My Top Ten: Genres I Want

This is the first top ten list compiled after I appealed for subjects on the forums. This one was Roarster’s idea and when I fell out of bed this morning and found myself lacking in the top ten department it seemed like the easiest one for me to make funny. Thanks Roarster!

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  • The Bicycle Simulation. We’ve had flight sims for years and Japan goes nuts for train sims. We’ve even had car racing sims. I want a bike sim where you have to realistically cycle to work in the freezing fog and drizzle whilst car drivers beep their horns at you and drive dangerously close at sixty miles per hour. In my dreams the chain always snaps a few hundred yards onto the dual-carriageway and you oil-stain your best suit.
  • The DIY Rhythm Game. Who needs stupid half-size plastic guitars when you could have full sized plastic power tools? Levels include putting up a shelf, hammering together a shed and trying to plaster a wall without it looking like a dirty protest.
  • The Overstressed FPS. I’m tired of the right-wing spuriously blaming video games for every school shooting or crazed employee in the USA. I’d like the industry to fight back. This game should include slogans on the loading screen like: “who does he think he is?”, “they don’t have to take you alive, your name will live on forever”, “he’s not the boss of you” and “they’ll have to notice you now”.
  • The Realistic Dating Sim. There are a few games that claim to be in the Dating-game genre already but they’re not realistic. I want something to be available with a range of different box-art options, some which don’t even contain discs. When you find one with a disc in the box you have to use the game to purchase several dinners, some expensive trips and holidays and a few hastily-conjured birthday presents. Over time the game shows you some, increasingly bad, porn and after a few years it stops letting you play it and eventually clears your bank account and installs itself on your best friend’s PC.
  • The Office Racing Game. This one might be a bit of a stretch so bear with me. Imagine racing co-workers around office buildings. You would have to run around offices, sending business-types diving for cover, aiming to be the first to the water cooler.  I see it playing like Mirror’s Edge but with the ability to throw staplers at fellow competitor’s heads. Security guards and badly stacked photocopy paper are great obstacles and picture your delight when you realise that the sequel will include an accurate representation of that office around the corner from you!
  • The Sandbox Stripper. You play a stripper, working private functions in Los Angeles. The aim is to raise enough money to pay yourself through college by visiting your agency and getting “missions”. Hazards include over-zealous punters and stag nights that would like their entertainment to have a “happy ending”. Could feature some character-creation and light RPG elements.
  • The Law Enforcement Mechanic. You’ve all played those games where you’re a hardened criminal, running from the cops in your generic US muscle car. The police cars are flipping, spinning and crunching into obstacles all around you but when you finally escape those cars have to be fixed. That is when you go to “Bert Diggins – Cop-Car Mechanic”. Gameplay mechanics require you to suck air through your teeth and over-estimate expenses while smoking little roll-up cigarettes and patching up an endless procession of beat-up police cars.
  • The Debating Game. Imagine an old-school 2D fighting game like Street Fighter II. Now imagine that no matter how annoying the other “combatant” is you’re not allowed to punch him in the face. You win the round by defeating the other person’s point. Headsets are, obviously, an advantage but you can text chat if you want to. Subjects will include politics, religion and science with DLC coming in the shape of current-affairs packs. The online multiplayer is awful.
  • Point-and-Click Action Adventure Web Design Game. You have to use your mouse and keyboard to deal with clients through a simulated email interface. They make unreasonable demands and you have to click around the interface to make their wishes come true. Oh wait, I think that’s a job rather than a game?
  • The “Peculiar Sports” Party Game. I’m tired of bowls and tennis on my Wii. Give me dwarf-tossing, zorbing, extreme ironing and shin-kicking and I might buy the latest party game compilation.
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