Alternate Headlines: Driveclub At 60fps, Uncharted 9 & Numbers

A satirical dimension.

In an ideal world, all news would be about dogs. But nothing’s ideal, and we’re a gaming website, so in an ideal world for us, all gaming news would be awesome. The stories would make us gasp and say “I did not expect this to happen. This is news to me.” But this is not an ideal world, and more often than not, news consists of rumours, framerate updates and statements which will be back-pedalled within a matter of weeks.

Luckily, we’ve just discovered a trans-dimensional portal behind the sofa through which we can take a glance into other, more interesting worlds. Parallel worlds, where every bit of news is as exciting as the last. When we aren’t unleashing otherworldly beasts or ripping open the space-time continuum, we plan to return from these dimensions with news to share.

Without further ado, we present to you this week’s Alternate Headlines.

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Actual Headline: Sony Releases Driveclub Gameplay Captured In Full 1080p

Alternate Headline: Sony Releases Driveclub Gameplay Captured In Full 1080p At 60fps

While Driveclub may have had its ups and downs during development, today Sony have released a gameplay video which is captured in full 1080p and running at sixty frames per second. That’s double what they had previously announced, and even manages to match the framerate of the technical giant that is Mario Kart 8 in both single player and two player.

It’s impressive stuff, and shows that the eleven month delay was worth the wait. They’ve also teased that the game might release a few months earlier on PS+, and that the free edition will come with all of the game’s content except one car and half the tracks.

See, what’s going to happen is that the other car – the one you don’t get with the free edition – will always be in first place, and you’ll never be able to catch up with it, so you’re resigned to silver trophies at best. And those half tracks? They’re literally slicing them in half, and you’ll just fall off at the midpoint. It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.

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Actual Title: Naughty Dog Say Porting The Last Of Us To PS4 Was “Hell”, Two New Games In Production

Alternate Headline: Naughty Dog Say Porting The Last Of Us To PS4 Was “So Easy. Like, we didn’t have to do anything at all. It just worked.”, Twenty New Games In Production

Naughty Dog creative director Neil Druckmann has said that porting their PS3 hit, The Last of Us, to PlayStation 4 was “So easy” due to to the differences in the console hardware.

“There was just a button that was like ‘Turn On PS4 Mode’”, he said “ We expected it to be Hell, and it was so easy. Like, we didn’t have to do anything at all. It just worked. Getting an image on screen, even with the shadows, the lighting, with it never crashing… it took seconds.

“We already have at least another twenty brand new experiences in the pipeline.” continued Druckmann, “You wanted Uncharted 4? Get ready for 5 through 9 before 2015.”

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Actual Headline: May Madness Hits The PlayStation Store With A Great Big Sale

Alternate Headline: May Hits The PlayStation Store In A Fit Of Madness

May, previously known as a calm and collected month – the fifth of the year – has lashed out at the PlayStation Store in a fit of rage.

“You want a sale, do you?” shouted May at the PlayStation Store. “Well, you’ve had a February sale, a March sale and then Easter Deals; I can’t match them.”

“J-j-just put Mass Effect at £5.49 and Mass Effect 3 at £6.49” replied PlayStation Store, continuing with “those can be your deals, exclusive to you… and drop Madden NFL 25 to £45. Someone will buy that, surely.”

We’ve contacted both PlayStation Store and the month of May after the incident, though both refused to comment. Only time will tell (in about 12 months from now, probably) how this turbulent relationship will continue.

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Actual Headline:  Ubisoft Confirms Watch_Dogs Is 900p On PS4 & 792p On Xbox One, Both 30FPS

Alternate Headline: Looks Like Ubisoft Are Joining The 1080p Bandwagon

Jonathan Morin, the creative director of _Wa_tch_Do_g_s explained: “Resolution is a number, just like framerate is a number. A lot of things are numbers. Three, eight and twelve are numbers. Even fifty-seven is a number. All of these numbers are important, and all of them mean something. Though, some, like zero, mean nothing at all.”

He carried on to say “Because of these numbers, open world shooters are unbelievably easy to make. When there are multiple players, there is a higher potential for car crashes and extra characters to appear without warning. That’s why we have calculations, algorithms and mathematics. The effort and cost involved is surprisingly small, all thanks to numbers.”

When it came down to the consoles themselves, counting these numbers proved less easy a task. The PS4 was unable to remember what comes after 900 while playing _Wa_tch_Do_g_s and the Xbox One trailed off around 792.

Numbers are hard.

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Actual Headline: Microsoft Announce Kinect-less Xbox One Bundle

Alternate Headline: Microsoft Announce Kinect-less Xbox One Bundle

Well, this one’s a bit of a surprise. Microsoft, who have been extremely eager to push Kinect as part of the Xbox One package, have finally decided to take the camera and motion sensor combo out of the equation, revealing a cheaper price for the system.

Written by Blair Inglis and Sam Paterson.

11 Comments

  1. Just..um…what? Possibly the most confusing thing I’ve ever read on TSA

    • I think they were quite drunk.

      • Travelling between dimensions can mess with your head a bit.

    • Must be a slow week

  2. If the internet has taught me one thing, it’s that cats are the business, not dogs.

    Are you sure that part wasn’t from an alternate universe as well?

    The most exciting thing I’ve ever found behind the sofa was a some two-day old popcorn next to a dusty Move-controller.

  3. Very funny. Why doesn’t the last headline have a funny alternate tale? Is it because it’s already so funny to start with?

    • In the ideal Universe we visited, that was the exact headline ;)

  4. I just know someone is going to misread this article as fact .. ;)

  5. I must admit, it’s funny and confusing and the same time.

  6. I once thought I found a temporal warp to another dimension behind my settee, turns out it was my missing hydrapak hose.
    Still a win IMO

  7. I thought this was written by Michael to begin with.

Comments are now closed for this post.

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