Sunday Thoughts: Why?
The Why of Kris.
Published: 17:00, 11/09/2011 by Kris [Halbpro].
12I am sitting here, writing this at 2:11 AM on Sunday morning, or Saturday night depending on how you look at it. I should actually say Saturday night, because I have an unwritten rule that days start when you wake up or at 6 AM, whichever comes first. It’s a handy rule to have when you’re used to pulling all nighters. I’m not as used to that horror of sleep deprivation as I once was but I think my body’s still trained for it, like an athlete a few years after they’ve retired from professional competition – they can still run or jump but it’s not as easy now as it was in their prime.
Anyway, I’m sitting here with a very good biography of Richard Feynman next to me and I’m wondering why do I do this? Not read biographies, the answer to that is obvious (they’re interesting). I mean why do I involve myself in TSA? Why do I give up a lot of my time for no reward other than seeing my words appear on a website that is, by my obviously biased opinion, fairly popular.
In fact it’s not even my words a lot of the time, I’m simply editing the words of other very talented people who graciously agree to contribute material to our little endeavour, fixing the odd typo and making sure it finds a slot that maximises its visibility.* I do other bits and pieces, mostly making sure we’ve got enough content to keep everything going nicely, but I do miss having the time to write like I used to. Of course that’s my fault for being one of the slowest editors ever, largely due to having the TV on in the background distracting me. It’s a pretty poor way of doing it, and something I need to change.
The game that reminded why I do this.
Does this perhaps explain why I keep myself involved in TSA? Am I too much of a control freak to let anyone else take over? We’re up for a GMA now and the question does frequently enter my mind of whether or not my stubbornness is stopping someone else from stepping up, from helping to run the site and take it even higher than it is now. That’s not to say that the site doesn’t live up to that nomination or deserve to win a GMA, that’s not my decision. It’s more a question of if I’m good enough to help run a site that the expectations of a nomination places on it. Quite often I think about leaving, letting someone better take over my role. Self-doubt can be a horrible thing, and I’ve got bucket loads of it.
Other times I think of how free I’d be without TSA. Not how much better or worse the site would be without me (the site’s trajectory after my imagined departure largely depends on my mood and how cocky I’m feeling), but what I could do if I just had the time. I could actually go play football on Monday evenings, stopping the perpetual moaning of my friends (who really just want to see more of me, or at least I think they do). I could go and see the films I mean to see but never really get around to because I have the nagging thought of tomorrow’s content schedule in the back of my mind. I could even write about things that aren’t videogames, I could write about comics or I could actually write fiction more (even if it’s not all that good).
And then, on the odd occasion the reason hits me. I love it here. I absolutely love it. This realisation tends to come with the rare moments when I think I’ve written something that people might enjoy, the most recent one was my preview of Need for Speed: The Run. I’d just had a rather nice lunch in the café where I try and write when it’s not the middle of the night, and it was a beautiful day outside. I was actually happy with something I wrote and the sense of sheer joy, that seems to have been far too short lived, washed over me. I was happy, content and in love with videogames writing again (what I do is not by any stretch journalism, even if I accidentally use the word at times).
Of course there’s one issue that comes with the love. I can’t not be involved with TSA. I’ve tried, trust me. Oh how I’ve tried. I think the only time Peter has ever shouted at me was when he caught me looking at articles that needed editing whilst I was on one of my brief holidays from the site, the whole purpose of which was so I didn’t have to worry about TSA for a few days. Even then he wasn’t actually telling me off, he really is a nice man to work for (if you can call it work).
That’s why I do it. Not because I want a job writing about games, largely because I suspect I wouldn’t enjoy it as much if I wasn’t doing it for TSA, and certainly not for money, because there isn’t any. I do it because I love it and you, whoever you are, are a large part of the reason I get joy from doing this.
In all honesty I wouldn’t care that much if no-one read what I wrote, I’ve written personal blogs that worked like that. However knowing that there is a receptive audience out there on the other side of the screen, an audience that will comment whether or not they agree with what I wrote and give me some actual feedback, makes it all feel so much better.
And, for once, I didn’t even mention Halo.
*I don’t mean to suggest I do these elements of the editorial process alone, I’d probably have melted into a pile of slush without the assistance of Peter.
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11/09/2011 at 17:08
Member since: May 2010
Whatever makes you happy, I’ll say.
The readers thank you for your work on TSA, and as long as it doesn’t become a burden to you, you should keep at it :)
AND you can always pass the editing part to Kev and go see a film or hangout with your friends in that time ;)
12/09/2011 at 10:31
Member since: Dec 2008
Heh thanks for the support XisTG!
11/09/2011 at 17:12
Member since: Feb 2009
Well I’m sure I speak for all of your readers when I say that I thoroughly enjoy everything about this site, so your work is definitely appreciated. But you’ve got your own life to lead, and everyone has to move on sometimes. I think the best thing you could do is hand over 1 or 2 of your responsibilities to somebody else which would free up a bit of your time to play your Monday night football or go to the movies once a week. It’s not all or nothing is it?
11/09/2011 at 20:47
Member since: Dec 2009
Wise and true words mate..TSA is just awesome.
11/09/2011 at 21:41
Member since: Nov 2009
I’m +1ing this as hard as I can. It’s not all or nothing. Enjoy your life and continue doing what you love. It’s a win-win situation, right?
12/09/2011 at 05:34
Member since: Mar 2011
+2 As long as TSA doesn’t become too much of a burden on you, and you still enjoy it, I think you should stay with us :) We really appreciate all you have done (and still do) for this site, and hopefully TSA continue it’s rise with you on board.
12/09/2011 at 07:40
Member since: Aug 2011
Hail, hail!
11/09/2011 at 17:12
Member since: Nov 2008
I dont know where to start with this really.
Maybe you get off on the rush of being a part of the site that isnt so easily replaceable, but believe me, we are all expendable.
Maybe you dont really like hanging with friends enough to go out and spend as much time with them as you do behind the screen of your pc.
Maybe you just love being here and doing the things you do because you actually enjoy pointing out errors in others work and managing a structure created by yourself.
Power is a funny thing that effects people differently but il say this….you only live once! :)
11/09/2011 at 17:25
Member since: May 2010
It’s great to read your work on TSA and we know you do your job here well. I hope TSA doesn’t feel like a burden…
11/09/2011 at 17:52
Member since: Mar 2011
I dont see why you think you might not be good enough now the site has a nomination, surely you helped to achieve that? But then, self-doubt is illogical. I like your work, but you could always delegate certain duties to minions if you’d rather play football? I would also tell you to turn the TV off when working, but that would be painfully hypocritical :P
11/09/2011 at 18:06
Member since: Jun 2009
Did I just read a Love/Suicide letter!
11/09/2011 at 18:35
Member since: Mar 2009
Lol, not quite a suicide note! More a “I’m just so tired” note.
11/09/2011 at 18:36
Member since: Aug 2009
I read it a little like that. Then I thought about the cute kitten, runt of the litter with stubby legs, a bald patch and blind in one eye. You can’t bring yourself to drown it so you give it a chance at life only for it to be violently killed and eaten by it’s bigger and stronger siblings.
In summary, don’t let the thing you love blind you from what’s really important. Life is a one-time dealio (I think) and you should make time for yourself whenever possible because one day you’ll blink and it’ll all be a distant memory as you sit in your rocking chair, comfortable in your personalised silk smoking jacket clipping the end off your Cohiba Behike cigar mulling over your days at TSA.
Try a little delegation to give you more time for opportunities might otherwise spurn and see how you like it. There’s no reason to drop all the balls you’re juggling, but dropping one might not be a bad idea. ;)
11/09/2011 at 18:52
Member since: Jun 2009
Can you be my life coach.
11/09/2011 at 20:04
Member since: Aug 2009
Haha, I’m pretty confident I’m qualified to be anyones life coach. Except maybe Robert Pattinson.
“So you’re telling me to throw myself in front of DeLorean moving at 88.8mph? Yes, that’s right Bob. Do that and you’ll be transported back to April 10th 1912 directly onto the deck of … uh, a boat and you’ll be way more famous than you are now and have riches beyond your wildest dreams” Puts phone down on le douchebag before he can utter anymore moronic witterings and rubs hands with glee. If he somehow survives being crushed in a fiery death, he won’t survive a date and final kiss with a certain iceberg. ;)
11/09/2011 at 20:06
Member since: Aug 2009
HA! Typo ahoy. Help me, Kris!
The first line should read – Haha, I’m pretty confident I’m *not* qualified to be anyones life coach.
11/09/2011 at 23:05
Member since: Feb 2009
Why does everyone hate Robert pattinson? Good luck to the bloke, he does me no harm. Good looking young man making millions out of the way he looks, touch of jealousy there Aerobes?
11/09/2011 at 23:07
Member since: Aug 2009
He’s younger, richer and better looking. It’s 100% jealousy! :)
12/09/2011 at 00:58
Member since: Apr 2010
Take a joke Tony :P
12/09/2011 at 01:13
Member since: Feb 2009
Nem I’m all good mate, I know he’s fooling around, I just see it as a bit unfair on the chap, as much as Aerobes is messing, pattinson gets a lot of jokes aimed his way. He may not be the best actor but I don’t think he thinks he is either, he can’t help being good looking.
I may not have ever had his money, but I’ve had my youth and good looks and I’m happy for the guy, its an enjoyable time of life, especially with the money he’s got I imagine!
12/09/2011 at 01:40
Member since: Aug 2009
To be fair, I could’ve used any celebrity, I was just trying to think of someone popular and he popped into my mind.
Before I throw this thing wildly off track, anyone who frequents this site and knows what Kris does here can imagine the vast undertaking it is and the strain it can put on a personal life. Your work is highly valued and doesn’t go unnoticed but don’t let it consume you. As Tony quite rightly said, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Look after number one first and foremost.
11/09/2011 at 18:07
Member since: Oct 2010
TSA is a superb website in every way, and I know your contribution has been significant in achieving this level of excellence. Don’t be too down on yourself!
11/09/2011 at 19:12
Member since: Feb 2011
This article has fitted in nicely with my hard weekend of reflection and thought with University coming up, a DS came called, ‘The World Ends With You’, and now this to finish it off. It’s making me feel pretty strange and awkward right now, but this helps.
Love is what has and will keep TSA strong, it really does show in this website and is what has kept me almost solely using this website from another one. Don’t stop lovin’!
11/09/2011 at 19:14
Member since: Forever
(must remember to spell check future reviews before filing them…)
;)
11/09/2011 at 19:43
Member since: May 2010
Kris, without you, there wouldn’t be any content. Poor Peter would go crazy/powermad without you to help him. You are very dedicated to editing everything.
Put yourself before the site as i’m sure Peter can get a few more people to help spread the workload if you are starting to feel if this is a burden. Keep up the good work, you barely let any spelling mistakes/inapproiate content in which is not easy i imagine, as i have heard a certain writer tends to hide dirty jokes and uses text speak in his articles just to annoy you. :op
11/09/2011 at 22:22
Member since: Mar 2009
I don’t think I’ve ever put myself before anyone or anything. Which is probably a bit thick.