Slow News Day

Behind the scenes at TSA Towers today there is an air of mild panic. It’s getting close to christmas, all the big games are out and there is nothing to report. No news. Not a squeak. Everything mildly exciting happened at the weekend and today the best we can find is that Shadow of the Colossus is getting a re-release, in Japan, on PS2. Woo! Fortunately after my success with the TSA Tardis, I have managed to cobble together my own Transdimensional Interspatial Timehole System and Arithmetic Random Sequence Equation which allows me to pop over to one of the many multiverses and check out their news. So just for today here is the TSA News from multiverse 1G66TXB-2.

Activision Creates World Peace After receiving his Nobel Peace prize the recently elected President of The United States, Bob Kotick, has decreed an end of the arms race. He has brokered a deal the will unify the world and remove all nuclear weapons. He revealed his cunning plan to flood the world with plastic guitar controllers was inspired by the epic movie, Bill and Teds Excellent Adventure. In the movie Bill and Ted create world harmony via the medium of rock music and this ingenious plan inspired Bob.

“Be excellent to each other,” he said, concluding with “And party on dudes!”

Radec To Join Strictly Come Dancing – Killzone 2 favourite Colonel Mael Radec, the commander of the Helghast Imperial Guard, is to join the next series of Strictly Come Dancing on BBC1.

“It’s time for me to broaden my horizons,” he told us, “It’s all very well being in charge of a huge army, slaughtering ISA forces every day but I feel the general public need to see my softer side. I’ve already started training and I can tell you, my Cha Cha Cha is to die for!”

Colonel Radec will face strong competition for the coveted glitter ball trophy as he will be competing against Babara Windsor, Ex Blue Peter presenter Peter Duncan, Sally Gunnel, Uncle Bulgaria from The Wombles, both Cheeky Girls and a slab of Edam.

Bethesda Release Game With No Bugs – Spokesperson and Co-Founder of Bethesda, Sarah Palin, announced today that Fallout 4 will ship without any bugs, glitches or faults.

“Our rigorous play testing scheme will ensure the game is utterly perfect,” she said, “However this testing will take another seven years but I confidently expect Fallout 4 to be ready by 2017. Possibly a bit later.”

Gran Turismo 6, 7 and 8 Announced – Despite the fact Gran Turismo 5 has not hit the shelves yet, Polyphony Digital has announced the next three Gran Turismo games. Head of PR, Snoop Dog, had this to say,

“Bitches, GeeTee six seven and eight are comin’ ya’ll way. Peace. Out.”

Pac-Man Joins Narcotics Anonymous – Veteran video game star Pac-Man attended his first Narctotics Anonymous meeting last night. Pac was arrested and appeared before a judge last month after he was caught trying to buy drugs by an undercover police officer. The video game world was rocked by the revelation that one of the fathers of modern gaming is a drug addict. We spoke to a close friend of Pac-Man, Sonic The Hedgehog;

“I can’t quite believe it,”  he said, “Who would of thought Pac would go poppin’ pills like that? I don’t know what else can go wrong this year, what with this and the shocking news that Space Invader is a transvestite and then Bub and Bob being committed to a mental institution. Where did it all go wrong?”

Metal Gear Sold 5 Out Next Week – In a suprise announcement, Kojima Productions have announced Metal Gear Sold 5 will be in the shops next week on all formats. Kojima productions spokesperson Matt Damon gave us the lowdown,

“Metal Gear Sold 5 will continue the adventures of Snake and for this game will flash back to his childhood years. Can you slip unnoticed past Mrs. Smethwick the kindergarten teacher by hiding inside the Wendy house?” he asked. We then questioned Matt as to how many hours of cut scenes the game will feature and he gave a surprising answer,

“None. None at all. Since our management restructure program, we have decided against cut scenes. Also I’d like to state for the record that Hideo Kojima does still work here and any rumours that we’ve locked him in the broom cupboard are completely false. He’s just having a holiday. A very long holiday.”

Nathan Drake Divorced – After making headlines by becoming the first video game characters to legally marry, Nathan Drake and Elena Fisher are to divorce a mere five months after their dream wedding on Waikiki beach. Gossip blogger Perez Hilton posted pictures that seemed to show Drake in a romantic clinch with fellow treasure hunter, Chloe Frazer. Drake has always insisted he was merely catching Ms Frazer after she had ‘jumped over a ravine’ and that he had miss-timed the catch so it appeared he was grasping Ms Frazer’s buttocks and his face was buried in her cleavage.