The Real TSA Game Of The Year 2016 Awards

There’s a kind of inevitability about many Game of the Year categories that we have about here. Of course Uncharted 4, Overwatch, Final Fantasy XV, Dark Souls 3 and other high profile releases are going to be there or there abouts for a good half dozen categories each.

But forget about “Best Action Adventure Game” and “Best Multiplayer” a moment. These are the real TSA Game of the Year awards.


Best Animal Petting

Originally this was going to be “Best animal petting in a Ubisoft open world game”, in which case it would have 100% been Far Cry Primal – just look at the eyes on this glorious beast while blood drips from its mouth having ripped the throats out of your many enemies:

Then The Last Guardian happened, and petting Trico is the best thing ever, if you ask me. I could do this for hours. It’s like every Clifford The Big Red Dog fan’s dream, but with a giant mythological cat-bird hybrid.

Far Cry Primal can win the Smallest Neanderthal Penis award instead.

Best FPS Robot Companion That Survives the Story

Ah, we wouldn’t even dare spoil these games for you. We’re not monsters!

Best Camera

Do you prefer a first person camera or third person one? Perhaps you’d rather view the world from up on high like a bird. Honestly, it’s so situational, but we thought hard and looked to the future, and we think that selfie cameras are going to become a pretty big deal in games. Final Fantasy XV lets “best boy” contender Prompto loose with a camera, and many of the photos he takes are selfies, but we think that before long there won’t be a game that doesn’t have a selfie camera for taking quirky little photos as you explore the world, and we reckon that Rockstar can really lead the way and add one to Red Dead Redemption 2. It’s about time, really.

Most Confusing Hardware Announcement

Surprisingly, not the Nintendo Switch. After the messiness of the 3DS and Wii U naming and hardware reveals – “Wait, this is a new console?” asked pretty much everyone that wasn’t paying attention – Nintendo actually managed to lay out a simple and compelling explanation of what the Switch was and what it can do.

No, this award goes to either the PlayStation 4 Pro or Microsoft’s Scorpio… and I think it has to go to the Scorpio. Microsoft announced it basically a year before they’ll actually start to talk about it – despite the leaks, Sony actually announced the Pro just a couple months in advance – and I thought that was pretty gutsy. They took the hits first for breaking out of the traditional hardware generation cycle. While they say it’s just a more powerful Xbox One, they did so about thirty minutes after announcing the Xbox One S, and that seemed to confuse a hell of a lot of people.

Angriest Looking Photo of Phil Spencer 2016

Speaking of Microsoft, as much as I like Phil Spencer and how he pushes Xbox to address the wants and needs of gamers, despite the Xbox One’s faltering start, you can just imagine that he’s an absolute demon when things don’t go to plan.

There’s this one moment from Bethesda’s E3 press conference where people were taking photos of Phil Spencer wondering to themselves, “Did he just hear that the entire Microsoft show has just been ruined?”

This is that photo and Outside Xbox’ accompanying tweet:

 

A Simple Recipe for Tiramisu

Ingredients:

  • Two packets of sponge fingers – AKA ladyfingers
  • A cooled cup of black coffee
  • A 250ml tub of mascarpone
  • 250ml of whipping or double cream
  • A few tablespoons of caster sugar (to taste), and optional rum or amaretto (but not amaretto if you’re allergic to almonds)
  • Your choice of coffee liqueur (Kahlua or Tia Maria) or marsala wine
  • Hot chocolate powder and/or grated dark chocolate

You’ll also want a nice big oven dish to put all of this in. If you have a 1L ice cream tub, halve the amount of mascarpone and cream, and you’ll have more than enough for 4 people.

Instructions:

  1. First brew a cup of black coffee, preferably from fresh ground coffee, add a shot of Kahlua or splash of Marsala then pour it into a bowl and let it cool while you make the cream.
  2. Whip the cream with a few tablespoons of sugar until it has a slightly peaky consistency.
  3. To the cream add the mascarpone, a couple tablespoons of amaretto or rum, and a dash of vanilla extract if you’re feeling a bit fancy today. Continue whipping until it’s nicely blended.
  4. Dip individual ladyfingers into the coffee for a few seconds each – enough time to soak up some coffee but not get too soggy – placing them into the oven dish to make a layer of sponge.
  5. Spoon a layer of cream into the dish.
  6. Add a second layer of ladyfingers and cream.
  7. Dust the top with chocolate powder and/or sprinkle with grated chocolate.
  8. Leave it in the fridge to settle for a few hours.

Highest Numbered Sequel

Final Fantasy XV, right? Wrong. It’s 2016, and that means every sports game going is currently at the number 17. It’s a dead heat, in other words, between FIFA, PES, Madden NFL, and on and on.

NBA 2K17 almost sneaks it because it’s a clever twist on 2017 to incorporate the publisher’s name, Warhammer 40,000: Eternal Crusade is excluded for not being a direct sequel to another game, and Rez: Infinite is discounted for not being a remake. If Rez: Infinite +1 comes out next year, it’s bound to win, despite stiff competition from Warhammer 40,000: Dawn of War III, which will excellently mix two different ways of writing numbers.

Dumbest Game Name

This is a tough one. Nobunaga’s Ambition: Sphere of Influence – Ascension takes the biscuit, but that biscuit comes from the packet that 7th Dragon 3 Code VFD stole from Lidl.

Most British Thing to Happen in a Game

That time that The Division unintentionally turned into Queueing Simulator 2016:

Weirdest Japanese Game That Miguel Reviewed

From the man himself:

Yomawari starts with you walking your dog and then you pick up a rock to toss it to the dog and the dog runs for it and then gets run over by a car. Also later on a big flesh-man sprints at you down the road and instakills you.

Most Improbable Boobs

There’s so many contenders, but it’s really quite hard to look past – fnar! – the Senran Kagura games and their over the top wibbling and wobbling bossoms.

Speaking of which…

Weirdest Promotional Campaign

Look, Senran Kagura is already niche enough – see the whole improbably boobs thing above – but then they decided that the special edition release of the game would feature a body pillow. At least Marvelous could play this up to the camera with a wink and a smile with the following body pillow dating series of videos.

Most Forgettable Game

Stories: The Path of Destinies is currently available on PS+ and it’s well worth exploring according to Aran’s review. That said, while we were sorting out our GOTY awards, he said, “I saw it was on PS+, and thought that looks interesting, so I looked it up and saw I’d written the review!”


Any categories we overlooked? Feel free to pipe up in the comments below, and don’t worry, normal service will resume tomorrow when we get back to the last few Ones to Watch, Review of the Year and Game of the Year articles.

Written by
I'm probably wearing toe shoes, and there's nothing you can do to stop me!

8 Comments

  1. The tiramisu recipe is missing the important step 9. Eat it in bed with a long spoon.

    Oddly enough, I actually did just that last Christmas after someone took a joke a little bit too far.

    • Is there an interesting story behind the joke that you could embellish amusingly for us?

      Nice article Tef, although I’m surprised it’s you that wrote it! TC seems to be dictating the muck and daftness quota.

      Kahlua all the way.

      • You know how some random joke in some comedy just amuses you more than it should? It was just one of those things. Google “eating tiramisu with a long spoon”.

        And after I’d mentioned it a couple of times, or maybe about 17 times, someone thought it’d be funny to buy me tiramisu and a long spoon for Christmas.

        I’ve now got a totally impractical 2 foot long spoon I’ll never use again.

      • Haha brilliant, especially now I know it’s a Black Books reference. And I dunno about impractical, I can think of a few things to do with a 2ft long spoon, most involve scratching.

  2. Most dirty Japanese game wasn’t a category so this article is disappointing, but who on earth would even know where to start with it aside from Tuffcub or Sitorimon, or a paedophile :p

    Most forgettable game was entertaining.

  3. I’m reminded heavily of Mega64’s annual Todd and something awards. That is a good thing. Surprised that TSA’s most hippiest member wrote it. Expected it to be Tuffcubb that wrote it unless Teff is stealing credit.

    But you forgot one important award. “That’s a Nice FOOKING LAMP!” award. LAmps get overlooked in games! START GIVING AWARDS DAMNIT!

  4. Haha brilliant Tef! Article of the year! :)

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