Abridged Too Far – God of War: Chains of Olympus

Kratos turned and began the next stage of his journey. He encountered Banshees, Satyrs and Legionnaires, but Kratos was pissed and these merely became the perfect outlets for his rage. He acquired the Sun Shield, which acted as a key and a defence mechanism. Not as effective a defence mechanism as “so’s your face” but it would do.

It wasn’t long before Kratos had relit the first of the three Steeds of Helios. Advancing through the temple, he soon discovered a strange portal and walked through. Walking out the other side, Kratos found himself in the caves of Olympus. He did some swimming, which is always a little annoying so we’ll skip over that, fought some more bad guys and peed in the water. But then he bumped into Eos, sister of Helios.

EOS: Ghost of…

KRATOS: Get on with it, Eos, I’m not in the mood.

EOS: Oh, er, okay then. Atlas has kidnapped my brother. Find the Primordial Fires to help you awaken the two remaining steeds.

KRATOS: K. Bye.

He left in a hurry, fighting roughly 47 more enemies before allocating the Primordial Fires. This was a handy little gift from the Gods, as it helped Kratos repel incoming missiles and launch them back at people. It also allowed him to reflect the rays of the sun, much like his own head.

It was at this point that Kratos encountered a new foe in the form of a minotaur. Realising that the minotaur’s charge was a move to be reckoned with, the Ghost of Sparta employed a different tactic. Basically he slagged off the minotaur’s mum for being an actual bull shagger. As the creature wept, Kratos slaughtered it in the way that only Kratos can.

He went back through the portal to Helios’ temple and activated the two remaining steeds. The ground shook, the horses came to life and the chariot was lifted up into the sky with Kratos on board. It flew down into the hole in the earth and took Kratos straight to the Underworld.

KRATOS: Well, this place is a dump. I sure wouldn’t like to come back here ever again. I certainly wouldn’t like to come back here several times during the course of my life story. No, that’s not going to happen.

Things soon got out of hand in Hades, for in the Underworld lived monsters such as Cyclopes. These huge, ugly things were a pain for Kratos due to their arm span and sheer strength, but Kratos had a few tricks up his sleeve.

If he wasn’t taking advantage of their rubbish depth perception then he was using the classic ‘tap on the shoulder, point to the other Cyclops and blame it on them’ technique and just watching them duke it out to the death. Once again Kratos heard the haunting melody, this time played beautifully on a hollowed out avocado.

KRATOS: I’ve got it! It’s 99 Problems by Jay-Z! No, wait… it’s not that.

He shrugged it off and soon found himself on the edge of the River Styx. There was a huge bell with a sign underneath saying “Do NOT ring for assistance”. This was too much for Kratos to bear, as he hated authority and would do anything to defy it. So he rang the bell. Down the River Styx came a large boat, captained by Charon (it’s like Karen but spelled differently).

CHARON: Look, Kratos, I know you’re violent and strong but I’m going to cut to the chase. You won’t defeat me this time and I’ll just end up throwing you into Tartarus either way so how about you just jump?

KRATOS: NEVER!

Kratos charged but sure enough Charon stuck out a leg, tripped our Spartan warrior and Kratos plummeted down into Tartarus.

In Tartarus, things looked bleak. There were more monsters than he could possibly count and far too many levers, circular platforms and twisting things for his liking. But it was worth it in the end as within the pits he found the Gauntlet of Zeus. This extremely powerful glove weapon rendered the Blades of Chaos pretty much redundant and made the most satisfying thumping noise upon contact with his enemies. It was massive, however, and did make him look a little like Jeremy Beadle.

Kratos climbed his way out of Tartarus and back to Hades where he once again encountered Charon. This time there would be no mistakes. Charon’s emaciated body was ruthlessly eviscerated before his skull was crushed. Kratos danced a little victory dance, which looks a lot like the Running Man but with a little extra jazz hands thrown in for good measure.

The boat travelled up the river to the Temple of Persephone (it’s like Stephanie but spelled differently). As he enters he hears the strange tune once again, this time played quite poorly by a small girl with a flute.

KRATOS: Oh! That’s that tune. Calliope is that you?

It was Kratos’ daughter. The very one that he murdered all those years ago. She ran away, laughing annoyingly and Kratos quickly followed.

The next part of this story includes more locked rooms, staircases, various monsters and annoying gorgon traps than even I can find humour in.

After what seemed like another decade of servitude, Kratos eventually emerged from the temple, but Calliope was no where to be found. There was, however, a familiar figure sat by a tree. It was Hades’ wife, Persephone.

KRATOS: WHERE IS MY DAUGHTER?!

PERSEPHONE: Is this really what you want, Kratos? Right now Atlas is using the power of the sun to destory the pillar that holds the world. When it falls you will have doomed mankind.

KRATOS: I don’t know if you know me that well, but I couldn’t care less about mankind.

PERSEPHONE: But the world will fall and you’ll lose Calliope forever.

KRATOS: You and your family are completely fucked up.

PERSEPHONE: I too was tricked by the Gods. You aren’t the only one suffering.

KRATOS: Yeah, it’s a bit different, love, considering you got yourself into this mess by eating a pomegranate. You weren’t content with regular fruit like regular people.

PERSEPHONE: Fine. Destroy this tree and you’ll be with your daughter.

Kratos did exactly that, except in destroying the tree he lost all his strength, weapons and power. But at last he was reunited with his baby girl.

KRATOS: I am totes emosh right now.

CALLIOPE: Daddy, don’t leave me again. I’ve learnt a new song for you.

She produced a recorder and began playing.

KRATOS: NOOOO! Make it stop! Aargh, sod this.

Kratos chose to save the world instead and pushed away his daughter. With his foot. He regained his powers and he and Persephone began an epic fight to the death. She sprouted wings and came at Kratos with several moves but he was able to counter thanks to the Sun Shield.

He got in a few digs before she started kicking lumps of rock at Kratos. The first few hit him square in the face but he soon learnt the signs and was able to hack away at her whilst she was busy stomping and kicking.

Then, from out of the distance, came one of Atlas’ fat hands, clenched ready to strike. Kratos ducked and swung from the huge limb before chaining it to the bottom of the world. He chained Atlas in place meaning that he would now forever carry the world on his back.

ATLAS: Man, this is heavy.

Kratos returned to finish off Persephone by burning her alive with the power of the sun. He recovered the chariot of Helios and flew it up and out into the world, bringing the sun back to mankind. After days of fighting, running, climbing, jumping, dancing and no eating or drinking, Kratos’ blood sugar level dropped dangerously low and he passed out, falling from the chariot.

He plummeted down. The ground was appearing fast. When he was a couple of inches away (which is about |——| that much if Athena asks) from certain death his body came to an abrupt halt before gently being placed onto the floor. Athena and Helios appeared. They took the Sun Shield and the Gauntlet and left.

ATHENA: Good boy, Kratos. Good boy.

THE END