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Opinion

Gaming's Eye Candy - The Flipside

Tuffcub's 'alternative' edition.

Breasts. Norks. Mammeries. Flumps. Bristols. Dumplings. Melons. Bosoms. Eartha Kitts. Dairy Pillows. Dalek Bumps. Breasticles. Games are obsessed with boobies – case point, the game that allows you to jiggle a characters lady bumps by waggling the sixaxis. 71% of UK females play games and over a third of the time played on consoles per week is logged by females.

General agreed statistics are that about one in ten men are gay so I make that *taps calculator* around 40% of UK gamers per week who have bugger all interest in the size of Lara Crofts latest silicon enhancements.

That’s a stupendous figure so why is the internet awash with pictures of semi naked pixel porn from Dead or Alive and Bayonetta but not a hint of man totty? Where are the pictures of Nathan Drake in extremely small blue Speedos emerging from the sea? Let us address the balance with some perving over the XY chromosomes of gaming.

Note to straight men: Reading and commenting on this attempt at satire will not make you gay.

Drake from Uncharted: Ruggedly handsome, athletic, witty and from what I can gather from Uncharted 2, sleeps around a lot. What’s not to like?

Mario from Nintendo: Earns his place in this list just because he has a nifty trick of enlarging his whole body to the size of a house and that means his mushrooms are the size of tree trunks.

Sev from Killzone 2: According to Wikipedia, Sev is only 25 but he looks much older to me. Wins his place in the list for not having a no.1 crop haircut like every other generic game character.

Zevran the Assassin from Dragon Age: Origins: Like many games characters he’s a muscle bound hunk and this one has flowing blonde hair. Those of you who you bought Dragon Age: Orgins may know this character, but what you may not know is that you can shag his brains out. Yes, full on, graphic, sweaty mansex in a game. Unfortunately Bioware have taken realism to an unwanted level and if Zevran falls in love with you, the sex stops. Bloody typical.

Dante from Devil May Cry: He may be a bit of a fop but he has excellent taste in clothes and is a bit of a ladies man.

Zangief from StreetFighter: Gaming’s only big gay bear. The term ‘Bear’ (and Cub *ahem*) is used in gay culture to represent the opposite of the usual stereotypical gay man – in other words they’re usual big, bearded, furry and a butch as opposed to blonde, skinny and wetter than Dale Winton in a thunderstorm. Designed by two young men, Zangief represents the Japanese “ideal” gay character purely because due to genetics, most Japanese gay men are small and lacking in body hair.

Under his character profile dislikes, Zangief lists “Projectiles and young, beautiful women” and is seen posing in front of a broken mirror with a picture of Vega taped to it and the word, “baka”, meaning fool or idiot (in Japanese), scrawled on it. Look more closely and you will also see that he has drawn a heart on the picture. Strangely, all references to Zangief liking a bit of bum fun have been completely removed from American editions of the Streetfighter series.

Eddie Riggs from Brutal Legend: The banter of Jack Black encased in the bulging muscles of a leather clad roadie. Good with his hands, the choice for those who like ‘a bit of rough’.

Ratchet from Ratchet & Clank: included for those who enjoy yiffing.

Chuck Lidell from UFC Undisputed : Combines cute face (When he’s smiling at least) with muscles plus he’s none too smart. Nice tattoos and the fact that he barely wears clothes most of the time makes Chuck perfect eye candy.

Old Snake from Metal Gear Solid 4: Buns of steel. That’s all that needs to be said.

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