Where Are They Now: Eddie the Elf

Eddie Elf

1989. That was the year of Golden Axe. The year that we were forced to choose Dwarf, Man or Woman; Gilius, Ax or Tyris. These hardened fighters were charged with defeating countless hoards of skeletons, henchmen and beasts. Each had their own magical ability with which they could unleash a world of pain for their foes. But where did this magic come from? Well, at nighttimes whilst enjoying a campfire and telling ghost stories, our heroes would come across criminal elves. Eddie was one such elf.

Eddie isn’t particularly loved. He was annoying, he was a criminal and EVERYONE kicked the crap out of him. But if it weren’t for Eddie and his brethren, our protagonists couldn’t re-charge their powers and who knows, maybe they would have never completed their mission. But where is Eddie now?

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After one particularly harsh kicking session, Eddie copped and stormed off; never to return again. After recovering from the hernia, 7 cracked ribs, broken cheek bone and fractured skull, Eddie decided to gather his Elf buddies and start a Mafia that Marlon Brando would be proud of. His first action as head of the Elf Gang 217? He threatened all employees with death if the re-imagining of Golden Axe on PS3 didn’t suck. Eddie was not a man to be messed with and they indeed followed his orders. The game failed miserably.

But there came a time when slicing off ears, breaking feet and ripping teeth out got boring for Eddie. He decided he his criminal undertakings had to reach a higher level. During his ascension to Criminal Leader of the World he met Edith the Elf and the two married and had a litter of 17. Eddie now had a family he had to care and provide for. His current line of work was too dangerous. He had to become the type of criminal that was above the law.

He now heads a major Bank. To protect Eddie’s position, the bank cannot be named. But his crimes now rhyme with ‘Loyal Skank of Trotland’.

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