Sunday Thoughts: My Dream
Dreams are hard work.
Published: 12:00, 30/01/2011 by Peter [Colossalblue].
3I can remember being twelve years old, waiting for most of the day in a game rental store for another customer to return Flashback on the Mega Drive so that I could take it. I sat there with my friend, eating chocolate and drinking cans of Coke and we dreamed about working with video games when we grew up.
Neither of us wanted to make them, there was no complex coding in our futures. My friend wanted to own a small independent shop, similar to the one we sat in, selling video games. I wanted to write reviews of them in a magazine like MegaTech. This was a few years before we would even hear about the Internet. So, print was the only option for someone who wanted to talk about games without going on GamesMaster with Dominik Diamond to do it.
Eighteen years later, with a varied and largely unsuccessful employment history behind me, here I am. Writing about video games to a huge audience. I’ve arrived at my dream, right? How do I deal with that? Well, sometimes I feel like giving up. It’s a stark admission, and one which might seem alarming to a number of people but it’s the truth.
You’ve probably all seen many of us say how difficult it is to run a website, on many different occasions. You might think that this is due to the workload, the constant struggle and internal debate about tone and content or the years it takes to grind your way towards any possibility of payment for your craft. In part, that’s true but I do those things happily because that’s what I dreamt about while perched on the windowsill of a game rental store eighteen years ago. For me, the difficulty lies somewhere else entirely.
I don’t like people. It’s nothing personal, I don’t have a particular reason or excuse for being awkward with other humans, I just can’t really interact in person. It’s not a simple case of not being a “people person” either. The prospect of meeting new people makes me feel physically ill in my stomach, it makes my head spin. I have anxiety attacks rather than phone someone I don’t know. Once, I pulled out of a decent new job the day before I was supposed to start and spent three days shaking and crying and not talking to anyone. I had myself a little breakdown and I’m still recovering from it years later.
So, for me, the hardest part of working on this website is the interaction I have with other people. It’s odd that the thing I love doing – the writing – is now vastly overshadowed, in terms of how much time I can give it, by the thing that I’m almost physically incapable of doing – managing people. I receive and respond to dozens of emails every day and my inbox backlog is still growing. I constantly talk to new contributors and potential news gatherers and I do my best to keep up with the Community Team and fulfil all of our competition commitments.
Much of my time working on the website is now spent doing things that the majority of readers won’t notice. I tidy up articles and features in between Lee, Dan and Kris’ valuable efforts. I make images and gather screenshots. I change formatting on features and organise review coverage. I talk to PR representatives and arrange for competitions, previews, assets and review code. I try to watch over as much of the community interaction as I can. I balance speed with quality and I try to insulate conflicting personalities so that things run smoothly.
I miss writing more than I can find words to explain. But if I didn’t do all of these things then who would? So I do it, sometimes having to force myself to face my own craziness and sometimes finding another route to the result.
I’m incredibly lucky to be surrounded by some of the most hardworking and talented people in this industry. Lee is driven and has a keen eye for detail. Dan is dependable, fast and talented. Kris is engaging and approachable. The News Team are unbelievably hard working and our list of contributors all have an individuality, a spirit that is hard to find. Of course, Alex is a personal inspiration, the only reason I still work at TSA. I’ve never known anyone as knowledgeable or hard working as him and even though he has dialled back his involvement to some PR duties and the site design and coding, he still puts in far too much time doing those things better than anyone else around.
You see, running a website is a team game. Without a strong team of core staff, support staff and contributors, it would be impossible to deliver the quantity of free content that we do. It just happens that at this time, I’m needed to do the support work rather than the stuff I love to do. That’s something I have to contend with, in spite of my own insecurities, because it’s what this team needs right now.
Recently, I was explaining to a distant relative what it was that I do. I said that I write news and opinion about video games for a website. They asked if that was like a magazine and after a moment’s thought I told them it was kind of like making a monthly magazine but putting it out three times a week and having a conversation with the readers while you did it.
When you stop to think about it, there really is an immense amount of content going up on TheSixthAxis. Every word of it is worked hard over but ultimately, I think, it’s worth the stress, the worry and the anxiety. It’s worth the difficulties because, as I often need to remind myself, this was my dream.
Note: I realise that this blog has been quite self indulgent so I’d like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who works with me, either presently or in the past. I am a very small part of this site and I respect all the other staff members more than I could successfully impart. I also recognise that it’s the active community that make it feel worthwhile so I’d like to thank you guys too.
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30/01/2011 at 12:02
Member since: Jul 2009
/hug/
30/01/2011 at 12:08
Member since: Sep 2008
Thank you Peter. I (man) love you.
30/01/2011 at 12:10
Member since: Feb 2009
Awww, we love you to Cb! (And all of the Staff here) :P
30/01/2011 at 17:29
Member since: Oct 2009
same^
30/01/2011 at 12:12
Member since: Aug 2008
I’m pretty sure I speak for all readers when I say that it is because of every person that has ever contributed to TSA that makes it so fresh and a joy to read.
I’ve been lucky enough to have stumbled across the site soon after it was launched and lurked for a while before signing up (it takes a lot to get me to regiter on a site). I’ve seen it go from strength to strength, and long may it continue to do so.
30/01/2011 at 12:12
Member since: Dec 2008
When i was talking to Josh on Friday we were trying to work how many people work at TSA towers now and we lost count. Im Hoping we can get Sophie Ellis Bextor on the team soon.
30/01/2011 at 12:18
Member since: Forever
The things I’d like to do to her
30/01/2011 at 12:38
Member since: Jul 2009
Use her face to pick up sky?
30/01/2011 at 16:34
Member since: Mar 2010
..or mould the new design for 50p’s?
30/01/2011 at 20:46
Member since: Nov 2009
Ask her if she could hook me up with an autograph of Armin van Buuren since she collaborated with him on one of his recent Singles?
30/01/2011 at 12:23
Member since: Jan 2010
I think regular TSA’ers do realise how much effort the editor (you) puts into the site but wouldn’t be willing/able to do it themselves, myself included. You’re lucky you have the people working for you that you do, isn’t everyone just lovely. ;-)
30/01/2011 at 16:32
Member since: Aug 2010
i agree… the TSA staff is the best working staff ever…=)
love u all!!! TSA is THE best!!! =)
30/01/2011 at 12:31
Member since: May 2009
What an incredibly honest article.
I’m so glad that you exist and that you’re our editor.
<3
30/01/2011 at 12:34
Member since: Jul 2010
I don’t usually talk about feelings, but this honestly touched me. Thanks for all the effort you (and the staff) have put into this site, I’ve only been here for half a year and have already fallen in complete love with it. And sorry about the awkwardly sentimental opening line… :P
30/01/2011 at 12:39
Member since: Sep 2010
Smashing piece! So many similar memories of childhood and a touching way to start a Sunday!
30/01/2011 at 12:44
Member since: Mar 2009
What a lovely piece. I feel quite emotional after reading it. All of the TSA team should be extremely proud of the quality of their work.