BDSM: Big Drunk Satanic Massacre Review

Titter ye not.

About three-quarters of the way through BDSM: Big Drunk Satanic Massacre, you stop to talk to a reporter who resembles a My Little Pony with a large dildo for a microphone. Breaking the fourth wall she asks what you think of the game and one of the options is, “It could do with some work, they must have been smoking weed”. Picking this quite obvious answer, the game text switched Russian despite my language options being English. Yep, this game really could do with another few months in the oven.

BDSM’s story is fairly straightforward. Thirty years ago, an overweight petrol pump attendant was having some ‘me time’ with a porn magazine in the toilet of the gas station and discovered a portal to Hell. The humans then liberated Hell, opened coffee stores and holiday parks, and somehow the petrol pump attendant became the owner of a large burger chain, Big Wac, which we discover uses minced demons as the main ingredient in their burgers. Lucifer, or Lou as he is known, is a drunken slob hanging out in bars in his underpants, but decides now is the time to reclaim Hell back from the humans and stop his friends from becoming juicy, dripping meat between two firm buns.

This is a twin stick shooter with Lou stomping around Hell killing all the enemies you come across. Some of these are humans, but others appear to be from Hell – I am not clear as to why you are fighting fellow demons when you trying to stop them from being minced, but there you go. Lou starts with a pistol, but over the four levels he can pick the standard set of weapons you get in any game: A machine gun, a rocket launcher, a flame thrower etc. Each weapon has an alternate fire mode and Lou can augment these using spells that give him a shield, launch meteor attacks, or summon a squad of imps to attack enemies for you.

Since some doors are locked by magical boobs (obviously), you must hunt around the map and find the triple-bosomed states and headbutt the middle tit to progress. There’s also side quests to complete that give you extra weapons, and you can talk to various characters like the flirty succubi, leading to a stick wiggling mini-game. You waggle your stick up and down at the speeds demanded by your partner while a picture of a red hot weapon throbs on screen and orgasmic moans are heard. Sure, it’s a gun or the barrel of a tank on screen, but you don’t need to be a genius to work out this is meant to be a wanking simulation.

That’s fine by me. You’re allowed to like sexy demons, woof woof, and I’m not here to shame anyone, but  – and before I continue this sentence please make sure you are sitting down and have glass of brandy ready – at one point you get to stimulate Hitler.

Technically he’s named Not-Hitler in the game, but it is clearly Hitler in fishnet stockings and he’s begging you to stroke the barrel of his mighty Panzer.

Enemies drop currency which can be used to upgrade your weapons and spells, while grabbing red orbs power your Rage mode which fires a glowing laser from Lou’s eyes. Also, because reasons, the vendors feature another mini–game, a strategy board game also called BDSM, in which you move across a tiled play area one square at a time, collecting cash and avoiding enemies.

By now you should be getting the picture that this game throws out a lot of barmy ideas, but sadly that is also a problem. Lou is a great character, but his voicework is limited to a few shouts as he enters rooms. All the other conversations, some of which are quite lengthy, are shown in a small text window. Innuendos are fired out with gay abandon, but there are so many they lose their impact and editing these conversations down and voicing them would have made the game snappier and a lot more amusing.

Despite the innuendo, gimps, and My Little Pony’s with flamethrower strap-ons, the game doesn’t feature much in the way actual titillation, which is maybe a tad surprising. The camera is quite high above the play area, so even when you get to the strip club the gyrating nymphs lose all detail and are just a bunch of pixels jiggling about. It also seems that developer Big Way are aware that certain markets such as Australia are rather strict, so while there is mention of drugs, there’s no usage, and Lou drinks MILK (in capitals), which is clearly beer or whiskey as it makes him as drunk as the game’s title suggests.

There are also quite a few technical problems: the frame rate judders more obscenely that the aforementioned nymphs, button presses don’t register, and there has been little thought on how to make it play well on console. The objective box is covered by trophy messages far too frequently, and the masturbation mini-game asking you to waggle up and down is actually rather difficult to do in real life. I had to hold my controller sideways and place my palm on the stick and rub it up and down… Oh, do behave!

Many gameplay elements are also left unexplained. I kept on finding a purple icon that seemed to have two air horns in it, but I couldn’t pick it up or use it, and the strategy mini game has no tutorial. I have read that there there should be options to chose the levels of gore and censor some of the ruder bits, but I could not find them, and it appears the censor was turned on in certain levels and certain things were pixelated. Then again, those things were spike pits and saw traps, both of which had been uncensored in previous levels and are clearly not rude at all. God knows what was going on there.

Somewhere in this mix of reserved filth, technical glitches, and rocket launchers, there’s a great idea for a game. I love Lou as a character, I like twin stick shooters, and I like a good bit of smut. A decent editor and a little more time could really improve the game, simply moving the camera closer to the action would help and let you see the really lovely enemy models. If you’re going to doing smut, then embrace it. It might be trickier with consoles, but let’s have some boobs and dinkles on screen, and live up to the trailer that promised raunchy action! However, I must commend the game on it’s liberated attitudes, Lou swings both ways, and given that the game was partly developed in Russia, that is quite something.

Summary
Despite it many flaws, I enjoyed BDSM and will be going back to get the Platinum trophy. It is mindless fun with occasional boobs, but really does need a good hard polish (honk honk) and a decent script editor.
Good
  • Lou is a great character
  • Shooting is solid
  • A few smutty jokes do work
Bad
  • Quite a few technical issues
  • Actually quite reserved when it comes to sex
  • Can be finished in less than three hours
5
Written by
News Editor, very inappropriate, probs fancies your dad.

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