A more recent game features in this week’s Abridged too Far so I’m going to be heavy with the spoiler notices and say a big thank you to Gastos84 for featuring a game I started, that’s started, playing last week: Bioshock. Thanks Gastos84, I didn’t care what the twist was anyway! Remember folks, this is pant-wettingly funny but it does, most definitely, contain spoilers. I can vouch for that.
There was once a man called Jack. Simply, Jack. It was not followed by ‘The Ripper’, ‘The Lad’, ‘Daniels’, ‘Of All Trades’, ‘And The Beanstalk’ and he didn’t even know anyone called ‘Jill’. But hey, don’t write this story off just yet. I promise it gets better. Oh and Jack was a mute. This was probably a by-product of his first marriage whereby he couldn’t say anything right anyway.
One day Jack was aboard a small passenger plane crossing the Atlantic heading towards…….Well his destination is unknown at this point. Honestly it gets better!
All of a sudden Jack had a blackout and the plane develops a malfunction. This was not unexpected however as he was travelling with RyanAir. The flight only cost £1.97 including taxes so you have to take the rough with the smooth. Anyway the Plane went down quicker than Paris Hilton in her home videos. See! Didn’t I tell you it gets better?
Jack regained consciousness underwater and swam to the surface, only to realise he was the sole survivor. The plane’s oil had formed on the surface and was ablaze. Surely Jack was doomed? Luckily, the object of King Louis’ desire (that’s fire for those who have not seen The Jungle Book), had formed a convenient path to safety. So Jack did his best Michael Phelps impression and swam from harm’s way. But now Jack was stranded. It was cold and dark and his recent bout of athlete’s foot had already begun to attract some hungry fish. Jack began to review his life.
Just then, Jack noticed that he was doggy paddling inches away from a huge Lighthouse. What are the chances?
Jack swam up to the lighthouse that was sitting in the middle of the Atlantic and entered. But it was immediately apparent from the Décor that not only had it been given a touch up by Laurence Llewellyn Bowen, but also that it was not your ordinary lighthouse.
Jack started down the stairs. Then he went down another flight of stairs. Then another, then another and then one final flight of stairs before another flight of stairs. He finally ran out of places to go and ended up in front of a metal Sphere. The sphere contained seats and a control lever. Jack then did what I’m sure we all would do after a fatal plane crash and discovering a mysterious lighthouse – He entered the sphere and pulled the lever. The sphere began a long, long descent into an underwater city called Rapture. As he moved downward, a projector kicked into life and started playing a film which explained where he was and where he was going. The film explained that the City of Rapture was built in the late 40’s by a man called Andrew Ryan. This was a city where there were no rules. No ethics and no morals. Jack thought for a second he was entering Birmingham but was then grateful when he realised he wasn’t. This city promised it all. Most importantly – the chance to give yourself special powers. Jack thought that was sooo cool! He missed most of the film though as he spent the majority of the time staring out the window.
The Bathysphere (yes that is its actual name) eventually came to a halt. It was pitch black and Jack could hear voices. He could just tell that this City was going to be a pleasant experience. One of the voices was pleading for his life but was swiftly followed by a blood curdling scream. This was then followed by what could only be described as some nut-job cutting into the sphere. Jack was not phased however and, at this point, would have still given Rapture a 5* review. Then a radio on the wall of the Bathysphere crackled into life and a jolly Irishman introduced himself.
ATLAS: Hey there and welcome to Rapture. My name is Atlas and I will be your tour guide. Would you kindly take the radio and open the door?
Jack did as he was told like an obedient cocker spaniel.
ATLAS: On your left you will notice a dead body. You’ll be seeing a lot of these so get used to it. Also I feel the need to point out at this stage that the thing trying to cut into the Bathysphere was called a Splicer. As you can probably guess by their name, they aren’t the most sociable of people, and will want to perform open-heart surgery on you any chance they get. Now let’s keep moving. Oh and would you kindly pick up a weapon of some sort? I find wrenches work best.
Jack did a quick scan of the area and right next to his foot was a wrench. He picked it up. Now that he had a weapon, Jack immediately began smashing anything that looked breakable. Just to test it out of course. Good job he did as at that moment another Splicer appeared and charged at him. Jack did not panic in any way. Instead he chose to brutally beat his attacker. Then when he was dead, Jack gave him one last whack just to see if any blood would come out. It did.
ATLAS: Woah! Nice. You’ll fit in a treat here. Now, would you kindly get to higher ground?
So Jack, being the man he was, did as he was asked and began to search for a way up. Along the way he came across a rather large and scary looking needle. Jack injected himself without question, as I’m sure we all would. This produced an intense pain. So intense he lost his balance, slipped on a banana skin and fell down some stairs knocking him unconscious. It was just like the time when he went on a Club 18-30 with his mates, Tom and Peter. Good times. After a short while Jack began to come to. He opened his eyes and there were two very skanky looking men peering over him. Yep, just like the Club 18-30! They were wondering if he had ADAM, whatever that was. But the two perverts were spooked by something and ran away. It could have had something to do with the rather large fellow sporting a solid Iron diving suit with 9 green lights for eyes and…what’s that? A HUGE INDUSTRIAL DRILL FOR A HAND!! Either that or it was the little girl that stood beside him. She had bright red eyes and a needle that even Pete Doherty would be wary of. Her dress was pretty though. She bent down to look at Jack, again talking about ADAM. She was in a good mood though and because Jack was still alive she let him be and the two walked away.
Jack eventually got up from the dirty and wet floor (dirty and wet through no fault of his own I hasten to add) and noticed that his hand was glowing blue. That’s strange. He was pretty sure it wasn’t doing that before he knocked himself out. He lifted his hand and ZAP! He shot a lightning bolt out of his hand. A lightning bolt!….Out of his hand! He looked around to see if there was anyone he could zap, but there was not. Shame.
ATLAS: YEAH BOI! You just got your first experience of a Plasmid. A gene re-writer created by Andrew Ryan and a man called Frank Fontaine. It feels good to have a fistful of lightning doesn’t it? You’ll find many along the way. Embrace them all, except ‘The Blower’. That isn’t as good as it sounds.
Jack was ecstatic at the thought of gradually becoming empowered with some mental genetics. He continued his journey to find higher ground and along the way he found a pistol. It was crap compared to his lightning but every little helps. He eventually finds an elevator. It was at this point that Atlas decided to start taking the piss!
ATLAS: Oh by the way, is there any chance that you will help me find my family? We’ve become separated and I can’t be arsed to go find them myself. That and the fact that I have run out of clean underwear so moving around is highly ill-advised. They are stuck inside a submarine. I’ll guide you to it.
Jack didn’t say a word but inside he was thinking of words like ‘shove’ and ‘it’. But he followed the instructions of Atlas and began his journey to find the family. Along the way Jack stumbled across the little girl that was peering over him earlier. He thought it best to lay low as she was sticking her great big needle into a body on the floor. She seemed to be enjoying herself. Back in Jack’s day they were satisfied with an Etch a Sketch but he figured maybe the times were changing.
ATLAS: If you look to your right you will see a Little Sister. Don’t be fooled she’s not a child. She’s a demented, hell-spawned, antichrist-loving, spider-eating bitch. Not that I have any particularly strong opinions of her. She’s extracting ADAM from that dead Splicer. ADAM is like Facebook in the sense that it took the City by storm and then swiftly ruined it and turned every sane citizen into a drug addicted psychopath. Only a couple of normal people still remain but you aren’t likely to bump into any.
Just then Jack bumped into Dr. Tenenbaum! Dr. Tenenbaum appeared to be protecting the Little Sister.
DR. TENENBAUM: Stay away from her.
ATLAS: Oh shut up you stupid woman. He only wants a little bit of ADAM. Let him have it. Go on Jack, kill her.
DR. TENENBAUM: You can’t kill her, she’s just a child.
ATLAS: Kill her, she’s a child!!
DR. TENENBAUM: Look. Take this Plasmid, and if you rescue her I will make it worth your while!
Jack was intrigued by the proposal. It’s been a long time since a woman has made anything worth his while. So he took the Plasmid, picked up the Little Sister and started something similar to a Vulcan mind meld…only he wasn’t Vulcan…and he wasn’t melding anything…in fact it was more like an affectionate pat on the head. The Little Sister glowed and then appeared to revert back to a normal little girl. She thanked Jack for his assistance. Jack couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened had he killed her. It probably would have looked like he was reaching into her stomach and pulling out a slug.
DR. TENENBAUM: Thank you so much for saving her. I will make it up to you I promise. If you see anymore please do the same. You will need to kill the Big Daddies first but that’s easy to do!! Honest.
ATLAS: You let me down Jack. She only had to say hello and you were whipped!! Now let’s get back on track. Would you kindly go and save my family?
Jack trudged through Rapture searching for Atlas’ family. He gained more weapons along his way and more Plasmids. He could now freeze things, burn things and chuck things using just his mind. Jack had become even more powerful than Uri Gellar and was nowhere near as annoying. He finally reached the Sub where Atlas’ family were stranded. The Sub was under attack from Splicers, but jack was trapped and he couldn’t reach them.
ANDREW RYAN: You cannot come into my city and start ruining things. For that you will be punished.
Ryan locked down the area and sent in an army of Splicers. They attacked the Sub, set fire to it and then brought the surrounding structures down on top of it. Atlas’ family were dead. Hey, no one said this was going to be a fairytale story. With this much death and heartbreak, it’s more like a Disney story. Atlas appeared slightly upset.
ATLAS: Oh, i’m slightly upset now! Scratch that. I’m very upset. Andrew Ryan must pay for all that he has done. Jack? Would you kindly kill Andrew Ryan for me.
Jack bit his tongue once again and did as he was told. He wished he hadn’t as along the way he encountered some of Rapture’s more eccentric characters, such as a completely mental Andrew Lloyd Webber type. Actually he was probably slightly less intense than Sir Webber. This guy wanted Jack to hunt down other residents, kill them and then take photos of their dead bodies. Believe it or not, Jack actually did this! He did it even though he was sure there was an element of necrophilia involved somewhere along the line. Jack was now owning Rapture. He had more powers than he knew what to do with, he was dispatching Splicers like China dispatch toys and cheap clothing, and was so good that he now had a knack to killing the Big Daddies which seemed impossible to him earlier. If anything, he was beginning to think that Rapture had nothing more to offer. How wrong he was.
He had walked the entire city, all 2,378sq miles of it. And now he was soon to be meeting with Andrew Ryan. He reached Ryan’s office/apartment. It was a homely place with newspaper clippings covering the walls. Familiar slogans such as ‘I’m Loving It’, ‘Just Do It’ and ‘Would you kindly’ were written on the walls too. In blood! The latter slogan rang a particular bell with Jack. He entered the main room and there in front of him was Andrew Ryan. A man more despicable than Ben Elton!
ANDREW RYAN: It’s good to finally meet you Jack. I have been watching you with great interest.
ANDREW RYAN: Oh I see. The silent treatment. You are worse than your mother. That’s right Jack. Daddies here! You may not believe me but I had an affair with a pretty little dancer just two years ago. Your embryo was purchased by my nemesis; Frank Fontaine. He programmed you to respond to the call of ‘Would You Kindly?’ He then sent you packing away from Rapture, only to bring you back by ordering you onto a plane, hijacking it and crashing it here. Didn’t you think it was odd that you had managed to land at a spot in the Atlantic Ocean where the only lighthouse resides? You have been freely walking around Rapture because you share my genes, which allow you access areas that would normally be locked out to the likes of normal people. You are a fool!
Jack thought name calling was a bit harsh. It wasn’t his fault!
ANDREW RYAN: And now, if I am to die, I am to die on my terms. Would you kindly kill me?
Jack didn’t even hesitate. He grabbed a golf club that lay in Ryan’s office and wrapped it around his head with a swing that Tiger Woods would be proud of. Ryan was dead.
ATLAS: Surprise! I’m not Atlas. I’m not even Irish! It’s me Frank Fontaine!
Jack felt dirty and used, and not in a good way. All of the ‘Would you kindly?’ phrases came rushing back to him. He had been played from the very beginning. He was not a happy bunny.
FRANK FONTAINE: Clever, aren’t I? All this time you have been doing my bidding and now that your Pops is out of the way, I can claim Rapture for my own. Now, would you kindly bend over?
That summed up exactly how Jack felt. Fontaine activated Rapture’s security systems and aimed all he had at Jack.
DR.TENENBAUM: JACK! RUN! Follow the Little Sister.
A little sister appeared in a ventilation system and Jack swiftly followed. They travelled through the vent only for Jack to fall and knock himself unconscious (again). When he awakes he finds himself in the den of the Little Sisters. Loads of them. They were one down however as curiosity got the better of him and he ‘accidentally’ killed one. Dr. Tenenbaum explained that she had rid him of the control that Fontaine had over him, but that his heart was due to stop on account of his body’s DNA having changed so much. That and the full English breakfast he would have every morning and the 40 cigarettes a day. With the aid of the Little Sisters he had to trawl Rapture for ingredients to stop this from happening. As this was extremely boring and tedious for Jack, we’ll move on. Once having regained full health he had one last goal; Find and kill Frank Fontaine. He decided he would have a shower and change his clothes before the big confrontation and as he was routing through the wardrobe he discovered one of the Iron diving suits that the Big Daddies use. He had to wear it. Ever since he saw one for the first time he had been pining to be like one. This was his opportunity. He put the suit on and he felt invincible. He followed the Little Sisters who were guiding him towards Fontaine. It was slower than he had hoped. Not because his boots were made from solid wrought iron, but because the little brats kept making potty-stops and he had to keep an eye out for Splicers.
They finally lead him to the brain washing, embryo stealing and all round nasty man. The fight is on! The two exchange blows, bullets and phone numbers. First, Fontaine has the upper hand but with a swift haymaker, Jack manages to change the momentum of the fight. Fontaine realises he is beat when Jack has him pinned down tickling his feet. Fontaine’s response was to overdose on ADAM. This changed things considerably.
Fontaine mutated into a monster. He was huge and glowing red with ADAM. A bit like Santa Claus…only not as jolly. But Jack’s experience in Rapture had turned him into a hardened warrior that even Chuck Norris would be scared of. They fought harder than…two things that fight really hard! Jack eventually prevails and gives the Little Sisters the opportunity to climb all over Fontaine, and they stab him over 476 times with their needles, extracting bits of ADAM with every injection. Jack, whilst grateful for the assistance, couldn’t help but wonder whether he did the right thing by letting these freaky children live.
It was over. Jack left Rapture with the intention of never returning. He returned to his normal life along with five new children who adopted him as their dad. They all lived happily ever after. Or did they?……