By now hopefully you know the format. In his role as guest writer TSA member Gastos84 sends us his brilliant adaptations of well-loved games (including spoilers for those who haven’t experienced the games) and we put them up here for the world to marvel at. So I’ll shut up and let you marvel. Try not to spit tea on the keyboard.
There was once a man named Kratos…….Oh we’ve done that bit. Where were we? Erm…..Ares’ Bitch…Revenge…Pandora’s Box…Death…Sumo…Death…Ah here we are. Kratos – The new God of War.
So Kratos now sat looking down upon his minions from the heavens. He was soooooooo bored. Also, he was pretty sure that all the other Gods were slagging him off behind his back and he couldn’t understand why. He had never stolen anything from the stationary cupboard and was always polite and courteous, especially to the hot receptionist who sat at the Mount Olympus front desk. What Kratos didn’t know, was that his actions as God of War were being frowned upon.
See, Kratos still couldn’t shake the torment that he went on about so much in the first part of this tale. The only solace he found was in trying to conquer Greece via his Spartan Army. This is what was making him so unpopular around the water cooler.
One day Kratos decided he could take no more. He had counted all of the tiles in the throne room. He had re-pointed the brick wall that contained his award winning Rose collection. He had even built a full-scale replica of Megan Fox out of match-sticks. There was only one thing that would save him from eternal boredom. He needed to rip an arm from its socket and return it to its owner via an orifice that wouldn’t normally see the light of day.
His mind made up, Kratos decided to join his army on Terra Firma. Before he left, Athena pleaded with him to stay.
ATHENA: Kratos don’t do it. Your name will be put on our blacklist along side Jamie Oliver and Sharon Osbourne otherwise.
KRATOS: I don’t care. I am still so terribly tormented by my actions and now I am one step away from seeing what my belly-button fluff tastes like on toast, just to feel alive again.
ATHENA: We’ve lost three employees this month due to belly-button fluff. It’s not good. Plus you owe me. I made you a God and I can take that back with a snap of my fingers
KRATOS: Go on then. See if I care
ATHENA: Don’t push me. I’ll do it!
KRATOS: No you won’t. Not least of all because your fingers are too chubby to click together.
ATHENA: How dare you. I retain water!
KRATOS: Yeah, so does the Panama Canal but that doesn’t break everything it touches.
Kratos was meaner then ever and he descended to Rhodes. He wasted no time and swiftly began chopping limbs, disembowelling people, severing heads and extracting in-grown toenails.
But then he spotted a large Eagle. Immediately Kratos assumed it was Athena in another form. His first thought was that it would have been more appropriate for her to take on the form of a Thrush! His second thought was: ‘Bring it, Bitch’! He watched as the Eagle soared high above the ground and came to rest on the shoulder of a giant statue of a man called ‘The Colossus of Rhodes’. This statue bore and uncanny resemblance to The Jolly Green Giant and Kratos remembered that when he met him, it wasn’t such a ‘Ho Ho Ho’ experience.
The Eagle sunk it’s talons into the statue and brought it to life with Voodoo. The statue was awake and boy was he pissed! He began kicking and screaming like a 3 year old whose lollipop had just been stolen from him. Buildings went flying, people were squished and flower beds were crumpled. Then, The Colossus Of Rhodes (who, for ease, will now be called Dave) spotted Kratos and Kratos had spotted Dave. Kratos began a violent outburst but to no avail, so he insulted Dave’s mum and, needless to say, he was stunned. Whilst stunned, Kratos took the opportunity to hurl himself at Dave using the city’s catapult. If you are currently living in a city without a catapult, it is advised you write to your local council and ask for one to be installed. If they ask ‘Why?’ use this event as your reasoning.
Kratos cut, slashed and generally vandalised the statue but this was not having any real effect. He needed another way. It was at this point that Zeus’ voice bellowed from……wherever Zeus was!
ZEUS: Kratos! You will need a Godly weapon to defeat Dave. Here, have this.
An object came flying from the sky and landed on the ground not too far from Kratos. He went over to have a look at it.
KRATOS: A banana? What the hell am I meant to do with a banana?
ZEUS: Oh I wondered where I put that. Sorry, my bad. I meant this.
Then a sword came flying down and stuck in the ground at Kratos’ feet; The Blade of Olympus. It was huge. Kratos couldn’t help but think that Zeus was compensating for something.
ZEUS: Grab the sword and drain all of your powers into it.
The crowds that had gathered to watch, in unison, slapped their foreheads. They couldn’t believe he had fallen for what must have been a trap. Steve The Bookmaker however was ecstatic. No one had betted against Kratos……
KRATOS: Sorry to interrupt but holding this sword gives me the urge to do something…BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL! Sorry, I have always wanted to do that. Carry on.
Kratos’ strength and magic were now contained in the sword and he proceeded to give Dave the beating of his life, culminating in him bursting out from within the statue. In the ensuing explosion (statues are renowned for exploding) The Blade of Olympus flies off into the distance and as Kratos lands, Dave’s dead hand came crushing down atop of him. Kratos was virtually dead. He began crawling toward the sword that he craved more than Amy Winehouse craved crack (allegedly). But the Eagle that had brought Dave to life revealed its true identity; Zeus.
ZEUS:Surprise! I can’t believe you fell for that. I just managed to save the God’s and Olympus in one. Check me out. I couldn’t let you carry on. You were doing exactly the same as Ares and look how displeased we were with him.
KRATOS: You’re worse than Jeremy Beadle, you know that!
ZEUS: I’ll do you a deal. I’ll let you live if you promise to forever serve me. White Rabbit, padlocked and infinity’d so crossing fingers won’t work this time.
KRATOS:Damn it! In which case, I will never work for you.
The minute those words left Kratos’ mouth, Zeus thrust The Blade of Olympus straight through our hero’s chest. He’s died twice now. Maybe he doesn’t have the edge over Captain Caveman afterall! Anyway, before the demons of Hades took Kratos (again), he managed to make Zeus one more promise.
KRATOS: This is Fascism, and look how well that turned out for Hitler. I’ll kill you. I promise.
Kratos began the all too familiar trip to hell. But then the tour bus came to a halt and Kratos was brought before Gaia – The mother of all Titans. That’s not a phrase for how awesome she was; she literally was the mother of all titans.
GAIA: Look, Kratos, it is obvious that you need more help so I’m going to give you one more chance. The best way to kill Zeus is to go back in time and save myself and my children from his oppression which started at The Great War. I’ve no time to explain but let’s just say Zeus wasn’t happy that his daddy, my son, was eating his siblings. Now we of course didn’t want Cronos to eat his children but he was young and foolish so we let it happen. See Zeus is my grandson and I want him dead.
KRATOS: So let me get this straight. Zeus’s siblings were eaten their dad, Cronos? Zeus then became ruler of Olympus and banished you guys? You now want me to kill Zeus, your grandson?
GAIA: Err…Yeah that’s the gist.
KRATOS: And then Zeus had a few children, two of which are Athena and Ares. Athena then hires me to kill Ares because Ares wanted to kill Zeus…My head hurts. I thought the Krays were bad!
GAIA: You can’t judge until you’ve had kids. It’s not as easy you might think. Anyway, you need to go to the Island of Creation where you’ll find The Sisters of Fate. Only here will you find the method to go back in time. I’m going to return you to your life and I’ve left a present in order for you to get to the Island.
KRATOS: Are you on crystal meth?
GAIA: No, I just had a red bull that’s all. Now go. In the immortal words of Ian McKellan in the role of Gandalf: ‘Fly you fools’
So Kratos got his life back and he returned to the surface. Waiting there for him was Pegasus. Pegasus was like Black Beauty…only white…and with wings…but they both liked polo mints and went ‘neiggghhhh’. Kratos hopped on the magical horse and began his journey to the Island of Creation.
91 Hours later Kratos awoke, still riding Pegasus. They had missed their junction. Kratos knew he should have brought the Tom Tom. Just as Kratos wiped away his eye-snot, he noticed a demented looking fellow straddling a giant eagle flying beside him. He was about to ask the man for directions when, in a totally unprovoked attack, the demented looking man happy-slapped Kratos. Pegasus was immune to most things but Happy-Slapping was his one weakness. Kratos and his equine friend couldn’t stay in the air. They crash landed on an Island below.
Pegasus had managed to fly through a cave before getting crushed by a Titan called Typhon, who had converted the cave into a three bedroom home for himself. Kratos was not in the mood for this. This fight was going to be epic. Here was Typhon, a man 184 times the size of Kratos. He was going to use all kinds of strength and magic to kill Kratos, surely? Nope. Typhon’s weapon of choice? Blowing! (did you just snigger? I did!).
Well Kratos didn’t even have to try. He reached Pegasus only to find he wasn’t strong enough to free him. He was having the biggest strop by now and made his way out of the cave. Outside, Kratos met a former Titan called Prometheus. Prometheus was chained up and was being eaten alive by a giant carnivorous bird. This gave Kratos an insight in to what would be like being married to Jordan. Not good. Prometheus explained that Zeus was to blame and that he needed to be freed. The only way he could get down from his chains was for to Kratos to find a bow and arrow. He knew from his school days though that bow and arrows were commonly found in the eyes of Titans. How convenient! He went back to Typhon, who by now had a mental head-rush from all the blowing, and ripped the needed utensils from his eye. Then, just for luck, he used Typhon’s other eye as target practice. He went back outside and freed Prometheus. He unfortunately didn’t work out where Prometheus would land and he swiftly fell into a bonfire. Kratos would have felt guilty but upon burning to death, Prometheus bestowed Rage of The Titans upon Kratos. This was turning out to be his lucky day. He now felt strong enough to free Pegasus. The side effect was that he had a burning sensation all over. It wasn’t as bad as the burning sensation he was left with after meeting Athena for the first time though.
Kratos went back inside (again) and freed Pegasus. The two flew off into the horizon and this time, they closely followed the signposts to The Island of Creation.
Note from the Editor: Gastos84 has put loads of work into this and I think it’s brilliant but let’s be honest: he bangs on a bit. Consequently I’ve had to cut this episode into two parts. If you want the second part you’ll have to come back to TSA at 12:00 and enjoy it then. Go on, you know it’s worth it…