How To Play Games: A Response

We’re constantly told videogames are the frontier of entertainment, the epitome of fun and a frequent showcase of what’s possible with today’s technology. Despite what some grumpy old b*stards may want to tell you, all of this is true.

The basics of gaming have not changed for decades because if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. When you load up a game you will be greeted by a title screen that flashes up the publisher and then another listing all the technology. Have you any idea how many thousands of man hours have gone in to creating the Quake engine or the Havoc physics engine? Could you create the complex mathematical formulas that run so that when you crash in Burnout your spectacular crash looks so real? Who are we to begrudge these mathematical geniuses a whole two seconds of fame when their company logo pops up at the start of a game?

Once the brief credits have passed we get to the start screen. We have to press one button to start the game. The game does not start automatically because you might have nipped to make a cup of tea, or maybe the phone rang or perhaps you would like to view some bonus content or change some of the many options before playing. The game is being polite, it’s sat waiting, wagging its tail waiting for its master to begin playtime. Good boy *pats game on head*

When you do delve in to the options screen you may find an overwhelming array of options for sounds, video and controls. I remember the revelation when a ZX Spectrum game allowed you to choose your own keys to play, rather than a predefined set. We have more control on how we view, hear and play games than ever before. Rejoice in the myriad of options; bathe in the glow of slider bars and optional subtitles, you’ve never had it so good.

Once you have tweaked the game to your own personal settings, it’s time to start. Which difficulty level do you choose? Obviously you choose normal, for you are indeed normal, you won’t be a super ninja master of the game to start with but you do require some challenge to justify spending forty quid. If you do not have the time to learn the odd button press combo to create a Super Mega Fireball Kick then perhaps you should play Pac Man instead.

After valiantly battling your way to a save point (which are situated at least every fifteen metres), it’s time to kick back with some pizza and try multiplayer. There are two ways of using the multiplayer option in games.

You can wade in, by yourself, get thrashed to within an inch of your life, give up and cry bitter, salty tears.

Alternatively you could team up with some fellow gamers from TSA and spend many an hour laughing your arse off and having fun. This is exactly what happened last night in Killzone 2 when I, Maneorix, Spoofy and Big Al met up online, by chance, and spent a couple of hours running about killing people whilst chatting on the mics. It was, and always is, brilliant fun when you’ve got some mates on board in multiplayer. Technology has allowed us to have a 32 player deathmatch with voice chat to catch the endless laughter when Spoofy manages to wipe out his entire squad with a mistimed RPG. You couldn’t do that on a ZX Spectrum, and I’d suggest that perhaps if our beloved leader turned off PlayTV for a night and joined in he might rediscover the joyous fun of games.

The case for the defence rests.

This article is a satirical response to a previous satirical article. We’re so complex. And satirical, apparently.