We haven’t done a silly Top Ten for ages. So, let’s bring back some of the Friday fun to TSA and see what reasons we came up with for the delay of content arriving on the EU PSN Store. We don’t mean any harm, obviously, it’s just that we thought someone should at least try to explain it…
- SCEE QA testers are desperately scanning the code for instances where someone mentions the war. Now, John Cleese taught us all not to do it and in Europe, where we’ve all got a bit more socialism than those pesky, triumphalist Americans, it’s just considered bad form. So SCEE’s QA testers are obviously looking out for references to the war and that’s a huge issue in most games. Counter-Strike: Global Offensive has already caused several mental breakdowns resulting in poor QA workers goose-stepping around a restaurant.
- Those damned developers are sending code by surface mail. They’re printing it out on dot matrix printers, putting it in banana boxes and loading it onto ships in New Jersey. It’s all part of a crazy austerity budget at SCE, they’re not allowed to pay the extra $10 for airmail. It’ll be here in another three weeks.
- They’ve forgotten the WiFi password to the QA room’s network. Was it “password1” or someone’s birthday? Try “admin” for the username and “password” for the password. How do you reset this thing, has anyone got a paperclip? Try switching it off and on again. Oh for Christ’s sake, has anyone got a phone number for Anonymous?!
- Their granny is sick and they missed the bus and anyway, their dog ate their bug reports. They’ll make up the time though, they’ll work on the next bank holiday or something. Thanks for being so understanding.
- They’ve left the USB stick on the Tube. It’s been discovered by a 14 year old girl from Tottenham who has deleted all that boring work crap and filled it with ringtones of One Direction and Justin Beiber songs illegally downloaded from a dodgy website. When it’s finally been recovered, we’ll all be really puzzled at the soundtrack choices they made for the EU version of Dyad.
- Everyone at SCEE is still filling out bug reports for the PS3 version of Skyrim. It’s a simple queue at SCEE QA and Skyrim was there first. Current projected finish date for that task is 2014 and then they’ll start looking at the DLC packs.
- Nobody can remember where they’ve left the Move wands. They had them a while ago, they definitely remember using them for Sorcery. Nobody has seen them since J K Rowling was in to show off the Book of Spells Wonderbook but everyone is too afraid to ask her if she took them home in case she uses Avada Kedavra on them.
- Look, everything else is being delayed until early 2013, so the EU PSN Store just wants to feel like one of the cool kids, okay?
- Tokyo Jungle is out next week and everyone at SCEE is huddled around a conference room table with their heads in their hands trying to work out how the hell to write a description paragraph for the Store page.
“Is it a platform game? An adventure? Maybe it’s kind of a puzzle?” says one dumbfounded employee. “Well, what do you have to do in it?” asks his helpful colleague. “You’re a dog and you have to eat a monkey and avoid the bear while pissing up flagpoles and mounting lady dogs on piles of straw. Except sometimes you’re a deer that only eats plants.” Comes the reply. “We’re going to need to call a meeting…”
- All that stuff is on the store really, they’ve just made it invisible for anyone they don’t deem super-cool enough to play it. I’m off for a quick go on Auditorium HD before my Counter-Strike: Global Offensive clan meets up this evening, who’s with me?!