XI
you are not logged in
Opinion

The Hard Truth About What your Monster Hunter Weapon Says About You

Be prepared.

Monster Hunter: World has been out for a while now, but we haven’t seen any pseudoscientific articles about how your choice of weapon reflects who you are as a person. Well, no longer will this be the case, for now is the time to combine monster hunting with utterly unscientific nonsense; now is the time to realise that you’re actually wielding your personality as a weapon. You aren’t wearing your heart on your sleeve, you’re beating dinosaurs and dragons to death with it. So, with all of the ado we have managed so far, here is what your weapon says about you.


Long Sword

The Long Sword is a great big katana, one that allows you to build up your spirit as you fight and which culminates in you unleashing an amazing combo and even gives you the ability to do some incredible aerial slashes that split the screen in two. Using this weapon says a few things about you, the first of which can be summed up in a single word: weeaboo. That’s right, you are a giant anime nerd and the ability to use a katana is all you want in any game. The Long Sword also has a wide arc of attacks, the result of this in multiplayer is that you end up slapping your team mates around and ruining all of their attacks, because you are also selfish and believe you are better than everyone else. You are not.

Great Sword

The Great Sword is a giant sword, you get to hit things really hard with it and it’ll take ages to do so. Add in the charge attacks and it becomes incredibly clear what it says about you: you are lazy. You like to write it off as being efficient, but you feel like if the job is worth doing, it is worth doing once and with a temporary burst of effort followed by a lie down, a takeaway pizza and a beer. You hope to the Elder Dragons that you will only need to hit this fish looking idiot once, otherwise you just won’t beat it. Also, just because you got the last hit doesn’t make you the MVP.

Dual Blades

The Dual Blades are two short swords that allow you to expend stamina in order to pull of insane multi-hit combos and eventually awaken your demon mode in order to deal even more damage. You also get a super sweet spinning buzz-saw attack if you jump attack a monster. If you chose the Dual Blades, I have some important advice for you, you need to look after yourself better. Sure, you might think it is courageous to throw yourself into the fray headfirst with nary a worry about your own safety, but when you’ve gotten carted off for the third time in three minutes because you were trying to climb in an Anjanath’s mouth to deal the most damage, maybe it is time to reflect on why you are like this. Learn to love yourself.

Sword and Shield

The Sword and Shield is exactly what it says on the tin, you know what you are getting here, a balance between attacking the enemy and defending yourself, plus the unique ability to use items while your weapon is out, a perfect beginner weapon.  All of these awesome weapons available and you go for sword and board, really? If this is your weapon of choice then clearly you lack depth, you are the person at the party that tells a joke as the music dies and instantly kills the mood. Your fear of standing out is painful. Go and get a hobby, you can be more interesting than this, and more importantly, it is okay to be more interesting than this.

Switch Axe

The Switch Axe is a big old axe that allows you to whale on enemies while building up phials of energy. Once the phials have charged up you can unleash them in the sword form by attaching yourself like a limpet mine and exploding in much the same way. Naturally this weapon tells everyone that you are an overdramatic drama queen who demands attention like a cat demands to be fed every five minutes. “Look at me everyone I am on the monster” your weapon choice screams. You are incredibly needy and should probably learn to let go. It is okay not to be the centre of attention, you might even like it.

Charge Blade

The Charge Blade is a giant sword and shield that builds up energy to release when you connect the two together into a giant axe. When in the axe form you can unleash devastatingly damaging attacks that can stun and break your enemies. Naturally if this is your weapon of choice then you think you’re pretty cool, because your a narcissist and a show off. Sliding about and making your sword glow looks cool right? Wrong, you are a try hard, you need to learn that being cool isn’t about trying to look cool. You don’t have to show off, people will like you for who you are without you rubbing their faces in it.

Hammer 

The Hammer is a short range heavy hitting blunt weapon designed to knock the monsters out and farm those sweet Kelbi horns, not to mention the fantastic flip attack as you leap from a cliff onto a Paolumu’s head. You lack tact like most people like a second head, your subtlety is such that you probably wear stupid backwards caps with terrible logos on and wear neon even if you aren’t at a rave. Your friends don’t ask your advice because you make them cry, you might think you’re just being honest, but actually, you’re just being inconsiderate. Just because you thought something doesn’t mean you have to say it, if you can learn this then you will be better for it.

Hunting Horn

The Hunting Horn allows the player to really help the team work better, you can play different notes in different orders in order to buff yourself and your friends, not to mention that you can always hit things in the head when needs be. Using this means you are basically the cheerleader of your group, you try so hard to be nice to everyone that it can seem insincere. You don’t have to go out of your way for everyone, doing people favours all the time won’t make them like you. Your heart may well be in the right place, but don’t place all of your self worth in what you can do for others.  

Lance

The Lance lets you rush forward into a battle while keeping a guard up, it limits your attack to one plane of movement but if you position yourself right then why would you need anything else? You are earnest to a fault, incapable of complex thoughts or ulterior motives. If you say something you mean it and that is great, but the lack of interesting conversation will bore most people to tears, maybe they don’t want to just talk about the weather and what you watched on TV last night, you’re practically an NPC. Go and read some poetry or philosophy, you can be more than a one dimensional character.

Gunlance

The Gunlance combines the defensive capabilities of the Lance and adds a gun to the end of it, you lose some of the effectiveness of the basic version but gain the ability to fire off shells and perform some truly explosive attacks. Choosing the Gunlance just means that you think you complicated and interesting, but you aren’t. A slug with a shell is just a snail, you aren’t really any more complex because you have a badge on your hipster beanie hat. Adding pumpkin spice to coffee doesn’t change the fact that you are dull as they come. Stop trying to be more interesting by adding superfluous details, depth comes from within, not just adding something little to something boring.

Insect Glaive

The Insect Glaive combines aerial manoeuvrability with an insect pet who can help buff you and leave debuffs on your prey. It allows for the best chance of mounting the monster and is immensely effective against the various winged wyverns found throughout the game. You are the idiot that always chased after people with bugs in your hands and jumped out of trees and ended up hurting themselves. The phrase it’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye, well it was made for you, because you always try to one up everyone else and end up overdoing it. It’s not that you are a show off as such, it’s just that you like to think you are more talented than your friends and take every chance you can to prove it. Maybe stop doing stupid things and you’ll stop getting hurt.

Bow 

The Bow is the simplest of the long range weapons but also allows for the best movement and some of the flashiest attacks available too, like an area of effect barrage that can help to stagger your foes. You like to stay out of the way and attack from afar with words, you are the kind of person to be stood behind your bigger friend, leaning over their shoulder and threatening people. Bravery is certainly not something you understand and you embody being all bark and no bite. Put simply you are a coward. You can’t rely on other people for everything and one day you will have to break out on your own, it might be worth putting some work in so you will survive.

Light Bowgun

The Light Bowgun offers an array of ammo types that can inflict different statuses and utilise different attacks. Plus you can set traps in order to catch things off guard if they try and pursue you. You can’t commit to anything, which ammo should you use, when should you use it, should you heal your team or buff them? With all of these options who could possibly choose one? Certainly not you, no doubt you end up causing arguments when your friends are going out because you can never pick where you want to go, then even when you get there it takes you ages to figure out what you should have. If you never commit to anything, then you’ll never have anything, so make a choice.

Heavy Bowgun

The Heavy Bowgun allows for more damage than the lighter iteration, and also allows for more ammo to be held as well, which means you can really let loose in the battles you’re part of. Of course this assumes you can work up the effort to even get involved.  You’re the kind of person  that doesn’t mind attacking but moving is a bridge too far. Rather than ever moving to where you can hit the enemy, you just wait for them to come to you. If the opportunity doesn’t present itself then it obviously didn’t exist in the first place. If you don’t seek things out then you’ll always be stuck in your rubbish dead end job, you have to chase things to make them happen.


So there you have it, each and every choice reveals the worst of us and it is important to acknowledge that or you can never be better. Sure the truth hurts, but at least you can work on your flaws now and try to be a better person, and isn’t that what this is all about?

3 Comments
  1. Tuffcub
    On the naughty step.
    Since: Dec 2008

    What I call my monster weapon is my own business thank you.

    Comment posted on 25/05/2018 at 15:15.
  2. Arcova12349
    Member
    Since: May 2018

    The hard truth about posting a community meme as an “educated post”…..
    “Try to be a better person-” sounds so cliche when you’re using a community meme as your basis of critique there mate.

    Comment posted on 26/05/2018 at 08:31.
  3. Jag
    Member
    Since: Feb 2009

    Absolutely spot on!

    Comment posted on 26/05/2018 at 09:57.