Another episode (is that the right word?) of our awesome guest feature from Gastos84 (the numbers are his actual age, not the year of his birth). This time he’s telling the story of the Prince of Persia as only he can. As always with this excellent feature, there will be spoilers. All of them…
Prince of Persia
There was once a man called The Prince. The Prince of Persia to be precise. Let’s not get carried away though as he wasn’t actually a Prince of anywhere. He was an arrogant man and he just liked the way it sounded. The downside though was that he was constantly being mistaken for a certain other Prince, who may or may not have had his bottom ribs removed in order to perform auto-fellatio! But that’s what happens when you give yourself a big-boy name. The Prince was more of a wondering traveller in search of riches and treasures. He would go from one place to the next making as much money as he could and sleeping with as many women as possible. Think of him as Russell Brand’s inspiration, only slightly less hairy! His only companion was his donkey.
One day, whilst on a jolly stroll with said donkey, a mild sand storm formed and separated the two. The Prince was devastated. Who would he play spin the bottle with now? He searched the barren landscape looking for his four legged Ass. She was nowhere to be seen. Hindered by poor visibility he fell down a cliff and into a deepish ravine. Luckily he had his Gauntlet to bring him to a slow stop. The Gauntlet was a metal glove type thing with claws. You know you want one! He dusted off his shoulder only to turn, look up and have a beautiful woman land on top of him. Who needs a donkey? She quickly jumped to her feet and pushed The Prince up against the wall. Even for The Prince she was moving too fast! Three men with spears appeared above them, clearly searching for the woman who was now inches from The Princes’ face. After failing to spot the pair, the men move on.
THE PRINCE: Well hello there. What’s your name?
The woman ignored him and ran away. The Prince thought this was very rude but wasn’t prepared to let this opportunity pass him by. He gave chase. The Woman bounded between the canyon walls, ran along vertical surfaces and leapt 9ft in the air without any effort. She’d obvioulsy been doing the Activia challenge and reaping the benefits of Bifidus Actiruglaris. But, unbeknownst to her, our Prince was Parkour Champion of the World three times in a row, although not this year because he had a sprained ankle. He followed with ease and quickly caught her up. She had been cornered by two of the men who were previously searching for her. The Prince wasted no time in sticking his oar in. If there was one thing he was good at, it was sword fighting. He quickly intervened with some of the fanciest moves outside of a MC Hammer dance contest. The two men legged it.
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN: Why are you following me?
THE PRINCE: No no, you’re welcome! I’m following you because you are incredibly hot!
Just then the pair are spotted by another spear wielding man.
SPEAR WEILDING MAN: Princess Elika. Stop running. Not least of all because I have Asthma and I haven’t got my inhaler on me.
THE PRINCE: You’re a Princess? How ironic because I’m…
ELIKA: Whatever! Let’s not make a big deal out of it. Look, follow me to the temple. My dad has gone nuts and I need to get back there.
THE PRINCE: Sleep with me and I’ll do it.
ELIKA: Do it and I’ll think about sleeping with you.
THE PRINCE: Oooo! Touche. Okay then!
The pair ran off towards the temple but along the way, a bridge they happened to be crossing at the time collapsed. The Prince tried to jump to safety but he was unable to and he began what was surely the fall to his death. But then in a flash of brilliant blue, Elika appeared from nowhere, grabbed his hand and teleported him to safety.
THE PRINCE: Woah. How’d you do that?
ELIKA: I don’t know. It’s just something I do. I think it’s because I’m good at Yoga.
THE PRINCE: So as long as I stay with you, I won’t die?
ELIKA: I suppose so. Unless you piss me off real bad and in which case I’ll throw in a random direction that you never asked for and watch you fall to your death.
Well at the Prince knew where he stood! They continued to the temple. The ravine opened up into a massive clearing where an elaborate, if not a tad unnecessary, temple stood. It was beautiful, except for a great big tree that was growing around it, but the builders wanted too much to clear the roots away so they figured they could sell it later as ‘rustic’.
The Prince enquired into the nature of their visit to the temple and Elika explained that her dad, The Mourning King, was going to break-free Ahriman – The God of Darkness. The Prince knew who this was and wasn’t best pleased that not only did he exist, but he was now caught up in yet another messed-up family dilemma. But he was so infatuated with Elika that he went with it. They scaled the temple, went deep inside and reached a rather small glowing tree in the center of a large room.
ELIKA: Ahriman is trapped inside this tree.
THE PRINCE: As far as possessed trees go, it’s no Fern Gulley.
Just then Elika’s father appeared. He was on a mission and wasn’t going to be stopped. He managed to get past The Prince by confusing him with a brief game of cat’s cradle. The Mourning King drew his sword and fell the tree. The room immediately began to crumble and fill with black liquid more deadly than Guinness. Elika’s father had disappeared into the darkness and she and The Prince made a swift getaway, but not before The Prince disposed of some slimy tar monster that was forming out of the ground. Due to the viscosity of tar however, the monsters were slow to appear and our hero was able to defeat them in one swift blow. Simples! The two exited the temple only to find the land had been plunged into darkness and all life had been leeched out.
THE PRINCE: Well…erm…this is awkward. I hate to sound insensitive but I helped you find the Temple so now you have to sleep with me.
ELIKA: Not yet! We have to defeat Ahriman first by healing the lands that surround the temple.
THE PRINCE: Woah woah woah! That was not part of the agreement. And anyway, why not just go back and stab him up?
ELIKA: He’s a God. Are you up for trying it?
THE PRINCE: Fair Point. Ooo, but I did hear this great story once about a man named Kratos. He defeated a God once in an…
ELIKA: As I was saying. We should really get on and heal these lands. First we have to heal these four lands here.
Elika was pointing to a fancy map on the floor that made no sense to The Prince. But he nodded and smiled like he knew what the hell she was talking about.
ELIKA: Then, once those are healed, we’ll need to heal the four lands beyond each of these so that’s…4…8…24 lands in total. Then on from each of those is one other land we’ll need to heal, so another four…that makes 28 lands. You with me?
THE PRINCE: Uh huh.
He didn’t have a clue but she looked so cute saying it that he took her word for it. So off they trekked to heal each of the 28 lands needed to seal Ahriman back into the tree. None of this was difficult it has to be said, it’s just that each land was approximately 17 miles apart hence why it took 3,987 wall jumps, 1,672 pole swings, 1,123 ring pulls and 76 toilet breaks. It’s worth noting at this point that it was a good job Elika was around as the total number of times she had to save him from death was nearing 786,911,032. After the first 24 lands were healed and with Elika having a spasm attack at each one, they headed on to conquer the final four. Each one of these were guarded by Ahriman’s toughest minions.
First up was The Concubine. She was basically a mistress that got really jealous one time when she was attacked and scarred for life by her sugar daddy’s wife. She had sold her soul to Ahriman in exchange for the art of illusion. However the power that Ahriman had bestowed upon her was only one tenth that of David Blaine’s so after the introductions, The Prince made light work of her poor attacks. The Concubine 1917 B.C – 799 B.C
Then it was the turn of The Alchemist. This fella was a great scientist who was close to discovering the secret of immortality. But in an ironic twist became terminally ill and sold his soul to Ahriman to extend his life. Because he was a scientist he wasn’t good at sword fights so he challenged The Prince to a game of chess. 16 hours into the game The Alchemist moved his rook into a position putting The Prince into a check mate. The Prince was a sore loser however and took his sword and decapitated him. The Alchemist 2183B.C – 799B.C
Thirdly was The Hunter. The Hunter was…a hunter! He had ran out of prey to hunt because he was that good, so sold his soul to Ahriman in return for the opportunity to hunt the ultimate prey. Due to his particular skills, he and The Prince engaged in a death match Hide & Seek. The Prince was crafty though and had no intention of playing. He left the room before The Hunter had even counted to 5. As far as we know, The Hunter is still ‘seeking’. 2001B.C – Unknown.
Last up was The Warrior. Unlike The Hunter, he wasn’t what his name suggested. He was in fact a King who called upon Ahriman to empower him so that he could defeat some aggressive soldiers that were declaring war on his people. But after he defeated his foes, his people rejected him. Gutted! He was a good fighter however and he and The Prince went back to the age old solution of fisticuffs. But despite having been built up to be this awesome evil fighter, The Warrior was in fact about as challenging as The Sun’s crossword. The Warrior 2411B.C – 799B.C
THE PRINCE: So we going to sleep together yet then?
ELIKA: We haven’t finished yet.
THE PRINCE: You haven’t even started yet! I’ve done all the bloody work whilst you fly around going ‘Look at me, I can do magic and flash blue and white’.
ELIKA: Shut up and let’s get back to the Temple, trap Ahriman and be done with this rubbish.
They made their way back to the temple where Elika’s father appeared covered in tar. Elika was conflicted. He was her father yet he was evil. He was like an evil father. Although she was grateful she wasn’t Luke Skywalker. That was one Evil Father that they wouldn’t have had a chance against. The Prince wasn’t waiting around for Elika to make up her mind. He ran around the King several times causing dizziness. The tar loosened the grip on The King’s trainers and he fell over, slid down some stairs and broke his neck.
They then entered the temple only to find Ahriman was getting stronger and had formed as a giant mountain of sludge. Our protagonists just can’t catch a break! But they were faster than sludge-man so they legged it across the room, up the walls, round some poles, did a jig and were about to escape when Ahriman reached out with his mouth and swallowed them. Effort = worthless. But Elika had a plan. She needed to seal the tree and because she had lost her Polyfiller along the way she had to drain her life force in order to get the job done.
THE PRINCE: Erm. Again, I don’t mean to be insensitive but do you think we could have sex first. I’m not really into dead people.
But it was too late. Elika had begun the plug-job. Her magic and life force drained from her and Ahriman and his minions were once again trapped in the tree. Elika’s lifeless body fell to the floor. The Prince was not happy that the entire reason he started this Mickey Mouse journey in the first place was now out of the window. He Picked up Elika by the ankles and dragged her outside where he placed her onto an alter. He then proceeded to undo all the hard work they had managed to achieve by entering the temple once again, unsheathing his sword and trimming the tree into a shape of a skull. He was good at topiary. The tree spewed out a big ball of energy which the artist formally known as The Prince of Persia picked up and took back to Elika. He returned the life to its rightful owner and Elika awoke.
ELIKA: What the hell do you think you are doing?
THE PRINCE: You can’t get away with it that easily. We still have some unfinished business.
ELIKA: But what about Ahriman?
THE PRINCE: Oh I’m sure we will find a way next time around. They always do.
ELIKA: I’ve only just realised that we have done all of this and I have not once asked for your name.
THE PRINCE: Oh, my name is…
ELIKA: Yeah, I don’t actually care I was just being polite. Now carry me to safety.
The two walked into the ever darkening horizon as Ahriman seeped out into the world.