My Top Ten: Games You Don’t Want Your Kids to Play

In a random act of kindness (and also because I realise that my contributions have been a bit down this week and I don’t want you all to fall out with me) I’ve got another, related Top Ten for you. Enjoy!

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  • Pac-Man (Arcade et al.) – Who wants their kids to learn that standing in darkened room with glowing lights, repetitive, electronic music and an abundance of little white pills is an enjoyable way to spend the weekend? Teaches paranoia, superstition and substance abuse.
  • Fable II (360) – on the surface it’s a game about saving the world from a crazed oppressor but just take a moment to think of the other possibilities it allows. Promiscuity, economic slavery and chicken-kicking. Teaches poor sexual hygiene standards, animal cruelty and irresponsible parenting.
  • Haze (PS3) – There are many reasons not to recommend this to your children but chief amongst them is the dependency on drugs. Seriously, unless you’re diabetic that is way too many injections to be taking. Teaches addiction, insurgency and poor voice-acting.
  • Canis Canem Edit/Bully (PS2) – Good job Rockstar, teach kids that the way to deal with bullies is to er… bully them? I want my kids to learn to stand up to bullies, not become them! Teaches bullying, humiliation and disrespect.
  • Grand Theft Auto IV (PS3) – It had to appear somewhere didn’t it? The level of realistic violence and general adult themes in this make it totally unsuitable for minors. It is the poster-child for the “video games corrupt our children” campaigners despite not actually being available to children. Teaches swearing, stealing and, allegedly, a recipe for crystal meth.
  • The Jungle Book (SMD) – Not an obvious choice but this game is based on the most racist kid’s film ever. Except Uncle Tom’s Cabin. Think about it, a white kid (they even abandoned the illusion of near-Asian heritage in the game) can’t live among the jungle-life anymore so he has to defeat them to get back to civilisation. All the time stripping the landscape of its natural resources (gems). It’s colonialism of the worst kind. Don’t even get me started on King Louie. Teaches intolerance of different races, colonialism and poor musical taste.
  • Metal Gear Solid (PSX) – Snake has a lot of good qualities that would, under normal circumstances, be good to pass on to your children but I’m afraid I can’t get by the obvious character flaws. Teaches use of soft pornography, mocking those with weaker bladders and that smoking is cool.
  • RapeLay (PC) – This was released in Japan in 2006. It’s a Hentai (basically Manga porn) game in which the object is to stalk and eventually rape a woman and her two young (possibly pre-teen) daughters. Possibly the most unpleasant piece of “entertainment” ever sold. Teaches political corruption, stalking and rape.
  • Manhunt (PS2) – Any game where the objective is to kill people with improvised weaponry (a lot of which could be found around the home) is probably not a great idea for those sullen teenage years. Hide the plastic bags. Teaches multiple methods of murder, casual violence and a limited colour palette.
  • SingStar (PS3) – I know a lot of you will leap to this game’s defence but really, how many of you can honestly say you enjoy listening to little kids singing? It’s right up there with cats in pain as one of the worst sounds known to mankind. Even Simon Cowell couldn’t listen to it. Teaches tuneless warbling, awful pop music tastes and unrealistic aspirations of pop stardom.
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