Abridged Too Far – Fourteen

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PAC-MAN

There was once a…It’s no use, I have no idea what he is. His name was Pac-Man but there is no doubt; he was not a man. He doesn’t even resemble a man. He’s more akin to a luminous yellow pie with a slice missing.

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One day, Pac-man needed to go to the shop to buy some flowers for Ms. Pac-Man because he had forgotten their anniversary and was in big trouble. To cut down on his journey time, he decided to take a short-cut; A short-cut he had never taken before. Upon entering the thoroughfare, our man of Pac found himself locked in a trippy vertical maze. There was no way back. All of a sudden he heard some shouting.

GHOSTS: There he is. Let’s jib him!

Pac-Man looked around and saw 4 ghosts closing in on him. He didn’t know why, but he knew this wasn’t good. He immediately set off around the maze. He started to come across little white dots on the floor and for some unknown reason he decided to eat them as he went. They didn’t do anything but they tasted good.

He headed forward, keeping a close eye on his foe’s movements. He turned left and then left again before heading down toward the bottom of the maze. A blue ghost, who liked to call himself ‘Inky’, appeared to his right and Pac-man shat himself. He quickly evaded Inky but he was hot on Pac-Man’s heels. That’s metaphorical of course; Pac-Man didn’t have heels. Pac-Man took the next right and Inky followed. Blinky, a red ghost, appeared ahead of him. Shit! What was he to do now? He stayed in one place by constantly looking back and fourth. There was no where for him to go. Blinky and Inky closed in.

BLINKY: Nowhere to run fool. What you gonna do?

PAC-MAN: Could we settle this with cash?

INKY: We have no need for money.

PAC-MAN: How about you let me go and I’ll give you the address of my Mrs?

BLINKY: I’m going to touch you now.

PAC-MAN: Oh god! It’s like school all over again!

Inky lunged in first and Pac-Man found himself at the entrance of the maze again. Was it a dream? A pink ghost, cunningly called ‘Pinky’ was heading straight for him. Right about now, Pac-Man was more confused than Lindsay Lohan. He didn’t want to be attacked again however so he headed off. This time, he noticed that all of the other ghosts were occupying the bottom-left corner of the maze, so he did what any sane person would do and headed to the top-right. He noticed a larger white dot on the floor and he ate it. The effects of this larger meal were immense. He felt his blood boil and his yellow muscles bulged.

PAC-MAN: RAAAAAGE!

BLINKY: Shit! He found it.

PINKY: Run away!

In a twist of fate, Pac-Man now chased the fleeing ghosts. He caught Pinky and ate him. He caught Blinky and ate him too. Then he munched down Inky. All that remained were 3 pairs of eyes staring back at him.

PAC-MAN: You eye-balling me?

An orange ghost had managed to escape and then the effects of Pac-Man’s substantial snack had worn off. He carried on around the maze looking for more of these. The three ghosts that had just been consumed did reappear however.

PAC-MAN: Bollocks.

The chase was on and once again, our yellow pie-chart found himself cornered.

BLINKY: Bet you thought you were clever?

PAC-MAN: Look guys, c’mon, surely we can come to some arrangement? I was just trying to get to the shops. See I forgot my anniversary…

PINKY: Tell it to someone who cares, jaundice-boy.

PAC-MAN: There’s no need for name calling. Look, lads…what are your names anyway?

BLINKY: I’m Blinky.

PINKY: I’m Pinky.

INKY: I’m Inky

PAC-MAN: (Pointing to an orange ghost) And you?

ORANGE GHOST: I’m Clyde.

PAC-MAN: Of course! Where’s La-La?

Pac-Man laughed at his joke. The ghosts didn’t. They slowly edged forward and ended up on top of Pac-Man.

PAC-MAN: Hahaha stop it, it tickles. Hahah…Ow, don’t bite…

They ignored him and once again Pac-Man found himself back at the beginning. All of a sudden, a Crunchie appeared in the middle of the maze. He knew he had bigger fish to fry but…it was a Crunchie. He was going for it! 2 ghosts rushed him from above and 2 from below, which reminded him of his Navy days. He legged it. He dodged the first 2 ghosts that converged in the middle and narrowly escaped the second 2, but now he had a Crunchie. He was happy. He carried on running but all four enemies were right behind him. He stumbled across a large dot again and after swallowing his mouthful of chocolate honeycomb goodness, gulped it down too. He turned and faced his ethereal pursuers.

BLINKY: Shit! Turn around. Run.

They turned except for Inky who was on the end.

PINKY: Turn Inky, TURN!

INKY: What? What’s happening?

CLYDE: It’s Packers, he’s gone mental again.

INKY: Shit!

But it was too late. The confusion meant that Pac-Man had caught them up. They trembled with fear.

INKY: Perhaps we could talk about that arrangement now?

Pac-Man shook his head and gritted his teeth before opening his jaw and taking all four in his mouth at once…ahem.

PAC-MAN: Take that you…you…ghosts!

Pac-Man was not very good at insults or comebacks. It’s a shame because at that particular point in time, a clever and witty pun would have gone down a storm.

As the Ghosts began to get their bodies back, Pac-Man only had two dots left to eat, which he consumed in no time. An exit appeared on the far-right and he immediately headed toward it. But he noticed the exit was being blocked by four distinctive colours. The bastards were going to ambush him and he had no power pellets left. As he neared the way out, he could hear their taunts.

CLYDE: What’s the matter? No more table?

INKY: Clyde, you are quoting Die Hard again. It doesn’t work in this situation.

CLYDE: Oh. Yippee Kay Yay…

BLINKY: Nope.

CLYDE: Oh. That’s the way to do it?

PINKY: That’s Punch & Judy!

CLYDE: You guys are no fun.

In the bickering, they had failed to notice that Pac-Man had disappeared around the corner and had drawn some muscles on himself with a black marker pen. He re-appeared.

PAC-MAN: Raaaaaaaaaar!

BLINKY: Has he gone mental again?

INKY: I didn’t think there were any of those dots left?

PAC-MAN: Raaar raaaar roar.

CLYDE: I’m not sure I want to risk it.

PINKY: Yeah, lets’ just let him pass.

They sheepishly sulked away and Pac-Man sniggered as he exited the maze.

He ran all the way home, forgetting to get the flowers.

MS. PAC-MAN: You forgot our anniversary, didn’t you?

PAC-MAN: I was just getting you a present and these four ghosts called Pinky, Blinky, Inky and Clyde attacked me.

MS. PAC-MAN: Oh how convenient. Well that’s the only ‘Pinky’ you’ll be getting tonight.

Pac-Man cried. He just couldn’t win.

THE END

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