It’s been a long time since there’s been a Zombie Thursday. The zombies have been busy buying presents and having buffets (usually at the same time), so they haven’t had time to invade anything. So on Christmas Eve, they decided to attack TSA, because they’re bastards. We’ve been recovering from the attack, but now we’re in decent order, I’m ready to tell to tale of how we survived.
Gamoc sat there. That’s about it. He has a habit of sitting because he’s a lazy bugger. He was also doing something unspeakable (watching One Tree Hill), so let’s not speak of it. Nofi, however, was jazzercising in his office whilst Raen was in his lab poking zombies with various implements (pencils, rulers and barge poles being the three we can mention that aren’t x-rated). These are just a few of the activities that were being undertaken in TSA Towers before the zombies attacked.
It was in the lab where the zombie outbreak started. TSA Staff newbie Kovacs hadn’t been briefed on Zombie Lab Etiquette, so he wandered into the room on Christmas Eve Eve carrying Raen’s coffee like he was walking into a kitchen. All horror stories start with the incorrect belief that a room is the kitchen. Maybe. So in walked Kovacs, placing Raen’s coffee on the table in front of him without a word. Kovacs had been bound to silence for almost feeding one of Michael’s huskies lamb on pork tuesday. Perhaps if Kovacs had paid close attention to the 17-page intruction booklet Michael had given to him on husky care this whole crisis might have been avoided. It just goes to show that you should always read the instructions.
So yes, Kovacs saw the crack in the glass of the zombie cage – uh, sorry zombie rights activists, I meant the zombie happy play time room – but, since he was not allowed to talk under pain of playing Avatar: The Game for 12 hours straight, he didn’t say anything (not even saving TSA Towers is worth playing Avatar). So Kovacs left under the piercing glare of 27.7 hungry zombies.
Later on Christmas Eve Eve, everyone was sleeping as the clock creeped towards midnight. Unfortunately, the clock hadn’t been turned back when it was supposed to, so it was 2 minutes to 1 in the morning when the zombies threw themselves against the glass that seperated them from their decomposing freedom. The glass gave like a prostitute in the January sales, zombies and shards of glass spilling into the lab. The horde surged towards the lab door, fully intending to break it down, but discovered that it wasn’t even closed. The zombies would have assumed that Raen had left the door open as he drunkenly stumbled up to the bed in his office, but they were zombies, so they didn’t. They were too busy trying to stop themselves from eating their own arms whilst they hunted for food.
Up on the top floor of TSA Towers, Nofi awoke and sat upright instantly. ‘Something is wrong’ he said and, untangling himself from his many bitches, climbed out of his pink and florally decorated water bed. Moving towards the ammunition cupboard in the corner of his room (years of playing games made Nofi so paranoid he insisted on a fully stocked cupboard of every weapon you could possibly imagine) and pulled out an auto-shotgun, a revolver, two grenades and a corkscrew. In his My Little Pony pyjamas, he stormed towards the door of his office like the God he may well be related to.
Meanwhile, the zombie horde, joined by a zombie version of Raen who had actually fallen asleep outside his lab hugging a test tube, waited for the elevator. It arrived, they stormed in, then waited as zombieRaen pushed the button for the top floor, where the rest of the staff sleeps. Muzak accompanied the zombies’ patience.
On the top floor, Nofi had awoken Gamoc from his drunked stupor, who had immediately mistaken Nofi for Santa Clause and sat on his knee. After dislodging Gamoc, Nofi told him to put his pants back on and explained that TSA Towers had been compromised by zombies. Gamoc put on his long leather jacket, grabbed a sword and a shotgun, and then slipped. Then he stood up and followed Nofi and Michael, who had been keeping a lookout outside. Together, the three strode down the hallway towards the elevator in slow motion. Granted, they should have been hurrying, but sometimes you just have to look badass, and everything looks badass in slomo.
Unfortunately, the zombies had already ravaged the rest of the floor. Kovacs, who had got stuck with guard duty, had stood no chance against the zombie horde and was immediately overwhelmed and zombified. After that, the horde split up in search of living food, a few heading into each seperate room, none of which had doors due to cc_star not getting around to fitting them yet. So all of TSA’s writers were fighting their own private little battles in the confines of their own rooms. Many of them were doing well, since the doors made a great bottle neck. Zuler, however, had requested a double-doored room as close to the lift as possible so it was as easy as possible for him to charge out when he had a lead for a new trophy list, so he didn’t last long at all.
Nofi, Michael and Gamoc worked their way through the staffs’ rooms, saving anyone who was still non-zombied. Gastos84 was fighting zombies off with a toothbrush (he is trained in Ena Mel, an ancient form of martial arts devised by dentists that uses a toothbrush as the primary weapon) and was rescued by Gamoc and his purple-y green sword of swift vengeance +1, whilst DJHSecondNature was so asleep the zombies didn’t even realise he was there. Michael used his Shotgun of Brain Removal to take out the zombies, then did the dance that is the only thing that can wake DJH from slumber before morning; the Macarena. After Michael’s third Macarotation, DJH woke up with a start. After a quick explanation from Michael, DJH rushed out of his door with nothing but his bare hands and some pants.
Punching his way down the corridor, DJH rescued both BioEye and Tuffcub all alone whilst the other saved TStAffers (that’s TSA and staffers put together) watched in disbelief and mild hunger. Eventually, they recovered and went to join him, but nobody else had survived, not even Watchful who, ironically, hadn’t been too watchful that night.
The remaining survivors, Nofi, Michael, Gamoc, DJHSecondNature, BioEye, Gastos84 and Tuffcub holed themselves up in Nofi’s office. After a tiny amount of jazzercise, not nearly his usual daily amount, Nofi outlined the plan.
‘We will hole up in here and hope to God somebody saves us. Possibly a fat guy with a sleigh and a sackful of something for us.’
Nobody was listening though. Gamoc was eating chicken whilst Davs cried in a corner over a picture of Raen. Gastos84 was hanging from the ceiling, apparently just for the hell of it, and Michael was using one of Nofi’s laptops for work. Not even a Zombipocalypse can keep Michael from his work. Tuffcub was doing whatever it is that Tuffcub does in a corner (it’s best not to imagine what that could be).
Then the zombies came. First, there was a banging at the door, which Gamoc thought was the pizza he’d ordered and mistakenly opening the door, letting the tide of zombies in to rip zombify him, They were fasties, and as such quickly took over the majority of the room rather quickly. Gastos84 fell from the ceiling in shock, right into the middle of the horde, where he may have thought they would not find him due to it being the last place anyone would hide. Turns out he was wrong. All but Gastos84 were quickly taken out, but his Ena Mel helped him out of the mass of zombies he had fallen into and kept him alive for a bit longer up against a window.
Suddenly, the wall disappeared and Gastos fell onto a great sleigh. Santa shot a rocket into the room, which destroyed all of the zombies but, due to the miracle of frickin’ Christmas, didn’t at all damage anything else. Weird. Santa looked down into the teary eyes of Gastos84 and said ‘here is my gift to TSA’. The fat man’s eyes glowed blue, which was weird considering that they were green, and all of the TStAffers glowed green, which was weird because they were covered in red blood. They stood up, completely alive and not continuity-breaking in the slightest.
‘For providing people with gaming news and really strange humour, I give you back your lives on one condition: One of you must give me a mince pie.’
Everyone froze. None of them had a mince pie. Everyone in the room looked at Santa, who has apparently brought them back to life just to kill them again, until Kovacs skidded into the room. He was wearing a blazer. He walked up to the sleigh and, looking up at Father Christmas himself, pulled a mince pie out of his inside pocket. The pie glowed purple, which is weird because it was a pie. Santa took the pie, picked up and threw Gastos back into the room, then flew off into the snowy distance leaving nothing but the living TStAff and an echoing ‘hic hic hic’. He had hiccups. He’d been drinking.
All of TSA’s staff then joined hands in Nofi’s office and started singing frickin’ Christmas carols. Everyone except, that is, Nofi, who stood staring out of the building at the surrounding countryside, and said ‘that’s all well and good, but he’s still gone and stolen our fucking wall.’