Abridged Too Far – Seven

AbridgedHeader


UNCHARTED: DRAKE’S FORTUNE

There was once a man named Nathan Drake, and, as his name suggests, he was indeed a descendant of the second greatest explorer of all time; Sir Francis Drake. Of course the greatest explorer of all time is Carmen Sandiego. She was so good no one knows where she is to this day. One day Drake decided he would go and find the coffin of his Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandad. Sir Francis was buried off of the coast of Panama some 400 years ago. It was bound to still be there. Nathan’s companion for the trip was Elena Fisher; A documentary film maker who was wanting to film the find. The sexual tension between the pair was blatant and in no way cliché!

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DRAKE: I’m just going to turn my sonar on to see if we can find it.

He activated his equipment and it bleeped.

DRAKE: Oh, there it is.

They hauled the coffin from the sea bed and placed it on the deck of their boat. Despite 400 years underwater, it was in quite good nick.

ELENA: This is it. We have found Sir Francis Drake’s coffin. I’m going to be famous. I’ll get an award.

Nathan quickly got his crowbar and, with ease, managed to open the 400 year old, rusted coffin. It was empty. Nathan wasn’t too worried however, he had a feeling it would be. He searched the coffin and all that lay inside was a small silver box. Inside this small silver box was a Russian Doll. He opened the doll only to find another, then another and then another. It eventually came down to a minute wooden doll. Nathan was pretty sure there was nothing inside that but he opened it anyway. Out from the tiny toy popped an A5 size, leather-bound diary.

DRAKE: Haha. I knew it.

ELENA: What’s that you found?

DRAKE: A diary.

ELENA: Let me see.

DRAKE: No. Find your own diary. Finder’s keepers, loser’s weepers!

Drake kept the diary from Elena. The book was his ticket to riches. Just then, 5 speed boats appeared on the horizon and were heading towards them at quite a speed. Drake picked up a briefcase. Inside was a Yo-Yo, a whisk, a can of deodorant and a pistol. He thought about each before taking the gun. He handed the Yo-Yo to Elena.

DRAKE: You know how to use one of these?

ELENA: Sure, you just move your hand up and down in a steady rhythm.

DRAKE: Good, because those are Pirates, we are here illegally and we need to sort this out ourselves. You ready?

ELENA: Well…

DRAKE: Good.

The speedboats slowed and Pirates jumped into the water surrounding Drake’s boat. A couple of the Pirate Ships had big red barrels on board which read: ‘Shoot here. I’m red, therefore explosive’. Drake shot at these and they did indeed explode. However, some of the Pirates had managed to climb aboard Drake’s boat. Now fisticuffs were in order. Drake punched and Elena swung her Yo-Yo around. These Pirates were amateur. They fled. But the friction from the string around Elena’s Yo-Yo had become so much that the string snapped due to it being alight, and the toy fell to the floor. In seconds the boat was ablaze. But luckily for them, a plane swooped in and landed in the water. Drake and Elena jumped overboard and entered the plane. It was piloted by Drake’s friend – Victor Sullivan, or ‘Sully’ as he likes to be called. Sully immediately tried hitting on Elena and all she could do was humour him. He was 30 years her senior, what hope did he have?

The plane took off and Drake explained to Sully that the coffin was indeed empty, as he had predicted, and that he found a diary. Sully looked at the diary.

“March 4th 1587. Today I had Weetos for breakfast but I was only really interested in the figure head for my pencil. Then I fed the cats and started writing a saucy limerick to that foxy young lady down the street. Oh, and then I drew a map to Eldorado.”

SULLY: ELDORADO! I thought they cancelled that after 5 episodes?

DRAKE: Not that Eldorado. The lost city of gold, Eldorado.

SULLY: Oh! Nice. Well if we are going on the hunt for that, then we need to ditch the broad. We can’t have her publishing this; we’ll have every Tom, Dick and Harry searching for it. Not to mention Aneka Rice.

So Sully pushed Elena out of the plane and they flew onwards to a small set of Islands. Once landed, the two men pushed their way through dense, but beautiful, jungle. To be honest they didn’t really need a map as there was only one way forward. After a while they had seemingly come to a dead end, but Drake noticed that a section of the floor was wooden and breakable.

SULLY: Quick, drop something heavy on it.

Drake looked around and found a rather shiny item hidden amongst the undergrowth. It bore some strange markings: ‘PS3’. Drake didn’t know what it was but it sure was heavy. He dropped it on the floor and the entire thing collapsed beneath their feet. They now found themselves inside an elaborate cave system with tricks and traps for them to overcome. But the diary in Drake’s possession described all of these obstacles in detail and they progressed further. The trip was taking longer than it usually would have because Sully was about as athletic as an asthmatic cripple. There were parts where he wouldn’t even try. Drake was left to show off his skills by swinging from rotten ledges and dangling over vast chasms. They eventually came to a grand room. The back wall was covered in carvings of people praying, but the item they appeared to be worshipping was missing. Instead it left a great big hole.

DRAKE: Of course. Eldorado wasn’t a city of gold, it was a gold statue.

SULLY: How do you know that?

DRAKE: Got any better suggestions?

SULLY: No.

DRAKE: Then shush.

Just then they both noticed some cuts in the floor. They assumed they were the tracks left by whatever had dragged the statue away. They followed them out of the cave system and after a gentle stroll around the corner, they were confronted with a German U-Boat perched on the edge of a huge waterfall.

SULLY: Well. That’s bizarre. Awesome, but bizarre.

DRAKE: Must have got stuck during flood season.

At this point you are probably wondering: ‘Flood Season?’ They were some hundreds of feet above the ground, what the hell happened? Did the Polar Ice Caps melt? Anyway, once again Sully refused to go inside so Drake had to do all the work himself. He scaled the surrounding cliffs with expertise seen nowhere else before. His movements were seamless and he apparently had no fear of dangling 90ft above the boat. He eventually found his way down to the submarine. He run along the hull and was about to enter when he got distracted by the stunning view. He perched himself on the end of the boat and took a long look around. He wished he had brought his camera but he had to pry himself away and enter the sub.

Once inside he found lots of rotting Germans and a copy of ‘Getting stuck on waterfalls for Dummies’. Upon deeper searching he found some interesting Gold coins and a map of another Island. It had to be where Eldorado was taken. If it wasn’t, then they were stuffed. Drake radioed Sully to tell him the good news but the connection was lost so Drake ventured outside via the torpedo shoot. Before leaving, he decided to push a big red button on the wall that read ‘Push me to activate torpedo’. He escaped the sub and swam to land. He climbed out of the water only to find Sully being held at gunpoint by some people who were obviously not very nice. A very English person, must be a bad guy, introduced himself as Gabriel Roman.

ROMAN: Hello. I’m…

DRAKE: Sorry to interrupt but look at me! I’m wet. My clothes are wet. How cool is that? Look, look. I’m drying. Wow. Sorry. Carry on.

ROMAN: I’m Gabriel Roman. Your friend here told me about your little adventure and seeing as he owes me more money than an Iceland bank, I thought I’d pop along and see what the fuss was about. Now I know you found a map in there. Hand it over and I’ll leave you alone.

DRAKE: Go play with yourself.

Drake’s rather unhelpful response earned him a wet-willy from Roman’s number 1 goon: Navarro.

DRAKE: Oh alright. Here you go.

Roman took the map, pulled out his gun and shot Sully in the chest. Just as he did so, the torpedo that Drake had activated earlier blew up destroying the sub and distracting the guards for a little bit. He took the opportunity and ran. He fled the scene but they soon gave chase. Drake was faster however and he quickly got the lead that he needed. He ran around the corner only to be confronted by Elena. She grabbed him and pulled him out of sight until the goons had passed. When the coast was clear, the pair emerged.

DRAKE: Elena. How the hell did you get here?

ELENA: There’s a passenger ferry leaves every 15 minutes. Not such a secret Island after all.

DRAKE: Oh. Well there’s no time for talk. Sully is dead and we need to get to another secret Island before those guys do. Do you still have that Yo-Yo?

ELENA: No, I lost it. I do have this Pistol though.

DRAKE: That will have to do. Come on let’s go.

So Drake and his new companion made their way back to the plane. But now they had Pirates to contend with. Drake’s aim was good but not brilliant. He wished there was some way to lock on to people but he did the best he could. Eventually they made it to the aircraft and began their journey to Secret Island #2. But it wasn’t that easy. Upon the approach to the Island, a seagull flew right into one of their engines and the plane started to descend. Rapidly. The two of them had no choice but to bail. They put on parachutes and jumped from the burning plane. Elena jumped first, camera still in hand. Drake jumped shortly after, but Sod’s law, he had a hole in his chute. He plummeted toward the ground and blacked-out upon touchdown.

Drake awoke some hours later to the realisation that his dream was deceptive and he was in fact being licked by a squirrel. Oh, and the realisation that he had left the map on the plane. Now he would have to track down the plane wreckage, find Elena, find Eldorado and survive Pirates. Fun! He followed the smoke that was billowing from the aircraft. He was having to kill a lot of people along the way. Where do they get this many henchmen? He tracked the plane down and climbed inside. The Map was sat nicely on the dashboard. That was lucky considering nothing else survived the crash. From this vantage point he could see Elena’s parachute tied up on some ruins in the distance. Maybe this was going to be easier than he thought. He made his way to the ruins. It turned out they were part of a huge fort. A fort that he now had to scale. Drake obviously had more energy than a certain battery-powered bunny. He did it with ease, entered the castle and found Elena’s parachute. No Elena however.

DRAKE: Women! If you did as you were told, this would be so much easier.

But he soon spotted Elena across the courtyard, at the other end of the ruins. They were separated by 68 Pirates. Drake flew in there and unloaded his AK-47, rolled, threw a grenade, rolled again, pistol whipped three in quick succession, picked up a magnum, shot 6 more, and then punched the crap out of the remaining foes. He stood victorious over a pile of bodies that would make Rambo feel ill. He finally met with Elena. They could now advance. Well, they could have done except the door they needed to open needed two pairs of hands and whilst Drake was ready, Elena had disappeared and was apparently taking her time in helping. But she finally decided to show up and help. There next destination was the Harbour. Accessing the harbour consisted of using a jet ski and a grenade launcher. This whole experience was so frustrating and annoying that we will skip over it. Needless to say, a stroke would have been more fun.

Upon arrival at the Harbour, Drake immediately found a log book which detailed the contents of Francis Drake’s ship, confirming Eldorado was here! Out of the thousands of books that lined the walls, the one they needed was on the desk. Someone was looking out for them. On the far side of the harbour was a speed boat, moored up and calling them.

DRAKE: We need to cross these balconies to get to that boat.

ELENA: Yeah…You do that…and I’ll stay here and film.

The thought of slapping Elena did cross Drake’s mind. He resisted. So he began leaping from balcony to balcony, climbed more walls and killed more people. He finally made it to the boat, but he was too late. Roman and some Pirates had already commandeered it. Bastards! Then Elena appeared next to him.

DRAKE: How did you get here?

ELENA: I took the stairs. Look what I spotted.

She showed Drake the camera and Sully was still alive. He was with Roman.

DRAKE: We need to follow them. Where did they go?

ELENA: According to the map, they are headed toward the Monastery, just passed IKEA.

They started up again and headed toward the Monastary. Along the way, Elena dropped her camera. Drake stopped short of turning round and shouting GUTTED in her face. I would have. As they neared their destination, the Island began to become less appealing. Drab weather and bloodied effigies don’t say ‘Come in, make yourself at home’, and somehow, the Pirates had managed to get some serious firepower and body armour from somewhere. But still, Drake and Elena soldiered on. Of course this entailed more killing and more climbing but they were getting used to it by now. Upon finally reaching the Monastery, they observed Sully giving his captors incorrect directions, buying the good guys some time. They ventured inside, rescued Sully and rather than going out the door or window, they decided to follow a maze of underground caves where they discovered the body of Sir Francis Drake. If he couldn’t find it then I would give up personally. But they pressed on only to discover one of Roman’s leading Pirates running away from what he described as a monster. He explained that they were once humans that had been mutated by the curse of Eldorado. A rather tense battle ensued between Nate and his friends and a bunch of scary-arse mutant things. Drake didn’t sign up for this. At no point in the brochure did it mention scary monsters and jumpy scenes. The Pirate was killed and devoured by the freaks which gave Drake the chance to climb a ladder and escape the mayhem. They were safe. At least they thought they were. Drake and Elena got separated and Elena was captured. Typical Elena, she’s always making things more difficult. Drake now had to fight even more freaks in order to rescue Elena. He didn’t mind being alone though; he’d done everything so far anyway. He finally emerged victorious only to find Roman and Navarro standing with Eldorado. Elena was being held hostage.

ROMAN: You are too late Drake. I’ve won.

NAVARRO: Err…Technically I’ve won.

ROMAN: What?

NAVARRO: Look over there.

Roman became another victim of the ‘Point and Look’ distraction technique. Whilst Roman’s back was turned Navarro opened Eldorado and smoke seeped out toward his former employee. Roman ingested the smoke and its effects were worse than a 20-pack of Sovereign. Roman transformed into one of the freaks that had been roaming the Island and he was swiftly killed. Navarro ordered a chopper to take them away. The helicopter lifted the statue and Navarro from the ground. Drake ran, jumped and clung to the netting around Eldorado. Indiana Jones and Lara Croft had nothing on him now.

Meanwhile, Elena, who was aboard the helicopter, began to slap the pilot silly. She really went to town, forcing the Pilot to flee the chopper. He’d rather take his chances with the sharks than take on an angry female. Due to Elena’s less than impressive flying skills, the copter crash landed on an off-shore rig. Fortunately it was Navarro’s rig so damage was a bonus.

All parties were now on board Navarro’s ship and a massive fight broke out between…well…everyone! I could be mistaken, but I believe the fight was over someone looking at someone else’s woman. Because this didn’t involve swinging off of ledges and ropes, Drake found this bit a tad more difficult. But, ‘Slow and Steady wins the race’, as Drake’s old momma used to say. He eventually overpowered Navarro and sent him packing on a one way trip to unconsciousness with a quick game of cricket. Except in Drake’s world, the bat was his fist and the ball was Navarro’s head.

Drake rescued Elena from the aircraft just as Navarro regained consciousness. Now, just as I’m sure you and I would be able to, Drake pushed the Helicopter off of the boat and as it fell, the rope connecting it to the statue had entangled itself around Navarro’s leg and he too was dragged to bottom of the ocean by the helicopter. Eldorado was lost.

ELENA: Thanks for saving me!

DRAKE: This is all your fault. Don’t speak to me.

Just then Sully appeared in a speed boat to rescue the pair of them. As they sped into the setting Sun, Elena leaned in to kiss Drake, whispering:

ELENA: You still owe me a story!

DRAKE: Go away. I hate you.

THE END.

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