Ten Things To Do When The PSN Is Back

Previously, in this feature, I’ve made plenty of bad jokes about the PSN downtime. I seem to have annoyed a lot of people recently by either pointing out how terrible the “external intrusion” is or by pretending it’s not so bad and we can all have a good laugh about it.

So, this week I thought I’d try another tack. I’m going to make bad jokes about what to do when the network is back. Same standard of joke (poor), more positive outlook. Surely, I can’t lose with this formula…

  1. Immediately sync your trophies. The absolute worst thing about the network being offline is that you haven’t been able to waggle your electronic penis-substitute in the faces of friends, family and complete strangers. You’ve got a huge collection and the downtime has only seen it swell even more with single player trophies. If you’re in the UK, you probably got even more of a swelling during the break we got for the Royal Wedding. You know, in between watching Pippa Middleton in a fitted white dress. Unleash that massive trophy erec… er, collection on your friends list.
  2. Send a PSN message. You could use that message to gloat that you’ve already completed Portal 2’s cooperative missions. You could use it to enquire about the parentage and/or sexual habits of someone who recently beat you at FIFA. You should probably use it to let the recipient know that they have to forward the message to a hundred thousand people in the next week so that Sony will implement cross game chat/keep the PSN free/send us all a magic unicorn that farts rainbows. Please don’t use the message to say anything complimentary or send pictures of your genitals. I get enough of those.
  3. Redeem that Portal 2 Steam code. There’s no joke here, if your PC is nice and powerful then get that free Steam version of Portal 2 claimed and downloaded. See how it can be even more beautiful than the PS3 version.
  4. Sign in to the PlayStation forums again. Let’s face it, the network might be coming back with extra bouncers on the door but the sheer numbers of people trying to reconnect as soon as it’s live will probably mean that the servers fall over again. If you sign in to the forums before the network collapses, you’ll stay signed in and be one of the chosen few who can vent their anger/frustration/utter disbelief/astounding sense of entitlement to the people who can really do something about it: the community managers who have nothing to do with network stability. Oh.
  5. Drop the lawsuit. You probably wanted to sue Sony for the mental anguish you suffered. Or perhaps you just wanted the cash and attention? Well, no matter because now that the network is up, you’ll be wanting to call LawyersDirect2U and tell them that you won’t have time to appear in court because you’re busy playing SOCOM: Special Forces and receiving messages with new and imaginative spellings of old swear words.
  6. Dry your eyes. You’ve spent two weeks crying into your DualShock 3’s at the thought of having to play a single player game. Your eyes look a bit puffy, if I’m honest. Grab a tissue and dab away the tears and close down all those browser tabs you had open on various forums. When the PSN is back, you can stop interacting with people who can only type responses and go back to communicating through the glorious medium of shotgun cartridges to the face. And offensive PSN messages.
  7. Play a game. The week that the network went down was a huge week for multiplayer gaming on the PlayStation 3. Portal 2’s cooperative side, Mortal Kombat’s online fisticuffs and SOCOM: Special Forces’ tactical murdering have all been crying out for your attention. Now it’s time to give them all a good seeing to and put all that solo practice to good use in front of an audience of millions.
  8. Visit Home. In spite of its massive improvements, many people still don’t see much of Home. I have visited the place once since the weeks after it launched to find it completely different (and full of TSAers getting their picture taken). But it’s been completely empty for weeks. A whole world with literally nobody in it. If you can get lucky and be the first on it, you can probably stick a flag in it, pee up the walls and keep the place forever.
  9. Download something. Anything. My ISP has been sending me letters to see if I’ve fallen out with them. I’ve had to massively increase the amount of gentleman’s videos I download just to make up the deficit in my usual monthly bandwidth consumption. On the plus side, I’m now the world’s leading consumer of movies featuring too many cheerleaders in too small a shower.
  10. Switch off the 360. You don’t have to rely on Xbox Live for your online gaming fix any more and with the summer just around the corner, you really don’t need the extra heat it generates. Go on, there’s nothing coming out for it until after E3 anyway.




  1. “gentleman’s videos” – Do you mean these? http://vimeo.com/hirsutegentleman/videos

    • Is this suitable for me to open at work…Im skeptical and worried

  2. Oh man, can I get a link to that video? It sounds pretty mental. ;)

  3. Cunningly if you reverse “external intrusion” you get Internal Extrusion – aka shitting yourself, which is what Sony have been doing :)

    • No… if you reverse “external intrusion” you get:

      noisurtni lanretxe

      Which I’m sure we can all agree, makes no sense ;-)

    • that was certainly random, also, eeeewwwwww.

  4. Love the positive outlook, and the bad jokes. Syncing my trophies will be number 1 for me!

    • +1

      • Yeah I’ve got a ton of ME2 trophies to load up, and a few more from DA2. Then home, it just had a huge (and awesome) update before the network was shut down.

      • My trophycard says 5175 trophies
        I cannot wait to synch the trophies and use a calculator and see how many trophies did I collect offline in the past 2 weeks lol.
        Also closing on 5 Platinums but leaving it off until the PSN is up and running. Just in case!

      • @ Del – A calcualtor?! Some serious trophy bashing has been done by the sounds of it…

      • @Del Me too, I have only got 2 laps at Suzuka to complete in the Vettel X1 time trial for the final trophy and GT5 platinum so I’m not risking it until the PSN is back up.

      • @ Freeze – That’s impressive mate. I’ve playing GT5 quite a bit since PSN was down and really got into it, made all the more fun with a wheel and pedals too! Still, I cant get anywhere near some of the golds on licences and especially the X1 events. Good luck to you sir, and kudos!

    • @blackredyellow Thanks fella, you should check out the GT5 forum that we have, there are some useful threads with excellent tips to achieving the golds in most of the events and there is a great consolidated guide posted by teflon with useful strategies covering most areas of the game :)

  5. “Switch off the 360. You don’t have to rely on Xbox Live for your online gaming fix any more and with the summer just around the corner, you really don’t need the extra heat it generates. Go on, there’s nothing coming out for it until after E3 anyway.”

    Well said!

    • When you say E3 can you be more specific about which year?

    • Well, except the great list of multi-platform titles such as Brink, LA Noire and Duke of course :P

      • yeh but there on both so makes no difference.

  6. The trophy syncing is the first thing I’ll probably do, mainly as I’ve been picking them up on two different ps3s.

    Probably download some bits (hopefully the “welcome back” freebies) when we get a store update.

    I’ll still be sticking with single player though. I really haven’t missed online play at all. 4 player split screen is the way for me, now if only there were some games that did 3D 4 player split screen.

  7. Changing my PSN password is number one in my list….

    • I think that it’s number one on everyones list, as it’s going to be mandatory isn’t it?

      • Don’t forget you have to update the firmware first.

      • I think that you will still have to change the password first, as you can’t download new firmware until you are logged into PSN, or am i being a bit daft?

        It’s been so long i can’t actually remember… :(

      • @ Forrest_01 You update first. You can try to sign in but it’ll just go automatically to the system update, and tell you that an update is required to access the PSN. And yes, new passwords are required by everyone as part of the update.

    • Agreed, that’s probably the most important thing to do. It would be nice if we could do that prior to PSN getting back online. The sooner the better, although the actual risk will be quite small I guess…

  8. I know that this is completely tongue in cheek (& I had to chuckle a little bit as a lot of the above will apply to some people i know!), but on a serious note, i am right in saying that online passes won’t work until the store is back up right?

    As that isn’t actually due to happen until later this month, that would mean that some mp games (such as Mortal Kombat for example) will still go wanting for a while no?

    • I think the online passes will work because the authentication servers will be back up first. DLC won’t be available until the store relaunches though.
      That’s my read on what’s been said, at least.

      • Ah thanks for the response cb – Not too bothered about picking up any DLC any time soon, but it would be nice to register my product (i picked up bulletstorm during the outage) so that i can take it online if i wish…That is if PSN doesn’t go down again due to overload/hackers (delete as appropriate)!

  9. Syncing trophies will be the last thing to do….for a few days at least. Imagine if the sync isn’t fully working, your proud e-penis will suddenly become rather inverted should you loose all that Ding! Bling. ;)

    The first thing I’ll probably do is complain the my free 30 day sub to PS+ isn’t active or totally gimped because Sony are offering everything that I’ve already got. Hey, we’re in the mood for complaining, why not continue.

  10. The first thing I’m going to do is check each of my 3 accounts to check I definately removed my CC details from them. Then I will be phoning Mr Sony and cancelling said accounts. Forgiving a muck up such as this isn’t something I can do heh.

    • you do realise that it probably works like facebook, you may delete things from your account but their not gone.

      • Lol true. I remember saying to Sky in the past I wanted to delete all my details when I left them, then when I signed back up with Sky about 12 months later they said “do you want us to use your previous card? and you still live at….”. Bearstards

      • When financial transactions are concerned there is data you are meant to keep for a certain amount of time but I believe nto longer than 3 years.

      • Yeah 3 sounds about right. I think Sony have had a lot of people trying to cancel recently, given I rang them up a few days ago and the chap said “let me guess, you would like us to delete your details?” …feel really sorry for them given the hackers are the real villians here but I can’t justify leaving my personal details with them after this huge mistake.

      • Transaction details in the UK including card numbers are kept for 6 years for accounting purposes… Even if you remove yourself from the customer Db, you’ll still be on the transaction Db anyway, that goes for any company.

      • So you’re essentially saying there is little point me ringing Sony and asking them to dispose of my details…

    • I’ll be syncing my trophies first! Then killzone online for about 30 hours straight sounds good. I won’t be changing any of my bank details as luckily I didn’t bother jumping on the paranoid ZOMG they have my bank details train.

      Oh then I’m gonna have to have a crack on COD although I haven’t played on t in months anyways

    • Can corirm cc star is right it’s 6 years legally you have to keep the details before they can be disposed off

Comments are now closed for this post.