In response to the rapidly changing landscape of games reporting, we are proud to announce a raft of new features and improvements to TSA. We have spent hundreds of hours with core focus groups to identify the needs of our readers and we hope you will embrace and enjoy our new content.
As well as our superb coverage of games on all formats we will be expanding our content to cover other areas of interest. As we are a British publication we have decided that we should focus on a topic that recently gained 13 million viewers on BBC1 – baking!
Starting next week TSA will have a recipe of the day, with an accompanying instructional video by head baker, Peter. We will also post reviews of the latest creations from Mr Kipling and, to launch, a special report on Greggs in which we investigate the phenomena that is the Steak Bake.
If we can be bothered to cover the news we’re going to save time by just posting the headline and then the words “Developing story” underneath. We might get around to updating the item with actual facts, but in all likelihood we will probably be too busy reviewing Fondant Fancies.
We’re bringing a raft of social features to next Evolution of TSA and to support these we have purchased brand new servers with custom built “Club” Drives from some friendly Cheshire-based developers. These have been thoroughly stress tested with over ten people using them concurrently.
TSA is proud to announce our support for Nintendo’s ground breaking Wii U games console and will cover all games released for the console. If any are released. Ever. At any point in time. Whenever you’re ready, publishers. Anyone? Anyone at all? Games. Wii U. Anyone?
TSA will refocus 90% of our output to cover old games which have been on the shelves for at least three years. No more annoying previews to attend, no more talking to excited developers, none of that “hard work” nonsense. You won’t find us starving for four days at next year’s E3 trying to bring you coverage of new games, we’ll be sat in the TSA office writing about Silent Hill on PS One.
We’re also planning to explain to you what happened in the previous week’s Doctor Who, even if you have watched it.
Due to a lack of big budget “AAA” games we are going to focus on what PlayStation 4 does best, indie titles with retro styled pixel graphics. There are literally a bazillion indie games coming to the console, many of which are straight ports from iPhone games which have entertained dozens, perhaps even hundreds of people.
Running along the right side of the front page of TSA will be a new feature, The Sidebar of Sauce, with the latest celebrity pictures from the gaming world. Check out pictures of Lara Croft on holiday – hasn’t she put on weight? – and just look at the adorable Little Sisters from Bioshock, all grown up now!
We have been planning these changes for almost four years and from the offset we had a simple target: render TSA at 900p and 30fps. We believe that the staff will work harder, look more realistic and perform more intelligently at this resolution. We understand that many of you want 1080p and we hear your cries of “I didn’t buy my PS4 to read your website like this,” but we’re going to ignore you.
Despite appearing on every website, magazine, podcast, blog and chat show, we know you want even more Mike Bithell! The unofficial spokesman for all that is indie will be appearing at least twice on every page of TSA from now on, with an extra helping of cheeky independent fun on Sundays.
Please note that Mike Bithell is exclusive to TSA for a period of one month after which he will be ported by Curve to anything that has a screen, included photocopiers, Tamagotchi and that little indicator on your water filter than that tells you when it needs changing.
Sleeping With The Enemy is a brand new series exclusive to TSA in which Tuffcub invites developers from around the globe in to his sex dungeon in exchange for positive reviews and previews of their next game.
Launching with our new look TSA will be a brand new peripheral, the TSA Connecticam! We have signed a raft of major developers to create new content for the hardware which will allow you to navigate pages on TSA and watch sports at the same time!
TSA just won’t function without the Connecticam, this is an essential piece of hardware which we have designed in conjunction with the finest technicians at GCHQ and the CIA.
Recorded at this years EGX, our new talent show, The TSA Factor, launches this autumn!
More spelling mistake, more typos and more news and features written by a group of video game fans with no budget and little to no formal media training who are deluded enough to think people will want to read their badly typed words.
You would probably cross to the other side of the road if you saw one of them walking towards you. Maybe even throw a few rocks, especially at the tall ginger one. Sarcastic git that he is.