Abridged Too Far – One

In this awesome Guest Writer feature TSA member Gastos84 relives an old classic video game in an abridged form. We love this stuff and we sincerely hope there will be more to come. We’ve even made a little graphic which we’ll probably change in the future. It should go without saying but this heavily features spoilers. So don’t read it if you’re about to go and experience this game for the first time.

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GOD OF WAR

There was once a man named Kratos. He was Captain of the Spartan Army. In fact he was one of the greatest Captains of all time. He was much better than Captain Kirk, slightly better than Captain Caveman but not quite as good as Captain Planet. Anyhoo! There came a time when Kratos met his match in battle in the shape of a big Barbarian man with an even bigger hammer. Kratos was near to death when at the last second he bottled it and shouted for help from the big, fiery God man known as Ares – The current God of War. In recent polls Ares was found to be the favourite of all the God’s of War due to his unorthodox, yet successful policies. He was also voted 5th Sexiest man in Heat magazine.

So Kratos begged for his life. It went something like this:

KRATOS: ARES! Save me from this Brian Blessed look-a-like with a massive Hammer of Death and in return I will come and work for you.

ARES: Erm… Oh alright then.

So Ares saved Kratos’ life and now Kratos was his bitch. He killed a lot of people on behalf of Ares, although not as many as Harold Shipman. Ares thought at this point it would be funny to trick Kratos into killing his own family. It turns out Ares isn’t as funny as he thought. Needless to say, this pissed Kratos off slightly and he quit his job as Ares’ bitch. Mind you he had been wanting to quit for a while now as the dental plan was less than adequate.

Having just killed his own wife and child, some village weirdo appeared from nowhere and decided to lighten the mood by covering Kratos in the ashes of his family. Bless! It’s the thought that counts. This tipped Kratos over the edge and he vowed revenge. Soon after, Athena, who is Ares’ sister, saw the opportunity to use Kratos as her bitch. What a family eh!

ATHENA: Kratos! I hear you are out of a job. Fancy working for me?

KRATOS: What is your dental plan like?.. Ah sod it. Yeah I’ll work for you. What do you need?

ATHENA: Well, my brother, you know the big ginger bloke in charge of war? He is starting to get a bit bossy and he’s wanting to destroy my city. I want you to stop him.

KRATOS: Do it yourself woman!

ATHENA: I would but Zeus has put on his big-boy voice and said God’s can’t kill God’s blah blah blah.

KRATOS: Ah. Well rules are rules. Okay I’ll do it. But you have to promise that afterwards you rid me from this constant torment I am in. A constant torment that I will remind you of at every opportunity.

ATHENA: I promise.

Unbeknownst to Kratos, Athena’s fingers were crossed behind her back. She was crafty like that.

KRATOS: One more thing. Although I am pretty awesome, there is no way that I can defeat a God.

Athena then went on to explain that the only way for a mortal to defeat a God was to recover Pandora’s Box. Unfortunately for Kratos this wasn’t as kinky as it sounded. She also said that the box couldn’t fall into Ares’ hands because…..well you know…untold doom, pain, misery and all that jazz. Plus he was planning to use it to overthrow Zeus. Personally I think any man that throws lightning bolts around for a laugh shouldn’t be in charge of a Zippo let alone anything else.

Anyway, Kratos trotted off on his mission to find Pandora’s Box. Along the way he fought roughly 51,876,917 underworld demons including Minotaur’s, Hydra’s and even Medusa. It’s best not to dwell on these as once you have seen one fight you have seen them all. Also, during his fights, large symbols would appear and if he didn’t identify them in time he would lose his rhythm and have to start all over again. Now who wants to hear about that?

So, after what seemed like hours of running around, fighting, running around, fighting and some more running around, Kratos finally found Pandora’s Box. Of all places it was locked away on the back a huge bloke (we’re talking Rick Waller size) known as Cronos. Cronos was crawling around the desert with a temple on his back because he was naughty and Zeus had ordered it as his punishment. Apparently the naughty step just isn’t enough these days.

But, sod’s law, Ares appears and kills Kratos. His little flying monkey things (he’s a big fan of Wizard of Oz) take the box and fly away. Add all this to the fact that Kratos is now heading to The Underworld and you could say that things weren’t going swimmingly for our pasty protagonist.
But Kratos is a firm believer in 2 Weetabix every morning and this certainly contributed to him being able to fight his way back out of hell. Come on my son!!

Bosh! Kratos is back in the game and he eventually meets Ares once more.

ARES: You quit mate. You can’t have your job back.

KRATOS: I have come to kill you.

ARES: You can’t, I’m 1975ft taller than you.

At that exact moment in time Pandora’s Box falls over (It is a scientific fact that Pandora’s Box has a high centre of gravity and therefore susceptible to falling over). The contents of the box spill out and Kratos becomes 1976 ft tall (He always likes to go one better).

KRATOS: Ha ha. You weren’t counting on that were you? Now let’s fight BEEATCH.

ARES: Fair cop! Alright, how do you want to do this?

KRATOS: Let’s flip a coin. Heads we fight normally and Tails we have a sumo match.

The coin was tossed and everyone was disappointed when it landed Heads up. Ares was particularly upset as he had already prepared his nappy and bowl of salt. Still, you can’t go back on a coin toss. Even Zeus knows that. So they began an epic battle. More epic than that of Barbie vs Sindy in the 60’s. Kratos gives it a good crack but Ares, being the sore loser that he is, decided to mess with Kratos by making him fight 100,000,002 of his clones. This was easy for Kratos though and in no way did it take him hours to overcome and nor did he need about 70 attempts to do so.

Then, because Kratos was having such a good time, Ares killed Kratos’ family all over again and took away all of his weapons and magic.

Now with no power or strength, what was Kratos to do? Luckily, Joe the Sculptor from down the road had put the finishing touches to his masterpiece that very morning. His masterpiece was called: ‘Very Conveniently Placed Massive Sword’. Well this was a no brainer and Kratos took the sword quicker than Heather Mills took Paul McCartney’s money. He spun around and stabbed Ares right through the chest. Job Done.

KRATOS: There you go Athena. Now release me from my constant torment that has been constantly tormenting me.

ATHENA: Erm…No! Sorry but you were quite naughty beforehand. Plus I had my fingers crossed!

So, in true female fashion, Athena went back on her word and left Kratos feeling totally mugged off. In a totally unforeseen change of personality, Kratos turned Emo and after an hour of listening to My Chemical Romance, threw himself of a cliff. Peace at last? No! Why? Yep, you guessed it. Athena. The woman just couldn’t let him be. She picked him out of the sea that he had just hurled himself into and placed him on Mount Olympus.

ATHENA: You need to be careful around those cliffs. You could have died! Oh by the way, do you fancy becoming our new God of War?

KRATOS: Erm…Oh alright then

THE END

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