Before proceeding you need to read this lovely article posted on the US Maxim website. That’s US Maxim, not UK Maxim who are much more sensible with their gaming coverage.[drop2]The writer at Maxim is a tricky beast. Highly devoted to his ‘job’, he’ll spend days and nights pursuing his goals and playing video games… but that doesn’t mean he’s hopeless. You just have to speak his language. Here are a few of our tips for the ladies to help you touch his heart.
1) Stop being a thicky. We all know ladies’ heads are filled with shoes and shopping and the concept of video games may seem scary even though 50% of today’s gamers are female. Statistics shcmastistics, girls don’t play games, they just make ‘confused-pouty-face’. Instead of spending time looking at the latest clothes designed by Posh Spice, why not pick up the manual to Call Of Duty and learn what pressing button ‘A’ does. See if you can force that knowledge into your pretty little head.
2) Learn to join in. Why not try and learn how to handle your man’s joystick to show him you love him? Even better, get your twin sister round and show your Maxim writer just how special and manly he is by arranging a surprise multi-player session, just for him. He deserves it, it’s very hard work being a sexist pig.
3) Be appreciative: Your man, The Maxim writer, could be out snorting coke off a hooker’s breasts. In fact, he probably does that most weeknights but tonight he will be staying in to play Call Of Duty. You should appreciate the effort he is making to be in the same room as you, so why not cook him a steak to show how much you love him and don’t forget to make sure he has a chilled beer at all times.
4) Dress up. The Maxim writer is a fan of cosplay, especially those hot girls from Dead or Alive. Remember that time you came home and found him furiously masturbating over PSOne era Lara Croft? That was sexy wasn’t it?! Why not dress up as Lara and for maximum allure make cardboard covers for your arms and legs so they are all boxy and erotic.
5) Make Him A Mix Tape. The Maxim writer loves custom soundtracks and says ‘Xbox and PS3 both have options for playing your own soundtrack in a game’ which is kind of half right. It’s not really supported on the PS3 but, bless him, he can’t be expected to get little details like that right when he’s got tits to look at. Make your manly man a USB stick full of top tunes and plug it into the PlayStation – make sure you are wearing an extra short skirt when you bend over to make him really, really happy.
6) Buy Him Something On The PSN or XBLA. The Maxim writer suggests this himself so, ladies, go mad! Log on to your beloved’s Xbox or PS3 and go to the online store. Being a manly man, Maxim Writer isn’t scared of hackers so he keeps his credit card details on the network so you are free to do what you do best – shopping! Go ahead and spend, spend, spend! Buy your man all the games he could ever want he’s sure to appreciate it – just make sure you hide his next credit card bill.
7) Buy Him A Real Life Present. Gaming hardware can be really expensive but girl, you have too many shoes already, spend some cash on that lovely Maxim chap. Why not buy your man a new joystick? His is probably worn out from furiously bashing it every single night whilst looking at those hot nurses in Silent Hill.
8) Virtual Roadhead. This is ‘the pinnacle of awesome’ according to The Maxim writer so make it a night he will never forget. Have your guy fire up his copy of Gran Turismo or Forza and as he begins to race, unzip his jeans and go to town. Watch as his expression turns from joy to sheer horror as he realises you munched on a couple of Scotch Bonnet peppers moments before.
Once his manhood is pleasingly spiced, pick up his beer and pour half over his head and the other half over his games console. Maxim writer will be unable to move, shocked to his very core that a woman could do anything other than shop and be used for sex so help him out of his daze by giving him a firm, sharp slap round the face.
To help him out of his trance we also suggest shouting ”You f**king neanderthal!’ very loudly.