There once was a man named Kratos. Oh, dear God, not this guy again. What’s he up to now? Let’s see…Okay, this story takes place between God of War I and God of War II. So, Kratos is the new God of War. Sat on his throne, Kratos looked down upon his minions and there just wasn’t enough war going on for his liking.
The boredom once again seeped in and this quiet time allowed his mind to become plagued by his mortal past. Visions came thick and fast. Murders, brothels, Justin Bieber songs, the tragic deaths of his wife and daughter and finally visions of his brother, Deimos, and his mother, Callisto.
Kratos! Help me. Help me, Kratos. Kratos. Help. Me. Also, you still haven’t tidied your room. But most importantly: HELP ME!
This was not a normal vision, something was telling Kratos that much.
Yeah, you’ve just told me.
Sssh, Kratos, don’t interrupt. The answers that Kratos wanted would be found in the Temple of Poseidon, deep within the city of Atlantis. He put on his business sandals, brushed the dust off his shoulders and started his journey.
Kratos, you can not follow this path. It was merely a vision. Let it go, blud.
I can change this vision. The man telling the story has told me so.
There is more to this than you can possibly know.
With you bunch of in-breds in charge, there’s always something more to things than I can possibly know. And, just for the record, I don’t want to know.
So Kratos, with determination in his heart – tucked in just behind blind rage and relentless anger – journeyed towards the city of Atlantis.
Immediately, however, it was clear that someone somewhere was not going to make this easy for the Ghost of Sparta (like anyone expected it to be) as from the seas on which he was travelling appeared a huge beast known as Scylla. This aquatic monster looked like the love child of a basilisk and a kraken, which, thinking about it, would be one the most disgusting and complicated intimacies known to man. Even worse than the time I lost my virginity…although probably with less tentacles and flapping about.
The Scylla destroyed the ship on which Kratos was sailing and took our pale protagonist to a nearby piece of land. The slimy, slobbering squid-like creature began spewing crabs all over the floor and flopping appendages on any surface it could find. Kratos kept his stomach from heaving and made light work of the Scylla. He attacked with his trademark strength and acrobatic prowess and sent the beast back into the water.
Kratos looked around and realised that he wasn’t far away from where he needed to be, which was nice, so he wiped away the salty seepage that the Scylla had been too eager to share with everyone and carried on his way.
Before he reached Atlantis, he came across a strange temple. A temple that wasn’t built by mortal hands. A temple that predated the rule of the Olympians. A temple that…
It’s the Temple of Thanatos, mate, get on with it.
Sorry. There are just so many labels, it’s difficult to know when to stop.
It was the Temple of Thanatos, the God of Death. Inside lay the passage to the Domain of Death. Kratos knew that the chances were that this had made an appearance for some significant reason and he’d probably be back. It was just a hunch, though.
Pushing on and Kratos soon discovered some rather fun water slides. Well, anyone who’s anyone wouldn’t have been able to resist. He jumped and slid and laughed and cheered before landing abruptly on the grounds of Atlantis.
Atlantis was wetter than a whale’s blowhole (you should see the list of vulgar metaphors I came up with then, aren’t I restrained!). From the surrounding water came new foes in the shape of weird fish men with massive tridents. But, again, this was nothing that Kratos couldn’t handle. After bludgeoning them all to death he pushed on to the Temple of Poseidon.
As he walked through the massive doors of the building, the surrounding area took on a familiar form. An apparition of Sparta filled the room and just ahead were two young boys fighting with spears and shields. I’m not going into the parental ability of people in Ancient Greece. Not again. It’s just too pointless.
A woman appeared and called them in for dinner.
Kratos! Deimos! Dinner’s ready. Get you arses inside. NOW.
The vision disappeared and Kratos walked forward and soon found his old mother laying on the floor.
Kratos. Finally, you’ve found me. *cough* You must find Deimos. Rescue him. Deimos! Rescue! KRATOS!
Deimos is dead, you told me so. I thought you were dead. What the f**k is going on here?
Your father placed me here and forbid me to tell you the truth.
But you’re telling me now, why not defy him sooner?
Your father, Kratos. Father forbid me.
ALRIGHT! Who is my father?
Callisto whispered into Kratos’ ear and his facial expression changed to one of sheer shock, similar to the one he had whilst watching ‘2 Girls, 1 Cup’. She also explained that Kratos would need to visit the Temple of Ares in order to get the necessary equipment to find his brother.
Having given Kratos just the exact amount of information he needed to continue, she began convulsing like a rabid coke addict licking a defibrillator. She transformed into a huge, hideous monster with a bigger chin than Will Young. She started attacking Kratos and he responded by doing the only thing he knows. Releasing his blades, he bested his deformed mother and killed her. Before her last breath she transformed back.
I am now free from my torment.
Oh, well isn’t that great for you. Whoop-de-f**king-doo. I’ve only been waiting to be freed for years and years now… What have I done?
At this point, the games being played by the Gods made Kratos go absolutely ape. I mean he was really pissed.
As he stormed onwards, the Scylla reappeared and dragged Kratos into the water and to a spewing volcano in the distance. He shrugged off the oversized shrimp and was now seething. He stormed through the volcano, dodging lava and swinging from rocks left, right and center. Among the ash and molten rock lay a titan by the name of Thera.
Kratos. You’ve come to free me!
Gaia foretold you’d be the saviour of the Titans.
I’ve not met Gaia but she sounds like she has dementia.
Release me and I’ll bestow my powers upon you.
Not one to deny a new way with which to slaughter people, Kratos threw his blades into Thera and pulled with all his might. She screamed louder than a Williams sister and Kratos found that his Blades of Chaos could now catch fire.
Kratos liked this.
He proceeded to plough his way through the volcano and once again the Scylla appeared. Well and truly bored of this beast, Kratos once and for all dispatched of the Scylla by slamming its head into a screw protruding from the volcano. Scylla died and the volcano erupted, sending Kratos flying.
He soared through the air and landed on the Island of Crete. In the process of causing the volcano to erupt he had destroyed the city of Atlantis. Poseidon was going to be so maaaaad with him.
Kratos walked through Crete and soon came across the Temple of Athena, where a massive statue of the Goddess stood.
ATHENA! YOU LIED TO ME. LIES. LIES LIES LIES LIES. I’M SO ANGRY!
There was no response from Athena. Kratos waited and waited. Finally she began to speak but before she could say a word Kratos span around and smashed the Statue to pieces. Told you he was angry. He stormed on through Crete and came to a clearing where he could hear lots of moaning and crying. Turning a corner and he stumbled upon a soldier cradling the torso of a fallen comrade.
Hold fast, Dominus, hold fast. We’ll be safe soon.
I don’t wish to break this news to you but do you realise that man’s guts are trailing all the way back there? I think he’s dead. Let go.
She spared me to deliver a message to the Ghost of Sparta.
Ooo! That’s me! Who’s ‘she’ and what was the message?
The Daughter…You will never get the skull. The skull. Skull. The skull. Skuuuuuulllllll. Urgh.
The man died and Kratos wasn’t entirely sure of what he just heard. He just assumed that when the time came he’d make sense of it all. So he ran on. He ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and soon found himself in the capital of Crete – Heraklion. There was a weird grave digger man here who told Kratos that he’d never find Deimos, but Kratos had had enough of people who should know better interfering in his life. So he ignored the man and continued his quest.
There was soon some chatter from people cowering in corners along the lines of “she’s looking for him”. Kratos hoped to God that they weren’t talking about the one night stand he had a few weeks ago. He’s fairly certain that she had the potential to turn nasty.
But on he travelled to the Mounts of Aronia. There he found a winged evil-looking bint interrogating soldiers, asking where the Ghost of Sparta could be found. The soldier said nothing so she disappeared without seeing Kratos standing right behind her.
I said nothing, my Lord.
Guess what? Kratos started moving again! Don’t blame me, this is the story. There’s only so many ways I can say “he continued his journey”. Just stay with me here.
He moved forward, through the Chasm of Solace – named after the space between David Cameron’s ears – and across the Aronia Pass. Here he encountered Erinys, the daughter of the God of Death, Thanatos.
Ah! You’re the ‘daughter’ that man was talking about.
You will not be going any further than me, Spartan.
Oh, I am so scared.
The pair fought and Kratos, with his flaming blades, dismembered Erinys, de-feathered her and thought he had it in the bag when all of a sudden she morphed into a massive massive raven. Kratos rode on her wings and severed them from her body once more. Erinys crashed to the ground and Kratos caved her skull in. Well, you would, wouldn’t you.
Looking around, Kratos realised that he was now meters from Sparta. Meters from his home. He entered the legendary city and people cheered and whooped him. He signed posters, notepads, weapons, breasts and babies. This was the hero’s welcome he deserved. But first things first: Kratos visited the local brothel and had a mass orgy with approximately 15 women before moving on.
As he approached familiar streets and alleyways, the visions of him and his brother training together returned. It was almost like he could influence the fight but then he realised that, as children, he was a shit fighter so he walked on.
He went down into the Spartan jails where a dissenter was running around claiming that Ares was the real God of War. Kratos followed him casually before becoming trapped. His exits blocked, a huge Piraeus Lion attacked. Think Mufasa…with mange. Kratos rolled, ducked and sliced before gutting the lion. Note to PETA and/or Greenpeace: The lion attacked first.
The Ghost of Sparta escaped the jail, killed the dissenter, travelled to the Mounts of Laconia and before he knew it he was at the Temple of Ares. There were a few Spartan soldiers pulling down a massive statue of Ares.
Are you going to be able to do that?
Yeah, no worries. This is nothing compared the statue of Hussein we pulled down a few years back. Piece of cake.
The statue came crashing down and they all started shouting “All hail Lord Kratos!” This was something that Kratos could get used to.
I have something for you my Lord. I’ll be back in a jiffy.
Kratos entered the temple and found a huge mirror. His reflection moved independently and grabbed Kratos before turning into his younger self. Young Kratos charged and began punching the living daylights out of Big Kratos.
WHY DIDN’T YOU SAVE HIM?! WHY?
Get the f**k off me you little shit!
Kratos picked up his younger self and threw him through the mirror. The glass cracked and shattered revealing a skull buried into the wall. The Skull of Keres…the key to the Domain of Death. The Spartan soldier came back with a spear and shield and gave them to Kratos.
Oh, great, a spear. Yippee.
With the skull now in his inventory, Kratos had to go all the way back to Atlantis.
You are kidding me? All the way back to Atlantis? Geez, you know how to drag out a story, don’t you?
Okay, okay! Let’s just say he makes it all the way back to Atlantis, finds the door to the Domain of Death and enters.
For all the hype of it being a place that no mortal or god would enter, it was actually nicer than Hades. Sure, it’s still not an ideal location but property prices were low. Perhaps it’s the place names that give the area a bad reputation. Things like ‘Domain of Death’, ‘Death Gate’, ‘Passage to the Domain of Death’, ‘Hall of Damnation’ and ‘Birmingham’ weren’t exactly friendly.
But, sure enough, Kratos found Deimos. He had been suspended from the ceiling for decades and after Kratos released him he showed that the current God of War wasn’t the only one who could be angry.
Why didn’t you come and get me? You betrayed me Kratos.
Whoa whoa whoa! I was told you were dead. Why not be angry at Ares and Athena for taking you. Or mum for lying to me.
Because that would lead to a rather boring part of the story.
Deimos, with his hand covered by a solid metal gauntlet, beat the living crap out of Kratos. After all he had been through, it was his brother that proved too much for the Ghost of Sparta. He was nearly dead when a huge man with massive claws appeared and grabbed Deimos. It was the God of Death, Thanatos. He took Deimos to the edge of a cliff.
Hi ya! You killed my daughter, Kratos, now prepare to pay.
Thanatos jumped from the cliff with Deimos still in his hand. Kratos crawled after them and jumped too.
Now, you’d expect, having entered the Domain of Death via Atlantis, which was deep in the sea, that jumping down from a cliff would take them somewhere such as Hades or Tartarus. But somehow they ended up high on Mount Olympus. Suicide Bluffs, to be precise. Try not to think about it. Let’s just accept it.
Kratos rescued Deimos from certain death and the brothers were once again reunited and forgave each other. Kratos gave Deimos his spear and shield, because they’d been useless up to this point. Together they faced off against Thanatos.
Thanatos hocked up a massive greeny and spat it on the floor.
I really need to quit smoking. Sorry about that. Kratos, you can not change your fate and even the Sisters of Fate can not stop me from killing you.
Kratos was fed up with talking. He and Deimos charged, weapons at the ready and double teamed Thanatos. Kratos pulled out all the stops whilst Deimos threw spears from the corner. Just as they thought they had the better of the God of Death, Thanatos grabbed Deimos and bounced him off the wall, the floor, the other wall, the floor again and then the wall. Deimos was dead. All this work for absolutely nothing. Great.
Kratos literally exploded. Flames were everywhere. I don’t think we’ve ever seen Kratos as angry as he was now. I mean he was setting new heights on the Angry Scale, surpassing Christian Bale and Acne. He unleashed pure fury upon Thanatos and the God of Death had no chance to respond. Kratos savoured the moment as he ripped out his rib cage, his heart and any other fleshy organ he could find whilst he was in there.
Thanatos was dead.
Kratos picked up the lifeless body of his brother and took him up the mountain where the Grave Digger was waiting with a ready dug grave.
I’ve been waiting.
That’s a bit creepy.
Kratos placed his brother in the grave and wondered what he had become. Just then Athena appeared.
Well done, Kratos, you have severed your ties with the mortal world and are now ready to be a god.
“Severed my ties?” You mean I’ve lost every single person who was ever important to me by bloody and horrific death?
You say potato!
She placed her hands on Kratos’ temples and a green light emanated from her hands but Kratos batted her away.
YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME SICK! The gods will pay.
Kratos walked back into Olympus and Athena watched on. When he was out of earshot she had one final thing to say.
Forgive me, bruv.
THE END… ?
If you liked this, you’ll love the rest of the Abridged too Far series. You might also be glad to know that we’ve collected all of the God of War stories featured in Abridged too Far and created an iBook, which you can download for free from the iBook Store on an iPad. We’ve also made them into a PDF, which you can download here, so nobody has to feel too left out.
This story was written by Lewis Gaston.