Something funny for you on a Sunday morning. TSA member Hannes_Truce lists the main characteristics of each breed of gamer. I’m loving our Guest Writer features, please keep sending them to the usual address which is peter[at]thesixthaxis[dot]com with TSAGuest in the subject line.
The world of the gamer is a strange, and to the inexperienced, often scary place. There are many different environments and eco systems inhabited by some truly fascinating and unique creatures and it is vital to know which creatures are dangerous, which harmless and which are just downright dull. I have therefore taken it upon myself to study and document the various species of gamer and their habits and habitats.
*Please note that the following contains broad generalisations and thus is bound to offend at least a few people. I know this as I have offended myself several times reading this back.*
There are two distinct varieties of gamer, each with a set of sub-species. The first and most harmless of these Groups are known as the ‘Casual Gamer’ with four sub-species documented below:
The Trend follower (Ovis Aries)
Commonly found around posters showing the current standings of games in the charts, these gamers will generally stick to buying titles in the top ten sections of supermarkets and games shops. They will rarely stray into the pre-owned section due to the fear of buying a game which all their friends are not currently playing. The Ovis Aries tend to buy games a few days after they are released when they have had time to see if their friends are playing them and what position they will achieve in the previously mentioned charts.
An exception to this rule is ‘the hyped sequel’, such as the upcoming Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, which will be a day one purchase for many of the species. The release of a Call of Duty game is a magical time of year when you are able to witness a miracle of nature: the Trend Followers flocking in their hundreds to get their hands on a copy of this game.
The species is mostly harmless but it is strongly advised to not get between them and a copy of Call of Duty on release day.
The Tween (Lilac Oryctolagus cuniculus)
The Tween is not a species in itself as much as a female pupae stage which can mature into any of the other listed stages, but for ease of reference I have listed them as their own sub-species. The pupae stage normally only lasts between five and ten years before maturing.
During this stage the creatures take on a strange fascination with the softer more feminine colours such as pink and purple and are attracted to the letter Z. They also like games to contain small and often fluffy animals which the Tween will virtually pet and look after. It has been theorised that this is to prepare them for maturity when they will often use small and fluffy animals to entrap males into a committed relationship, however there is little proof for this at the time of writing.
The Tween gamer is mostly harmless but can become surprisingly aggressive and violent when confronted with a male gamer.
The Broke/ Tightwad (Hirudo medicinalis)
Much like smaller fish hang around larger predators these gamers are often found in the habitats of the hardcore species the Cavia porcellus.
The creatures, whilst harmless, are parasitic and like other parasites often cause great annoyance and discomfort to their hosts. They are generally self invited, unwanted guests who will hijack the host’s console for large periods of time. When confronted by their hosts they will often reply with their defensive call ‘Just one more go.’
The species could easily afford to own a console but takes great pleasure in causing extreme frustration to the host.
They mostly non violent but have been known to lash out when drunk. Avoid feeding alcohol and snack food as this will prolong their presence.
How-do-eye (incommode idiotus)
Commonly confused with the Ovis Aries due to their tendency to buy games being played by their friends, the key characteristic of this sub species is their loud and repetitive call. There are several variations of their call but the most commonly heard are ‘How-do-I-shoot’ and ‘How-do-I-make-it-go’.
The species has an extremely short attention span and will often be distracted by vibrant colours. They are often found online repeating the same call until a member of another species answers. This can often lead to confrontation with one or more of the Crocuta crocuta sub species.
Unlike the Crocuta crocuta the How-do-eye is not prone to mindless violence or ‘flaming’ despite it’s lack of intelligence.
The second Group of Gamers is known as the ‘Hardcore’ group. More elusive than the casual gamer the hardcore group has a much more diverse spectrum of behaviour and a lot less money:
Geek (Cavia porcellus)
The most knowledgeable of any of the inhabitants of the gaming world, the geek is often devoted entirely to all things gaming and rarely partakes in non gaming related activities. Like in most social circles the amount of knowledge possessed by the geek and their gaming prowess often makes them unpopular with the other species; however this is of little importance to them as they generally prefer to keep to themselves.
The amount of time the geek will spend investigating their habitat and gaming can often lead to sleep deprivation and the species is also prone to suffer from a vitamin D deficiency.
Often found in the company of the Hirudo medicinalis species but through no choice of their own.
Lazy (Choloepus didactylus)
The lazy gamer is found sat in an upholstered seat and is often overweight due to their lack of physical exercise. The species prefers to spend it’s time gaming and eating snack food and it is rare to see these creatures outside of this situation.
Not much else is known about the species at this time as they rarely venture outside where they could be studied easily and their habitats are difficult to enter due to discarded crisp packets.
Trophy whore (Gymnorhina tibicen)
Little is known about this newly discovered species and their habits are still being studied. Until recently it was though that these gamers belonged to the geek species due to their similar interests and mannerisms, however it has been discovered that their overriding objective is to boast to other species about their collection of silverware.
Much like birds, the trophy whore is strangely attracted to all things shiny and will spend a great deal of time obtaining trophies. Trophies are objects obtained by playing games in certain ways and in extreme cases for grinding (playing a repetitive part of a game over and over). The trophies themselves have no monetary value and no substance but these creatures cannot collect enough. They are especially keen to collect the most valuable of these trophies, ‘the platinum’ or ‘plat’ and the amount of these has been theorised to be directly linked to the likelihood that they will find a suitable mate (much like the colour and vibrancy of a birds plumage but with opposite effect).
They have in extreme cases been known to play games such as Hannah Montana: The Movie and Terminator salvation to obtain trophies.
The species is normally harmless but have been known to react violently when referred to as Trophy Whores. To avoid such outbursts, it is strongly advised that if you suspect you are in the presence of a member of the species to simply refer to them as a geek.
Fanboy (Crocuta crocuta)
The most ugly and aggressive creature in the gaming world, the fanboy should be avoided at all costs. Their misguided sense of product loyalty often leads to extreme ignorance and a tendency to flame others.
This species is mainly found on the internet in forums arguing endlessly that their particular brand of console is better than anyone else’s. There is a lack of logic in most of their actions as their endless arguing does not seem to achieve anything. Their general lack of intelligence impedes their ability to see sense or argue constructively.
It may be tempting to engage one or more members of the species and to take part in one of these arguments but it is not advisable. If faced with something they don’t understand, or something that renders their point invalid the species will often resort to petty insults and violent threats.
Due to the lack of a constructive role in the Eco-system of the gaming world, several applications are currently pending to have the species moved to a remote island, away from the other species where they will most likely fight to the death. The most recent application has even asked that the events on the island be televised for the amusement of the other species.
Hopefully this article has enlightened you and will help with your future interactions with any of the above creatures. The observations documented above are correct at the time of writing but research into all the species is ongoing.