ESRB Smut Watch Update

Greetings my children, Reverend Cub here with the Friday sermon to save your souls from Satan, today’s lesson is ‘Smut is everywhere.’ Once again I have risked offending our Lord by forcing myself to read the disgusting descriptions written by the ESRB so I can better advise you which games to avoid. During my many many hours of investigation I have discovered that smut can be found in any type of game, developers seem to be capable of shoe-horning jigging breasts in to any format they can. Let us take a look at ‘Magic Drop F’, it is described thus;

A puzzle game in which players align falling colored orbs into matching groups-of-three.

What could be more innocent? A pleasing puzzler with bright colours and cheerful music. I have just completed a combo and I am rewarded with. . .  Jiggling BREASTS! Satan has tried to trick us in to thinking this is a game Jesus would play and then sprung a pair of delicious bobbling boobies on the screen!

Another example of Satan’s trickery is the side scrolling shooter “Deathsmiles’ in which;

‘Players fly through the air and destroy fantastical creatures to save the world. Players shoot an array of projectiles (bombs, bullets, scythes, swords, etc.) at pumpkins, spiders, apples’.

Harmless fun! Pumpkins are vegetables, nothing wrong with killing them, and spiders deserve to be murdered for having six more legs than necessary (surely the work of Beelzebub). But wait! What do I spy on screen? Partially exposed buttocks! Avert your eyes children!

Thankfully there is one upcoming game I can recommend. A game that, according to the ESRB, features absolutely no jiggling breasts. Yes ladies and gentlemen, a game totally free of wobbling cupcakes, bereft of vibrating gazonkas and totally lacking in the undulating knockers department. The name of this heavenly game? Lara Croft and the Guardian of Light.

Wait. What?!?

Magic Drop F (PS3) -  During the puzzle portion, female characters with revealing outfits (e.g., bikini tops, tube tops) are displayed in the background; some characters’ breasts bounce slightly after players’ successful combo moves.

BlazBlue: Continuum Shift (PS3, 360)- During fight sequences, some female characters’ breasts jiggle, while other characters make sexually suggestive remarks (e.g., “Boing! Boing! Mmm . . . Your boobies are still the best!”). A “Gallery Mode” includes still images of female character—in provocative poses—wearing outfits that expose a lot of cleavage; a couple of women’s outfits suddenly disappear, revealing near-topless images.

DJMax Portable 3 (PSP) - Still images depict female figures in revealing outfits and suggestive poses. Close-up camera angles sometimes pan on depictions of cleavage.

Deathsmiles (360) – A menu screen depicts the five central characters posing suggestively in revealing outfits. A couple of static images depict the female characters with partially exposed pelvis and buttocks (e.g., a fairy creature and the heroines bathing).

N3II: Ninety-Nine Nights (360) – Consumers may also wish to know that a female demon-like creature with sprouting tentacles does appear topless (i.e., its nipples are clearly visible).

Valkyria Chronicles II (PSP) – Some scenes portray suggestive behavior, including a pool scene in which a female character with large, bouncing breasts loses her bikini top off screen (e.g., “Seriously nice form” and “Y-You lecherous pigs! Stop staring!”). Another scene depicts an accidental groping of a woman’s chest.

Source: ESRB