Five In-App Purchases We Really Don’t Want To See

Today’s news that EA’s Dead Space 3 wants to charge you real money to top up your in-game currency (commonly seen in free-to-play games) might not surprise anyone in particular but it’s a telling route down a line that’ll see publishers increasing their long-tail revenue well beyond that first week spike.

But don’t expect Isaac’s latest romp to be the only game that’ll feature this brand new, exciting way to spend more money on games. There’ll be more. Many more. Next gen will be full of them, so let’s take a moment to joyfully speculate what those games – and the dreaded in-app purchases – might be. Might. Don’t get your pants in a twist.

RACING IN AT NUMBER FIVE is Gran Turismo 6. Polyphony’s latest, currently assumed to be next-gen but could very well end up on an iPhone, will have ‘realistic’ petrol levels and – as a result – will require IAP (in-app purchase) top-ups every few laps. Run out of petrol? It’s 69p a tank, Jimmy. But don’t flaunt the flashing yellow light – if you run out on the tarmac it’ll cost £1.99 to get the engine cleaned and that’ll take a week in real-time unless you buy the £4.99 time booster.

AT NUMBER FOUR IS UNCHARTED FOUR which is going to bleed you dry with IAP ammo supplies. Unlike EA’s interstellar escapades with Isaac and chum, Drake’s rather more down-to-earth setting won’t charge you for guns (you’ll find them on the ground safely at the feet of dispatched flaming zombie guys) but you and that omnipresent old guy with the ‘tash will need to stop off to buy ammo at shops – two quid a box of shotgun shells, Guv. Find yourself short in the jungle? You’ll need to pay for a crate drop, too. And they won’t be cheap.

NUMBER THREE? KRATOS IS DEAD! Dead? Yep, you’ve lost all your vitality in God of War 4 and Santa Monica have helpfully popped up a little message that says if you want your last checkpoint back from the clutches of Hades (or, you know, whoever) it’s 69p. Don’t laugh – that exact same thing appeared last week in an iPhone game, although it didn’t feature a muscle-bound bloke in a loincloth. And speaking of clothing: the costumes will be a quid each, unless you want to scrape around looking for thread and cotton.

JUST IN AT NUMBER TWO is Sly Cooper 5. The wee guy needs to creep around but everyone knows next-gen isn’t just about Teraflops and 4K resolutions, it’s about realistic leather wear and tear. Those softly-softly shoes won’t last you more than a couple of levels before the helpful cobbler window appears and demands real-world pennies in exchange for his precious time (and cow hide). It’s a serious business, and unless you’ve upgraded to the Nike Super Stealth 500s, this will be a constant, nagging reminder.

AND THIS WEEK’S NUMBER ONE is MotorStorm 4. Those festival tickets the previous games handed out willy-nilly with barely any regard for the fact that such a practice is single-handedly responsible for the destruction of our rainforests? You’ll need to pony-up this time. Oh, sure, they’ll hook you in with the first couple for free, that’s always how it works, but by the time you’re three tracks in it’s £1 per race. Unless you win. Oh, the meltdown will be glorious.

Did we miss any?

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46 Comments

  1. Press ‘Proceed to checkout’ to Jason?

  2. The Sims 4 – actual gas bills arrive at your home IRL.

  3. What a boring read. Sorry

    • Agree mate. TSA is getting more and more negative with its articles and it will soon be time to say goodbye. The comunity is the only thing that seems to tie me to the site these days.

      • It was a joke. Five jokes, actually.

        More and more negative? Did you not read my Journey blog.

        Sigh.

      • I wouldn’t be as harsh as McProley but weirdly I have to agree with fattyuk (as rarely as this happens :P). The “jokes” were too easy. It felt as if the whole article was put toghether in a hurry to be relevant with the DS3 discussion going on. In my opinion this article does not display the amount of effort that usually is put in a TSA article.

      • If there is nothing nice to say……

      • Well, TSA is all about opinions, right? It would be pretty lame if all you could do was agree with every single word that was posted on this site, wouldn’t it?

      • Hmm, not sure I’ve noticed any Journey articles…?

      • True KeRaSh but it’s not very likely that every single article will appeal to everyone. Usually if it’s something you have no interest in or something that you didn’t enjoy it’s best to just move on and read one that is more appealing to you :). Maybe you’d like to take a look at Tuffcubs Snatch… that sounds like some sort of torture method!

      • Not sure if serious about the Journey thing. If you are, here’s the link: http://www.thesixthaxis.com/2013/01/21/journey-once-more-into-the-desert/

    • Written by a child, clearly.

  4. How about pay-per respawn on call of duty? I’d be skint pretty quickly with that! Or buy-a-special move on Streetfighter? Maybe EA could let us pay to reset conceded goals on Fifa?

    • Just though of this – recreate the arcade experience with actual coin operated consoles! Died on that final boss? Quick, find a quid & put it into the Xbox! NOW!

  5. GTA VI you’ll need to pay your phone bill in order to use your phone and then be hit with extra charges when you use the sat nav and it takes you over your monthly data allowance.

    Then of course every 6 months you’ll need to upgrade your phones to the latest model so it runs quickly enough.

    • If it were an iphone you would need to upgrade your phone every month!

  6. SSX and the ‘hire’ of better equipment, lift passes & heli drops.

    It’s a cert!

  7. Ha. Hilarious if not a bit saddening that beneath this humour lies the truth.

    • yes, at first I was laughing, but then thought, well if this is the case, then I wont be using my next generation console much, or at all.

  8. Would be funny, if it didn’t happen. But its obviously going to, closely followed by the price increase to £5 minimum transaction.
    Time to reduce my gaming time, its getting too expensive.

  9. Interesting piece of writing —> conclusion: keep playing on ps3. Lovely, I already have all the hardware. Installbase of a couple of million ps3’s can’t be ignored that easely.

    • No reason this couldn’t happen on the PS3 before the next gen comes.

      • That’s what I’ve said before. No reason to cling to this gen. These business models are not bound to a console generation.

    • EA already does this with Need For Speed? lol.

  10. I wonder if this will happen on all platforms? I remember the RRP of Modern Warfare being £55 whereas, on the PC, it was £29.99. I appreciate the PC market was smaller but it’s as if they realised they couldn’t take the piss with PC gamers as much as console gamers.

    With that in mind, I’m curious to see how IAPs will go down on the likes of Steam/PC/etc.

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