10 Things You Thought You Didn’t Want To Think You Knew About GTA V

You’ve seen them all over the last 24 hours – frame by frame analysis, speculation, feedback from ‘those in the know’ – the lot.  But they’ve missed the point.  There’s more to that trailer than meets the eye, and we’ll show you.

Settle back with a nice mug of tea, and read with your eyeballs.

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It’s got dogs.  This isn’t just a cut-scene, this is actually about 10% of the final game.  Remember in GTA IV where you had to take NPC A to dinner every five minutes and then take NPC B to the train station to watch him scratch around on the rails?  Well, in V you’ve got to take your dog for a shit.  Every five minutes.  I’ll be honest, I’m not that fond of dogs, let alone scooping their poop.

Women will ogle the men.  Yes, in a wonderful reversal of the long standing stereotypes that GTA has adhered to, V will let you get wolf whistles from women just by clicking the right analog stick.  This doesn’t work on a 360, sadly – no click – and if you try it on a PC your mates will laugh at you.  Still, at least the PlayStation crowd have got their exclusive feature.  It’s currently being penned at a £10 on-the-disk DLC.  Enjoy.

It’s by Rockstar Games.  There was speculation previous to the trailer that the game would be handled by one of the cleaners down your local pub (ask Drake) but – thankfully – that’s not the case.  There’s apparently a leaked trailer of a work in progress build of GTA V done by said cleaner, but I’ve not seen it and wouldn’t suggest you seek it out.  It’s set in Scunthorpe, for starters.

Part of the game will see you as a caddy, frantically tapping X to run faster so that you can retrieve the ball from whatever ‘rough’ it has fallen into.  You don’t get to drive a golf buggy, and you certainly don’t get to swing a club – at least not until the Episodes of Grand Theft Auto V, the first part of which is currently dubbed The Ballad Of The Guy With The Golf Buggy And Club.

You don’t climb this mountain, you create it.  With your hands.  With Kinect.  Yes, in a surprise Xbox 360 exclusive section, GTA V will see you as the controller, waggling around trying to build a structure that will – spoilers – stop the incoming legion of elephants from trampling all over Vice City (see below). Any pesky civilians caught in the way can be stopped out, Populous-style, by making ridiculous gestures with your legs.

This isn’t GTA V, it’s PlayStation Home.  Somebody at Rockstar clearly made a complete error here.  Nice arse, though.

Missing in action since the early nineties, super ravers Altern-8 will be back in action.  They’ll be mapped to a special weapon which your seven lead characters can call upon at any time.  By pressing X, Triangle, Circle you’ll be able to make them pop-out of the nearest van and rave everyone up to f*ck.  The music will change from gangsta rap to wicked hardcore tunez as lights flash and strobe your opponents to almost certain death.  Does not work on elephants.

Finally listening to criticism from middle England, Rockstar have replaced the ability to hurt humans with a much more friendly ‘bash the signpost’ angle.  Instead of hunting prostitutes, killing them and robbing them off their nicely bundled money, you’ll be able to knock in signs, clean bins and brush driveways.  It’s safer, and – let’s be honest – will sell many more copies of the game.

Cars will have four exhausts.  Two isn’t enough, and one’s just laughable.  It’s not a car unless it can destroy the atmosphere quicker than it can get to sixty.  In this shot, the car is red, which clearly means that the guys from Halo machinima Red versus Blue will be involved.  We look forward to lingering shots over Blood Gulch with that slightly off centre American humour.

And, finally, it’s set in Vice City.  I know this looks like Vinewood, but I’m fairly sure that’s a typo.  I mean, I’ve seen palm trees, pina coladas and blokes with half rolled up sleeves in the trailer, and if that’s not Miami my name’s not Geoffrey.  Bollocks to LA, anyway, we’ve been there before in San Andreas, at least Vice City will be fresh and never seen before in a GTA game.

Hope that whetted your appetite further.

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53 Comments

  1. And still no mention of mice eating aliens…I maybe taking the title of the game a little too literally…

  2. Just what I needed after an extremely boring morning! Epic! :D

  3. Most amusing.

    BTW Altern-8 are not missing, I played a set after tham at a gig last year. They played Activ-8 – was fab :)

    • Did they play Evapor-8 as well? And what about… no that’s about it actually.

    • Top one nice one get sorted.

  4. What about BIGFOOT?! Tell me he’s going to make a magnificent appearance!

  5. Best post in YONKS!

    • he posted it in yonks as well?
      dammit, i thought this was exclusive to TSA.

      ^_^

  6. Brilliant read and PS Home was the first thing I thought of when I saw that house shot too.

  7. Nofi, its nothing personal (and to be honest I don’t think you really care as its the internet) I’m not saying this site doesnt get a few LOL’s out of me. Just not this one, and I’m not saying to be a ‘cool’ I have given my reasons. However if I was to list this sites strength ‘funny’ wouldnt be one. Honest, no bs, none fanboy bait, factual, very very quick with news, consistent, and well written reviews, and what seems like a well organized and strong community (also its seems takes critisiam well) are the things that pop to my head. I may not comment much, but believe me I am on this site 3/4 times a day everyday without fail.

    • P.S in advance spelling isnt my strongest point, and I’m in a rush.

    • Really? The humour is one of the main reasons I like it here. It’s not like they do full skits or loads of articles like this (this one is a rare treat) but the general attitude of the writers and the visitors who leave comments is whimsical and light and that is rare on the internet in general and especially on a gaming site.

    • TSA has always had a strong stream of humour running through it and as long as I’m in any position of control it always will have. It’s what made me come back after my first google search landed me here as a visitor and it’s what makes me continue wanting to write for and manage the place.

      It’s okay to not get it or not like it but if you don’t find something funny isn’t it quicker to just click the back arrow and go read some of the other, more serious content we also provide? I mean, is there any reason to say that you don’t find something funny? I can’t think of one that isn’t ill-meaning.

      It’s not like the lighthearted posts replace the kind of content you enjoy, they’re extra (actually, they’re the original, the reviews and volume of news is the “extra”).

      Finally, I’ll take any excuse to link my favourite YouTube video, aimed as much at the people attacking your opinion as it is at you ;) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0la5DBtOVNI

      • Damm you Peter, i thought it was a video of Kris dancing again. ;)

        TSA wouldn’t be TSA if it was completely serious. Every article has that classic TSA humour whilst being serious. I mean, i understand that this article won’t appeal to everyone’s sense of humour and that is fair enough.

        but if Peter allowed an influx of GTA 5 articles, i think everyone will eat him alive/hanghim/force him to drink pepsi.

        And TSA holds 45% of the world’s biscuit supply and porn supply. ;P

    • Humour is the reason I come to TSA… You’re entitled to your opinion though.

  8. Nice take on the trailer.

    However I can’t help but feel there was an opportunity missed regarding Altern-8 and stabbings ;)

  9. Nice read. GTA games have been far too serious in their last few iterations, perhaps they are the ones who should be reading this.

  10. I’d buy 10 pound DLC if that makes women look at my while running through the streets.

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