Some of you might remember Abridged Too Far from the last time it appeared, although by my reckoning it’s been two years since the last entry. However, Lewis (who you can find over at ScreenDemon if you miss him) has resurrected the far too silly series for this look at God of War: Chains of Olympus.
Warning: This piece contains extensive spoilers for not just Chains of Olympus, but the God of War series as a whole. It also contains strong language throughout. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
God of War: Chains of Olympus
Once upon a time there was a Spartan warrior known as Kratos. I don’t need to introduce him, however, as we’ve met him thrice before. Needless to say that he is still one hell of an angry man. Due to the fact that the following story takes place before the events we heard about in God of War I, he isn’t as angry. Yet. On the angry scale, at this point, he’s just above ‘Scottish’ and just below ‘Drunk Mel Gibson’.
Kratos has been serving the Gods for approximately a decade, doing everything from defeating fleets of enemies to menial labour and mindless chores such as polishing statues and re-pointing brickwork. Just as boredom begins to seep its way into his life, the Persian army invades the city of Atticus and Kratos is tasked with coming to its aid.
Upon arriving in Atticus, Kratos quickly discovers that the Persian army has a secret weapon. A pet, not like the kind that you or I would keep, no, this was a basilisk. Although it does kind of look like a bulldog; it has that same constant look of “I’m angry due to having been bred to feature more face flaps than Patrick Moore” on its face.
The basilisk was a building-sized beast with massive teeth, huge claws and a breath made of scorching hot fire. Undeterred, the Ghost of Sparta advanced through the city severing heads, smashing pots and crates and kicking shins. Adrenaline coursed through his veins and the excitement of brutally murdering an obscene number of people reinvigorated Kratos. But, soon enough, his path to the basilisk was blocked by his first real adversary within the Persian army. It was the Persian King.
PERSIAN KING: Ah, the Ghost of Sparta! The pet of the Gods. HA HA HA.
KRATOS: Wasn’t that funny.
PERSIAN KING: Go back to your masters and tell them that they can not stop the great Persian army.
KRATOS: Yeah… I’m not going to do that. Probably just kill you instead.
PERSIAN KING: You can try…
With that Kratos unfurled the Blades of Chaos and sent his razor sharp weapons flying into the Persian King, taking the long-haired, big-chested cliché by surprise. This angered the King and out of his body sprung an enormous, fiery man who thumped the floor with thunderous effect. Kratos has seen many a thing in his lifetime so, whilst mildly impressed, was not afraid. Before the Persian King knew what was what he found himself lying on the floor feeling worse for wear.
PERSIAN KING: Stop! Please, no more. Spare me and you can have all my gold. All my women.
KRATOS: YOU HAVE NOTHING I WANT! Actually, that is a lot of gold. I’ll come back for it. Other than that, YOU HAVE NOTHING I WANT! Oh, and are they the women you were referring to?
Kratos pointed to two scantily clad ladies sat in the corner touching each other as if witnessing the bloody battle that just took place was a natural precursor to sex. The Persian King nods.
KRATOS: In which case I will take them, too. Other than that, YOU HAVE NOTHING I WANT.
Kratos picked up a huge rock from beside him and proceeded to cave the King’s skull in. Then he carefully placed the rock back down on the floor, as he thought it mindless to break the rock too. With the battle won, the future God of War entertained the two women before pushing forward through Atticus until he came face to face with the basilisk.
BASILISK: RARRR GRRR ROAAAR
The basilisk swiped at Kratos with his mighty claws, breathed fire in Kratos’ direction and generally stank. Kratos bided his time, learnt the beast’s moves and after a quick hop, skip and double jump, the Blades of Chaos were once again unleashed and the basilisk’s flesh flew off in huge chunks. A man appeared pushing a mobile kebab cart and picked up the pieces of flesh from the floor.
KEBAB MAN: Don’t mind me, just restocking. Carry on.
Kratos lodged his blades into the beast and slammed him to the floor. He swung his blades upwards, into a building wall and pulled it down on top of his four-legged foe. But Kratos was not done.
He once again inserted his weapons into the basilisk, its lower jaw to be precise, and broke the animal’s face. The basilisk was dead. The remaining residents of Atticus cheered and whooped in appreciation. It’s not the best reward, let’s face it, but at least they were grateful.
At that precise moment the sun literally fell out of the sky and crashed into the horizon. The world was plummeted into darkness. Kratos looked at his watch.
KRATOS: Hmm, that’s odd, it’s only lunchtime. I bet Helios is back on the smack.
In the darkness Kratos could see a strange fog appear and he knew what he had to do. He ran as fast as he could toward the place where the sun had met the Earth. This took him to the city of Marathon (twinned with Snickers).
The enemies here were different to Atticus. Screaming Gorgons, sword-weilding annoying little shits and even more annoying little shits with bows and arrows. Kratos still didn’t know what was happening with the sun or with the black fog but he knew to be cautious thanks to the screams from people around him.
RANDOM PERSON #1: DON’T GO INTO THE FOG!
RANDOM PERSON #2: AAAARGH, THE FOG’S GOT ME
KEBAB MAN: FRESH KEBAB! GET YOUR FRESH KEBABS HERE.
From the fog came a strange but familiar tune being played on a Kazoo. It haunted Kratos.
KRATOS: I recognise that tune. It can’t be! Crazy Frog?
Unable to remember where he’d heard the tune before he began utilising fire from torches (which must have been very heavy as they caused Kratos to walk irritatingly slowly, despite the fact that he can lift huge stone and wooden structures with ease) to shield himself from the darkness, and carried on toward the hole in the world from which sunlight was now emanating.
As he moved closer and closer, Helios’ temple appeared from the fog. Whilst Kratos paused to marvel at the grandiose building, a statue behind him began to glow before speaking.
KRATOS: Oh… fuck.
He turned to face the statue.
KRATOS: Athena! What a nice surprise.
ATHENA: Kratos, you need to help us.
KRATOS: THAT’S ALL I EVER FUCKING DO!
The inflection and tone of Kratos’ voice illustrated that he was beginning to get mildly irritated by the Gods.
KRATOS: You know, for a bunch of omnipotent super beings with magical powers you really are the most useless bunch of cu…
ATHENA: We don’t have time, Kratos. Helios and his Sun Chariot have been ripped from the sky and the God of Dreams, Morpheus, has caused the Gods to slumber.
KRATOS: They’re asleep?!
ATHENA: No, it’s not like that.
KRATOS: What, the sun goes down and they think it’s time for a kip? I’m going to be honest, Athena, I’ve just passed ‘Drunk Mel Gibson’ and am fast approaching ‘Christian Bale’.
ATHENA: I’ll rid you of your torment.
KRATOS: You bitch.
ATHENA: The temple on which you stand is the actual chariot of Helios. You need to relight his steeds and bring back the sun.
KRATOS: Okay, but I swear, if you don’t rid me of this torment I will come back with Pandora’s box, defeat Ares, become the new God of War, defy Zeus, lose all my powers, regain all my powers, kill you accidentally as I swing for Zeus, then I will ally myself with the Titans as we launch a full-on assault and bring you fuckers down once and for all.
ATHENA: Hahaha, like that would ever happen.