TSA Advent Day 22: The Console Nativity

Our tale begins over two thousand years ago on the outskirts of the town on Bethlehem It is night time, the stars are shining and a lowly carpenter Captain Of The Spartan Army and his virgin bride are travelling towards the city.

Kratos: You’re a virgin?
Bayonetta: Yes.
Kratos: Seriously?
Bayonetta: What makes you think I might be even slightly slutty?
Kratos: I wear more clothes than you for a start.
Bayonetta: But you only wear a loincloth.
Kratos: Exactly. Put it away love, not everyone wants a flash of your arse every five seconds. Now get up on that donkey we’ve got a long way to go.

Bayonetta climbs on the donkey and Kratos wearily leads the beast along the road. Bayonetta sings:

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O little town of Bethlehem,
How still we see thee lie,
Murder death and violence,
As Kratos passes by,
Yet in thy dark streets shineth,
The everlasting light,
‘Cos Kratos has gone nuts again,
As someone’s banged his wife.

Kratos:  What did you say?
Bayonetta: Er, nothing dear.
Kratos: I’m having trouble believing this ‘virgin’ thing you know.
Bayonetta: Look I don’t know how many times I have to tell you, I just woke up pregnant. It’s a gift from God.
Kratos: If it was a swan shaped gift I’m going to rip Zeus skull apart, I know his tricks the bearded bastard!
Bayonetta: Shush dear, we’re parodying the Christian faith in a light hearted manner, Greek gods don’t exist.

Kratos and Bayonetta arrive in Bethlehem. They knock on the door of an Inn and the Innkeeper opens the door.

Clank: Yes?
Kratos: Greetings small robotic thing, my wife is pregnant and we need a room for the night.
Clank: Oh my! I’m sorry but my Inn is full. The top two floors are full of Zoni, all sitting cross-legged about going “Ohm” a lot, it’s like a frickin’ hippy commune up there.. Oh, hello ‘Netta!
Bayonetta: Well hello handsome, long time no see.

Clank blushes

Kratos: You know this guy?
Bayonetta: Er.. Yes. Clank and I were… uhm.. were.. Bingo partners. Yes, that’s it, Bingo. We used to play Bingo together. Sixty-six, clickety click!
Clank: Forty four, droopy draws!
Bayonetta: Forty three, drop on your knees!
Clank: Forty six, up to tricks!
Bayonetta: Twenty seven, gateway to heaven!

Bayonetta winks at Clank. Clank growls like a hungry bear that has just seen a honey pot.

Bayonetta: Easy tiger!
Kratos (stroking his beard): So tell me, oh love of my life, when did you and the tin-pot last ‘play bingo’?
Bayonetta: Well I’d guess at around.. roughly… say.. nine months ago.

Kratos glances at Bayonettas pregnant stomach, and then at Clank. He wears a confused expression.

Clank (panic in his voice): Kaythanxbye

Clank slams the door shut. Bayonetta gives Kratos her best smile and pats him on the head.

Bayonetta: Come on my bald barbarian, let’s try the next Inn.

They trudge wearily to a second Inn and once more knock upon the door. The door opens.

Nathan Drake: Hey.
Kratos: Tell me my good man, do you perchance have a room for..
Drake: Sorry, all full. Hey! Bayonetta! Boy are you a sight for sore eyes! I knew you would come back for some more of the Drake snake!
Bayonetta: Ah, hello Nathan. Have you met my husband Kratos?
Drake: Your.. husband?
Kratos (angrily): Yes.
Drake: Ah.
Kratos: So you know this guy as well? Did he ‘play Bingo’ with you and Clank?
Bayonetta: Mmm kinky..
Kratos: What?!?
Bayonetta: Er I said ‘It’s Blinky’ – look, over there, one of the ‘Ghosts of Pac-Man Past’.
Blinky: Hey there guys!
Kratos: This is a nativity parody not ‘A Christmas Carol’, get back to your own story.
Blinky: Sorry.

Blinky hurries off.

Kratos: So how do you know Mr. Drake?
Bayonetta: Well, as you know Nathan is an expert treasure hunter and I hired him to accompany me whilst I located an ancient artefact, it’s as simple as that my love.
Drake: Yup. Absolutely. Artefact. Damn straight.
Kratos: I see. What were you for?
Bayonetta: We were looking for.. uhm.. looking for the ancient Babylonian treasure called.. er.. Geespot.
Drake: Yes, that it I was searching for her Geespot.
Kratos: I have never heard of this treasure, so I assume you did not find it?
Drake (grinning): Oh I did, in fact I found it more than onc-
Bayonetta (interrupting): But he lost it. In a river. Which is why I don’t have it anymore.
Kratos (unconvinced): Right. This treasure hunting trip, would I be in the right neck of the woods if I guessed this happened.. oh, plucking a figure out of the air.. nine months ago?
Drake: Sounds about right. Well, good luck with finding a place to stay!

Drake shuts the door.

Kratos (suspicious): You never mentioned treasure hunting with Drake before.
Bayonetta (flustered): Oh look, one final Inn! Go be a sweety and see if they have a room.

Kratos and Bayonetta cross the street to the final Inn. Kratos knocks on the door and it opens.

Sackboy: Yo!
Kratos: Greetings rather creepy animated knitted character, do you have a vacancy for my pregnant wife?
Sackboy: Sorry man, all mah homies have checked in and mah crib is full. Sonic is racing around like he’s on speed man, I’ve got Nate Hale and Sev in the bridal suite, full on bromance that is and.. oh, hey Bayonetta you sexy bitch!
Bayonetta: Hey baby!

Bayonetta winks at Sackboy

Kratos: Oh come on, he hasn’t even got genitals!

End of Act One. Stay tuned for Act Two!

Note: If anyone from any religion is offended by this piece I am sorry this was not my intention. Try and remember these two things: Firstly, this is a piece of tat on the internet and not really worth getting offended over and secondly, God has a sense of humour, just look at the platypus. Or the French

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