shaking – Jayden was secretly a junkie. He needed his next fix and, because Jayden wasn’t a quitter, he took a dose of triptocane.

He put on the ARI and entered a virtual world. He was able to change the scenery and he chose an underwater scene; he was awaiting the latest software update as it included the Playboy Mansion but he had been reluctant to update due to a lot of reports that it actually disabled the technology altogether.

He reviewed the evidence he had collected. The tyre tracks belong to a Chevrolet, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that.

Elsewhere in the Police Station, Ethan Mars had come in to report his son missing. Detective Blake was asking him questions and Jayden arrived to listen in.

BLAKE: What time did you enter the park and what was Shaun wearing?

ETHAN: 4:15pm exactly and he had a beige on beige ensemble.

BLAKE: It took you 4 hours to report it? What were you doing?

ETHAN: I searched for him for at least half an hour and then I watched the latest episode of Lost before having some dinner and washing. Could…The Origami Killer have taken him?

BLAKE: More than likely. We’ll keep looking over night.

There was now a new case to investigate and they had to be quick to save Shaun Mars’ life.

Day: Wednesday
Time: 9:31am
Weather: Shit, but this part’s set completely indoors so we don’t get to see just how shit it is

Jayden was presenting his thoughts on the Origami Killer and the current evidence to the Police Chief and detective Blake and a random cop that we don’t hear from again. He explained that he only killed when the rain level was around 6 inches and, seeing as the children drowned in rain water, that he must hold them in a well of some kind.

BLAKE: This is all well and good you fucking idiot, but what the fuck does this all mean. I’m getting fucking angry.

JAYDEN: Yeah…well…so’s your mum.

Jayden wasn’t very good at confrontation but the tried and tested comeback of ‘so’s your mum’ worked a treat.

Jayden’s evidence had lead him to two suspects that fit the profile. The first was a man named Nathaniel.

Detective Blake and Jayden went and paid Nathaniel a visit but he wasn’t home. Blake kicked the door in; it was actually unlocked but Blake prefers to do things his own way. They entered the flat and the ceiling and walls were covered in crucifixes and numerous copies of the bible were scattered around. It was religious chic with a slight hint of trampy deco.

Nathaniel finally showed up and was cornered by Blake who shouted at him for being religious and mentally unwell. He pushed him to the floor.

JAYDEN: BLAKE! Stop it.

BLAKE: Or what?

JAYDEN: I’ll keep telling you to stop until you finish what it is you’re going to do anyway.

Nathaniel, acting in self defence, pulled a gun on Blake. Jayden pulled his gun on Nathaniel. Using his monotone voice, Jayden calmed Nathaniel and got him to lower his gun. He wasn’t the Origami Killer.

Day: Wednesday
Time: 4.26pm
Weather: It’s still really shit. The driving conditions are horrendous

Blake and Jayden then tracked down their second suspect outside a market. They approached him but he immediately fled. He does have a tattoo on his neck so this automatically makes him a bad guy. Jayden gave chase but didn’t have a particularly hard time tracking him down as the outcome would have been the same even if he had walked. He finally had the suspect trapped inside a meat freezer. The carcases of pigs that hung from the ceiling made for an excellent hiding place.

Jayden made his way forward, gun drawn and nervous. All of a sudden the suspect pounced and hit Jayden with a crow bar. But Jayden could take it…he was smacked off his tits on triptocane, after all. Jayden quickly grabbed the crow bar and knocked his attacker out cold. They took him back to the station.

Having been interrogated by some Policemen that we don’t know and won’t see again, it was clear that this suspect wasn’t the Origami Killer either. Jayden’s detective skills are awesome. Just then Ethan Mars’ ex-wife came into the Police station

EX-WIFE: Did I mention Ethan’s schitzo?

BLAKE: No?

EX-WIFE: Oh. He’s schitzo. In fact I think he’s the origami killer.

Seeing as Ethan Mars had just been dobbed right in it by his ex, Blake and Jayden went and paid his shrink a visit.

SHRINK: Yeah, he’s schitzo.

BLAKE: TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW.

SHRINK: I just told you. He’s schitzo.

Blake punched the psychiatrist.

JAYDEN: Blake! Stop being such a nob.

They left the shrink and requested full surveillance on Ethan Mars. He was being labelled the Origami Killer.

Jayden went back to his hotel and began playing Chopsticks on the grand piano in the bar. He finished off with a bit of Chas and Dave before being approached by his waiter.

WAITER: You seem down. Why so?

JAYDEN: Ethan Mars isn’t the killer. He doesn’t fit the profile and it would be too obvious and therefore wouldn’t make for a very good story.

WAITER: I see. I’ll be going now but because I’m a wise old barman stroke waiter, I will say that continuing to get smacked off your tits will end very badly for you.

Jayden entered his ARI to find a clue. He had CCTV footage from outside the park where Shaun had been taken. He reviewed it.

JAYDEN: There’s a Chevrolet. It’s a Chevrolet that could be the Chevrolet that left those Chevrolet tyre marks at the crime scene. It was reported to have been stolen by a man nick-named Mad Jack. I’ll pay him a visit.

Day: Thursday
Time: 2:18pm
Weather: I can’t see what the weather’s like due to rain

Jayden pulled up at Mad Jack’s scrap yard. There were mountains of scrap metal and ruined cars. Mad Jack was inside a bulldozer adding more wreckage to the heap. Jayden walked over to him and asked him to get out.

JAYDEN: I’m Naaman Jayden. I’m with the F.B.I. Reports say you handled a blue Chevrolet with distinctive tyres. I don’t care if you did steal the car but I need to know who you stole it for.

MAD JACK: Despite the fact that my head is massive and very oddly shaped, I’m not good with names.

JAYDEN: I’d threaten you with jail but judging by your tattoos I get the impression that you’re a bad guy who’s been in the joint before so you won’t be very impressed.

Mad Jack pulled a gun on Jayden who reacted quickly and knocked the weapon out of his hand. Mad Jack then grabbed a massive piece of metal and began swinging.

JAYDEN: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let’s skip this part because even if I don’t fight you the outcome is going to be the same. So, you lie down there and I’ll point my gun at you.

MAD JACK: Okay.

Jayden now had the upper hand and wasn’t in the mood for pointless dialogue. He fired a warning shot and Mad Jack let out a little wee before explaining that he was told to ring a man named Paco at a club called The Blue Lagoon when the car was ready to go.

At that moment Jayden began to feel the side effects of being a junkie. His vision blurred. His nose bled.

  • To take triptocane and arrest Mad Jack: Put your left arm in, your left arm out, in, out, in, out and shake it all about and then go to page 10
  • To resist triptocane and take your chances in a fight: Run outside, shout ‘Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis’ as loud as possible and then go to page 8
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