Carry On Games Journalist: The Times, They Are A Changing

In response to the rapidly changing landscape of games reporting, we are proud to announce a raft of new features and improvements to TSA. We have spent hundreds of hours with core focus groups to identify the needs of our readers and we hope you will embrace and enjoy our new content.

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As well as our superb coverage of games on all formats we will be expanding our content to cover other areas of interest. As we are a British publication we have decided that we should focus on a topic that recently gained 13 million viewers on BBC1 – baking!

Starting next week TSA will have a recipe of the day, with an accompanying instructional video by head baker, Peter. We will also post reviews of the latest creations from Mr Kipling and, to launch, a special report on Greggs in which we investigate the phenomena that is the Steak Bake.

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If we can be bothered to cover the news we’re going to save time by just posting the headline and then the words “Developing story” underneath. We might get around to updating the item with actual facts, but in all likelihood we will probably be too busy reviewing Fondant Fancies.

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We’re bringing a raft of social features to next Evolution of TSA and to support these we have purchased brand new servers with custom built “Club” Drives from some friendly Cheshire-based developers. These have been thoroughly stress tested with over ten people using them concurrently.

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TSA is proud to announce our support for Nintendo’s ground breaking Wii U games console and will cover all games released for the console. If any are released. Ever. At any point in time. Whenever you’re ready, publishers. Anyone? Anyone at all? Games. Wii U. Anyone?

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TSA will refocus 90% of our output to cover old games which have been on the shelves for at least three years. No more annoying previews to attend, no more talking to excited developers, none of that “hard work” nonsense. You won’t find us starving for four days at next year’s E3 trying to bring you coverage of new games, we’ll be sat in the TSA office writing about Silent Hill on PS One.

We’re also planning to explain to you what happened in the previous week’s Doctor Who, even if you have watched it.

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Due to a lack of big budget “AAA” games we are going to focus on what PlayStation 4 does best, indie titles with retro styled pixel graphics. There are literally a bazillion indie games coming to the console, many of which are straight ports from iPhone games which have entertained dozens, perhaps even hundreds of people.

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Running along the right side of the front page of TSA will be a new feature, The Sidebar of Sauce, with the latest celebrity pictures from the gaming world.  Check out pictures of Lara Croft on holiday – hasn’t she put on weight? – and just look at the adorable Little Sisters from Bioshock, all grown up now!

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We have been planning these changes for almost four years and from the offset we had a simple target: render TSA at 900p and 30fps. We believe that the staff will work harder, look more realistic and perform more intelligently at this resolution.  We understand that many of you want 1080p and we hear your cries of “I didn’t buy my PS4 to read your website like this,” but we’re going to ignore you.

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Despite appearing on every website, magazine, podcast, blog and chat show, we know you want even more Mike Bithell! The unofficial spokesman for all that is indie will be appearing at least twice on every page of TSA from now on, with an extra helping of cheeky independent fun on Sundays.

Please note that Mike Bithell is exclusive to TSA for a period of one month after which he will be ported by Curve to anything that has a screen, included photocopiers, Tamagotchi and that little indicator on your water filter than that tells you when it needs changing.

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Sleeping With The Enemy is a brand new series exclusive to TSA in which Tuffcub invites developers from around the globe in to his sex dungeon in exchange for positive reviews and previews of their next game.

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Launching with our new look TSA will be a brand new peripheral, the TSA Connecticam! We have signed a raft of major developers to create new content for the hardware which will allow you to navigate pages on TSA and watch sports at the same time!

TSA just won’t function without the Connecticam, this is an essential piece of hardware which we have designed in conjunction with the finest technicians at GCHQ and the CIA.

TSAFACT

Recorded at this years EGX, our new talent show, The TSA Factor, launches this autumn!

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More spelling mistake, more typos and more news and features written by a group of video game fans with no budget and little to no formal media training who are deluded enough to think people will want to read their badly typed words.

You would probably cross to the other side of the road if you saw one of them walking towards you. Maybe even throw a few rocks, especially at the tall ginger one. Sarcastic git that he is.

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34 Comments

  1. A very serious and intelligent article on gamergate…and then this!, all in one day. This is why i love TSA. Good stuff TC

  2. Great news. Really looking forward to this.

  3. This is the strangest article I’ve ever read on here. “sleeping with the enemy” ha ha!

  4. Awesome. Can we please get a review of some of my favourite Vic 20 games. Never mind modern day crap like Resogun & Football Manager, i want reviews of Omega Race & The Boss. Team talks and talking to the press my @rse. I want a remake of The Boss!

    • You missed out Micky the Brickie :P

  5. Where’s the link to buy a TSA Connecticam? Will there be a day 1 patch? Can’t wait for the steak bake article, they are so fucking good.

  6. Where the heck did this come from? April Fool’s Day is still in April, right?

    • Yeah, but we’re fools all year round.

  7. Hasn’t this already happened???

    Nevermind. Entertaining article despite the fact that you forgot the exhilarating coverage of Vita’s upcoming first party games (The PS4 bit was better though).

  8. If it’d been anyone else on the TSA team, I’d say this was a great spoof piece but after following TuffCub on Twitter for a while, I think he’s deadly serious! :o

  9. I demand more videos of the TSA Staff singing Call Me Maybe.

    With more enthusiasm next time Kris!

  10. I think you should be explaining what happened in _next_ week’s Doctor Who, even if we have watched it.

    I look forward to the reviews of Fondant Fancies though. If pink ones get a good score, I shall be disappointed.

    • As if anyone could give a pink fondant fancy more than a 5/10. Yuck.

      • I’ll take all your unwanted pink fondant fancies! 8/10.

      • I think I want to marry you. We can live in a house made entirely out of non-pink fondant fancies.

        At least, that’s what I’d say if it wasn’t for the fact that (a) such a house would be impractical, at best, and a potential death-trap at worst, and (b) such an offer would probably get me into trouble with another man. Who I love very much, despite not knowing his views on pink fondant fancies. Maybe I should find out.

        I hope I’m thinking of the right thing here. They’re the ones with the little creamy nipple on top, yes?

      • Oh no! A reply managed to sneak in and now it sounds like I want to marry someone who rates pink fondant fancies as an 8/10. This is not good.

        Just to be clear, I don’t. Either of you, really. And pink fondant fancies (assuming they’re the thing I’m thinking of) are the worst. A 3/10 at best. About 1/10 as safe building material.

      • The problem with building a house out of just brown and yellow fondant fancies (yes, with the “nipple” of cream at the top) is that I’d be eating all of the yellow ones, making it even less structurally sound than usual. Best to use the pink ones as the construction material, while we sit inside I scoff the others. Then we just need to make sure Aran isn’t around….

      • While _you_ eat all the others??

        That’s it. The wedding’s off.

      • DONT MENTION NIPPLES!!!

      • Can’t all us fondant Fancies lovers just get along, regardless of our chosen colours? I have a dream…that brown Fondant Fancies, yellow Fondant Fancies, and even pink Fondant Fancies can be eaten in harmony together. I have a dream that a man could build a house from every colour and be accepted.

      • Now I’m curious as to why we shouldn’t mention NIPPLES!!! with 3 exclamation marks and all in capital letters?

        Either someone has a terrible, irrational fear of NIPPLES!!!, possibly due to some childhood incident? Or someone _really_ likes NIPPLES!!! and just the mention of them causes strong and distracting feelings of arousal.

        Either way… NIPPLES!!!

        Also, no, we can’t all get along with the freaky pink fondant fancy fanciers. I’m generally very open minded about most things (at least until I’ve given them a try a couple of times), but that’s just wrong.

      • Tuffcub is banned from talking about them. In articles, at least. He lost a bet.

      • Glad we’ve got that cleared up then.

      • I had a birthday cake sized fondant fancy a few years ago, something like that may be more structurally sound for building a house.

      • Birthday cake sized?? Hmm.

        The obvious question here is…

        how big were your creamy NIPPLES!!!

      • Big enough to smother your face in.

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