SPOILER ALERT: Abridged Too Far features heavy spoilers. Please do not read if you do not wish to know the story at this point in time. This also features a few swears, sexual content and I can’t guarantee that there aren’t any flashing images.
GOD OF WAR III
There was once a man named Kratos. We’ve met him twice before (here and here) so he needs no introduction. Having been tasked by the Gods to kill Ares, betrayed by Athena, promoted to God of War by Athena, betrayed by Zeus, aided by the Titans, killed Athena, washed his loin cloth and teamed with the Titans to destroy Zeus and Olympus, Kratos was ready to go.
One day Kratos was straddling Titan Gaia’s shoulder as she and her Titan family scaled the great Mount Olympus. At the top of the mountain looking down were Zeus and his family of Gods. The two groups were heading for war and it wasn’t going to be pretty…not least of all because the Titans were uglier than a Spice Girls reunion with the exception of Baby Titan.
ZEUS: Looks like this is really going to happen. I’ll have to phone and cancel the God’s Go-Karting party.
Kratos was now filled with so much vengeance and anger that even he wasn’t able to see that this had gotten seriously out of hand.
KRATOS: Grrrrr. Snarl. Grrrrr.
Hades, Hermes, Helios and Poseidon all jumped from their vantage point and plummeted back down to earth. Zeus, as usual, stayed behind to survey the situation and…basically he’s a coward.
Poseidon shot through the air at unbelievable speeds and as he made his descent he pierced the chest of a Titan and the pair hurtled toward the sea below. A whirlpool formed and from its center shot a tentacle of some kind. At the end of the tentacle was a weird horse/crab hybrid made of water and rock. Don’t ask.
It grabbed Gaia by the foot and she could no longer climb.
GAIA: Kratos! Something has me.
KRATOS: I know! It’s a weird horse/crab hybrid. It looks so cool.
GAIA: Save me Kratos.
KRATOS: I have to do everything around here.
Kratos ran along Gaia’s back and down her arm where he was confronted by the neighing crustacean.
KRATOS: You’re a horse and a crab; I get it, but why not choose something really scary like a Great White mixed with a Giant Octopus? Or an Angler Fish mixed with a shrimp? I hate shrimp.
Kratos introduced the watery equine crabby thingymajig to his Blades of Athena. He hacked and chopped at the horse until Poseidon himself appeared, to join in the fight. Actually it wasn’t Poseidon himself – it was a giant watery version of him. As he lifted his trident Gaia swung in with a haymaker and clocked Poseidon right upside the head. Kratos flew from Gaia’s hand into watery Poseidon, grabbed the real Poseidon and threw him into the mountain where they landed on a very convenient plateau.
POSEIDON: Spare me and I will come to your home and create a spectacular water feature for you free of charge.
KRATOS: Fountain or Pond…I mean…Die Poseidon.
Kratos grabbed the weakened God of the Sea and repeatedly rammed his head into the stone walls and, just to be sure, pushed his thumbs through his eye sockets. This appears quite tame, I know, but even Kratos wasn’t brutal enough to perform the barbaric Nipple Cripple. Poseidon’s corpse fell from Mount Olympus and his death caused the seas to rise and swallow the cities below.
KRATOS: That wasn’t my fault. That was Global Warming.
Kratos climbed back onto Gaia and they scaled Mount Olympus until they came across Zeus waiting patiently inside some buildings. How they got the materials and man power up that high to build anything is beyond me but who am I to argue with the building regulations of Ancient Greece?
ZEUS: Ah shit. You made it, then?
ZEUS: You petulant child. I will tolerate your insolence no more.
KRATOS: You said that in number 2 but I’m still here. Forgive me if I’m not trembling in my Nike Sandals.
Zeus raised his arm high into the air and clouds from the sky above swirled and formed giving Zeus a massive bolt of lightning. He wasted no time and threw the electrically-charged weather forecast at Kratos and Gaia. It sent the pair flying back down the mountain. Gaia struggled but managed to find a grip despite a partially severed hand. Kratos slid down her back and used the Blade of Olympus to dig in and stop his fall.
KRATOS: Gaia! Despite you having a very hairy back I can not hold on any longer.
GAIA: Sorry, love, but that’s your problem. I was only using you as a tool for vengeance.
KRATOS: What about the sexual favours?
GAIA: I had needs.
KRATOS: You bitch.
Kratos lost his grip and fell a long, long, long, long, long, long way. He mysteriously missed the ocean below and went straight to the Underworld, landing in the river Styx…again. Souls from the river attacked Kratos and sucked health and magic from him.
KRATOS: Does this really need to happen every single fucking time?
He would have been even angrier had the river Styx not looked so good.
Kratos pulled himself out of the water and found himself in Hades’ realm. He knew his way around the Underworld like the back of his hand.
All of a sudden Athena appeared.
KRATOS: I swear if you come near me I will stab you again.
ATHENA: What up, dawg? Chill. I’m here to help.
KRATOS: Help? You haven’t exactly been Mother Teresa in the past.
ATHENA: Bygones! Zeus needs to die or mankind will forever suffer. To prove I’m genuine I’ll give you some new weapons called the Blades of Exile. They’re exactly the same as your current blades with the exception of the name and a new swirly design on the metal. You must find the Flame of Olympus.
Kratos took the Blades of Exile and made his way through Hades. Along the way he came across a solid bronze statue of a child with her hands open in front of her. A blue flame rested in her palms and within that was a vision of a small girl.
PANDORA: Kratos! Over here!
PANDORA: Calliope? Seriously? That’s child abuse. No, it’s me, Pandora. Help me.
KRATOS: Go away.
Kratos ignored Pandora and continued his way through Hades.
His journey was a familiar one – kill, run, kill, jump badly, kill, run, run, run, kill, run and kill kill kill. He eventually came across fallen God, Hephaestus. He was locked away in Hades because he ate the last Rolo which really pissed off Zeus.
HEPHAESTUS: Ghost of Sparta. To what do I owe the honour of your presence?
KRATOS: I’m looking for the Flame of Olympus, have you seen it?
HEPHAESTUS: Oh, I get it, because I only have one eye, right?
KRATOS: Err…no that was a genuine question.
HEPHAESTUS: Oh. I can’t help. Besides, the flame is deadly to mortals and Gods alike.
Kratos gave up talking to him and continued his journey.
He eventually entered the Palace of Hades where a huge statue of the God of the Underworld stood. After a bit of faffing about with a cart full of bricks and a couple of cogs, Kratos smashed through the statue where he was confronted by Lord Hades.
Hades had a pair of hooks which could extract the souls of his foes but he was no match for Kratos. The Ghost of Sparta carved chunks off of Hades’ body before going slightly overboard and cracking Hades’ skull and performing a frontal lobotomy with the hooks that he had now stolen. With Hades dead, the souls that occupied the Underworld escaped. Kratos didn’t care.
He returned to Hephaestus to listen to some more whining about Zeus and blah blah blah. Kratos ignored him and came across a Hyperion gate. It’s like a Stargate only without the hieroglyphs. He passed through the gate and into the City of Olympia high up on Mount Olympus…which is handy.
He immediately came across a struggling Gaia, her partially severed hand only just managing to grip the mountain.
GAIA: Kratos! Why hello there. Look, I didn’t mean what I said.
KRATOS: You need a hand.
Kratos wasn’t listening to anyone’s crap anymore; he’d been betrayed far too much. He withdrew his blades and completely severed Gaia’s hand sending her plummeting down the mountain and out of view. Kratos whistled and walked away.
It wasn’t long before Kratos ran into another Olympian – Helios, God of the Sun. He was flying about on a chariot of fire although Kratos didn’t care much for his pathetic one-liners and threats of “meeting the sun”. There was only one way to quieten the Sun God and that was the obvious solution of ripping his head from his body with bare hands. The tearing of the flesh was disturbingly impressive. Helios’ death brought about the loss of the Sun from the skies and things turned rather gray and miserable.
KRATOS: Quit while you’re a head.
Kratos looked around but no one else was in the vicinity to hear his comeback. He felt disappointed but decided to use it again when people were listening.
He advanced through and up the mountain before finally reaching the Flame of Olympus. Inside the flame lay Pandora ’s Box. Athena appeared once again.
ATHENA: I know what you’re thinking and, yes, you did use this once already but the box is not empty. It still contains the power to kill a God.
KRATOS: Actually I was thinking that I could murder a double bacon cheeseburger with relish and a side helping of cheesy chips.
ATHENA: Oh…well…I think Greco’s Olympian Burgers closed down due to…you know, the lack of the Sun and the fact that you drowned the entire population of Greece.
KRATOS: That was Global Warming actually. So what do I do now?
ATHENA: Find Hephaestus’s daughter, Pandora, break the chain of balance and then you can get to the box.
KRATOS: Do I have to?
Athena disappeared. Kratos still had quite a way to go. Hermes, God of Annoying Little Shits, appeared and decided to annoy the living daylights out of everyone within earshot with his annoying English accent and annoying poems, annoying coin and annoying hair, annoying shoes and annoying insults. Kratos couldn’t wait to butcher him.
Kratos chased Hermes around Mount Olympus before finally hurtling himself through the air via a catapult and smashing Hermes through a building. Hermes attempted to fight back but running round in circles doesn’t qualify as a fight. Kratos couldn’t take it any longer and just stuck his foot out as Hermes ran past. He tripped and Kratos took full advantage of the error by chopping both his legs off.
Hermes’ death caused a plague to fill the land.
KRATOS: Wow, this Global Warming is getting really bad.
Kratos took the opportunity to steal Hermes’ Nike Air Olympia shoes which granted him the ability to walk up walls.
He was feeling pretty good about everything at this stage and after a quick game of Guitar Hero, God style, he encountered his next big enemy – Hercules…or ‘brother from another mother’ as he liked to call him.
Hercules may have been twice the size of Kratos with two giant lion heads for hands but when it boiled down to it everyone knew that he was just compensating for something.
The pair fought but Hercules was no match for Kratos (is anyone?). After kicking Hercules in the head and impaling him on rose bushes, Kratos stole his weapons and bludgeoned his brother to death. Not content, he continued to pound away and eventually turned Hercules’ face into nothing more than a bloody pulp. He continued to punch and ended up breaking his way through the floor, falling into the sewer.
He continued on his way. By this point the body count had reached epic proportions and now that he had three effective weapons nothing was really challenging him.
He met Pandora again but she had now been kidnapped by Zeus and Athena explained that Kratos would need to find The Labyrinth in order to complete his mission. Why they just can’t explain everything all at once is beyond me.
Kratos advanced, doing what he does best, before encountering Aphrodite. He felt kind of uncomfortable as she was having a whale of a time with two of her lady friends and Kratos was quite happy with just watching. But his presence was felt and Aphrodite pushed her lovers aside before encouraging Kratos to come closer.
APHRODITE: Look, I’m not going to beat around the bush. I’m desperate. Will you have sex with me?
KRATOS: I’m kinda busy actually.
APHRODITE: Oh…well…err…use that gate to return to my husband, Hephaestus, and he’ll help you fix the bridge which will lead you to the Labyrinth…if that’s where you’re going.
KRATOS: I’m only joking…
Kratos threw her back onto the bed but became distracted by stupid comments being made the two bints that stood on the sideline watching. This resulted in a rather embarrassing situation and he left through the gate pretty sharpish, returning to Hephaestus.
HEPHAESTUS: Why were you in my wife’s chambers?
KRATOS: She needed a real man. I need to get to the Labyrinth and she said that you can help.
HEPHAESTUS: Why do need the Labyrinth? I thought you wanted the flame?…Wait a minute! Pandora is in the Labyrinth.
KRATOS: You catch on fast. Look, don’t get all paternal on me, just tell me how to activate the bridge and I’ll kill Zeus. Bang! Job done.
HEPHAESTUS: Okay. Go into Tartarus and find me the Phleffalump Stone. I’ll make you a real good weapon.
KRATOS: For fuck’s sake…Okay.
Kratos trudged off down into the pit of Tartarus in order to find the Holyflumpy Stone. Not long after entering the rather dismal-looking place, Cronos appeared and grabbed Kratos.
CRONOS: You murdered Gaia.
KRATOS: That was Global Warming.
CRONOS: I don’t believe you.
KRATOS: Oh, get over it old man.
Cronos doesn’t like being called old and as a result he swallowed Kratos whole.
Internal organs are no match for Kratos! He burst from Cronos’ stomach, spilling the Titan’s intestines out onto the floor. He emerged from the gory mess holding the Olyphant Stone…I know, but it’s best to not think about how convenient everything is. Kratos loosened the chains that bound Pandora’s temple to Cronos’ back, sending a spike through Cronos’ chin.
CRONOS: Loin cloths are for girls.
KRATOS: What’s wrong with you people? Your intestines are on the floor, you have a spike through your chin and I’m sitting on your forehead wielding the Blade of Olympus, do you really think now’s the time for insults?
CRONOS: Err…I like your racing stripe…
It was too late. Kratos charged the Blade of Olympus through Cronos’ skull and the mighty Titan, Zeus’ Father, Kratos’ Grandfather, was slain.
Kratos returned to Hephaestus with the Glippidyglop Stone.
KRATOS: There you go.
Hephaestus waved the Lippypuffy Stone around and it turned into a Nemesis Whip. He handed the new weapon to Kratos before betraying the Ghost of Sparta and electrocuting him.
Kratos was sort of expecting this however and was able to withstand the shocks before turning his new weapon on Hephaestus. He returned the favour and electrocuted Hephaestus and then impaled him on a spike.
HEPHAESTUS: Let’s call it a draw…urghh
Hephaestus was dead.
The Nemesis Whip allowed Kratos to activate the bridge and before he knew it he was at The Labyrinth. He was a bit disappointed at the lack of David Bowie but he made up for this by singing to himself.
KRATOS: You remind me of the babe. What babe? The babe with the power. What power? The power of voodoo…
An old man named Daedalus, the creator of The Labyrinth, was chained to the maze and had been for years.
DAEDALUS: Where is my boy, Icarus? My boy! My child! My child! My boy! Where is my boy?
KRATOS: Shut up. I tore his wings from his back and sent him deep into Hades. Get over it.
Kratos activated The Labyrinth and lots of massive cubes joined together to form one gigantic Rubix Cube. He entered and after been thrown around in all directions and after being spiked approximately 20 times, Kratos finally reached the center of the maze where he met Pandora.
PANDORA: Kratos! You’re like a father to me.
KRATOS: Alright, calm down. You getting too familiar, too quick.
PANDORA: But I have hope, Kratos. Hope.
KRATOS: Hope is for little girls.
PANDORA: No. Hope is what makes everyone continue. Hope, Kratos. Hope!
Kratos and Pandora reached the top of The Labyrinth when Pandora explained that the Chain of Balance needs to be broken in order to raise the maze up to the flame of Olympus.
KRATOS: So I guess it’s me that’s going to have to do that?…Thought so.
Kratos jumped off The Labyrinth and flew down the chain to three judges. After facing off against a Cerberus and some Satyrs, which, by the way, are more annoying than Hermes on drugs, he finally destroyed the chain and flew all the way back up to meet Pandora.
The Labyrinth rose up the mountain and destroyed everything but the Flame of Olympus and Pandora was about to sacrifice herself into the fiery flame of super hot fireness when Zeus appeared.
ZEUS: Substituting this monster for your daughter is a massive fail, Kratos. Look around…all you have done is create chaos.
KRATOS: That was Global Warming. Anyway, I did warn you. In fact, I said it…In the end there will be only chaos.
Zeus and Kratos embarked on an epic fist fight, Street Fighter style, but Kratos managed to gain the upper hand and slammed Zeus into the wall, which crumbled down on top of him.
Pandora jumped into the Flame of Olympus and the flame dissipated. With Pandora’s Box now accessible, Kratos opened it only to find that it was empty.
KRATOS: You are an absolute bitch, Athena.
Zeus and Kratos continued their fight outdoors when, all of a sudden, Gaia appeared and grabbed the pair of them. For some bizarre reason she decided to place insider her chest. It’s not the ideal place to put the ruler of Olympus and his bastard son when they are hell bent on killing one another.
Father and Son continued their fight right next to the heart of Gaia and Zeus had some very sneaky tricks up his sleeve. He multiplied himself.
KRATOS: WAIT. I’m struggling with one of you, don’t you think it’s a tad unfair that I now have to fight 20 of you?
Kratos and Zeus battled long and hard but in the end Zeus was bested by the Ghost of Sparta. Kratos took the Blade of Olympus and plunged it through Zeus and Gaia’s heart. The mother of all Titans was dead.
Out on the rocky landscape of Mount Olympus Zeus laid dead but his soul was still up for a fight…and, yes, this does have more endings than Return of the King.
At that moment, Kratos entered his sub consciousness and went on a rather trippy sequence, which ultimately lead to him forgiving himself for all of his past actions. He returned to the real world where he beat the living crap out of Zeus until no more blood was left to squirt out of his body. Zeus was dead.
Still not finished.
Athena appeared and said that she wanted the weapon that Kratos took from the box. He explained that it was empty but she didn’t believe him. She went on to explain that she had placed Hope inside Pandora’s Box and that since it was opened all those years ago, fear and hate had consumed the Gods.
Kratos missed the rest of the explanation as he had dozed off for a little bit. Instead of giving hope back to Athena, Kratos took out the Blade of Olympus once more. He lifted it high into the air and stabbed himself, unleashing hope into the atmosphere for all of mankind…bless.
ATHENA: YOU TWAT! At least you didn’t kill me.
KRATOS: I was aiming for you. I slipped.
Kratos hit the floor with very little breath left in his body. The pain had caused Kratos to see lots of names appear in his mind, scrolling through like they had something to do with his journey. When it finally stopped, Kratos was no longer where he fell and a trail of blood lead to the edge of the cliff.