Abridged Too Far – Seventeen



There was once a man called Snake. Solid Snake, to be precise. Not much needs to be said about Snake other than he was awesome! He had that ‘One-Pixel-Face’ look down to a ‘T’ and he could circumcise a mosquito from a mile away using Ninja Throwing Stars. The only downside to Snake was that he was moodier than a puberty stricken teenager.


One day, Snake was kidnapped by a group of people and shoved onto a submarine. Press-Ganging was making a huge comeback apparently. Snake finally regained consciousness but was still unaware of his location. Then a rather annoying noise occurred. Snake looked around the cabin and told the Chas & Dave tribute band in the corner to shut up! Then another rather annoying noise occurred. This time it was from inside his ear. Snake new what this was. He pressed his ear and heard a familiar voice.

SNAKE’S MUM: Snake, what time do you think you’ll be home? It’s just I have a quiche in the oven and I don’t want it to go to waste.

SNAKE: Mum! Not now. I’m busy.

Snake changed the radio frequency.

COLONEL ROY CAMPBELL: Hello Snake. Long time no see.

SNAKE: What the hell do you want?

COLONEL: It’s nice to speak to you too! I was wondering whether or not you wanted to do one last mission for me?

SNAKE: Go to hell.

COLONEL: I knew you would say that which is why you are currently on a submarine heading towards Shadow Moses Island.


COLONEL: Now now Snake. Deep down you know you want to do it so stop all the resistance and just accept it. I’m going to give you the mission brief…

SNAKE: La la la, I can’t hear you.

COLONEL: It includes my Niece at some point.

SNAKE: Meryl? I’m listening.

COLONEL: Okay, so…Shadow Moses Island has been taken over by a group of advanced and genetically modified soldiers commanded by FOXHOUND. The island is actually a Nuclear Disposal facility and they have gained access to a great big machine known as Metal Gear REX. They have threatened the government with nuclear repercussions if they do not hand over the remains of ‘Big Boss’ within 24 hours.


NOTE TO READER: In an unfortunate incident, a fire swept through my study and burned most of this story! I say ‘swept’, it was actually localised on my pad! Don’t worry though, no one was hurt and Kratos the Cat survived with only slightly singed whiskers. I have managed to salvage everything I possibly could.