Hello there, we’re a bit short of time today so just pretend there is something witty/smutty written here. Done that? Good. Fnar. Honk. Lols. Etc. Right, let’s dive in and start with the news that Cities: Skylines is getting some Mass Transit DLC.
If you were waiting for a new Switch game then Ultra Street Fighter II: The Final Challengers for the Nintendo Switch will be out on May 26th for $39.99 or local equivalent.
Steel Division: Normandy 44 is new tactical real-time strategy game for Windows PCs.
Steel Division: Normandy 44 is a game that puts players in command of historically accurate tanks, troops, and vehicles at the height of World War II, and will feature a single-player campaign alongside online multiplayer modes, up to and including 10-versus-10 battles. The game will be available later this year.
Progress from Destiny will not carry through to Destiny 2. Your character design will, but all armour, guns, possessions, hats, masks, sparrows, and whatever else you collected will be assigned to the digital dustbin.
“Sequels represent the start of a new adventure for every player, with new worlds to explore, new stories to tell, new powers to acquire, new loot to earn, and much more,” explained Bungie. “This led us to a decision that would enable us to serve both the game and the player’s best interests: Destiny 1 power, possessions, and Eververse-related items and currency will not carry forward. They will, however, remain accessible to you in Destiny 1.”
Bungie also released a teaser for The Age of Triumph, the game’s final live event and not a documentary about the British car and motor manufacturing company.
Edge of Eternity is a moderately exciting modern-day western, lawman Cornel Wilde pursues a mystery murderer towards the Grand Canyon and a cable-car climax. The overall effect is marred only by some cheap back projection that looks horribly out of sync.
It’s also a a new open world JRPG coming to PC, Xbox One and PS4.
Conan: Exiles has proved to be rather popular and has rescued FunCom from bankruptcy, a prospect they faced after releasing rubbish like The Park. The success of the game may be due to wangs.
I’m sure you’ve seen the videos floating around the internet which show the naked barbarians in the game, and their biological accurate, if rather generously sized dicks flapping about all over the place. It turns out that these floppy members have an extra decorative function. If you kill a human in the game you get the option to claim a trophy from them which could be a foot, a hand, an ear… or a penis.
“It’s more like a harvest trophy system,” explained the game’s creative director, Joe Bylos. “I do want to allow people to build a necklace of dicks they can wear. Why not? It’s fun.”
I had written something about a few of my friends really enjoying that sort of thing in their own homes but apparently the TSA lawyers won’t let me name names. Anyway, the focus on tallywhackers has had one unfortunate side effect as it appears to be the only thing people want to discuss when they meet Joe Bylos.
“I feel like I’m gonna be the dick guy forever now,” he said.
I do apologise if you were expecting some #Improbable Boobs but we are staying with male genitalia for this next news item with the announcement of i.Con, which is essentially a FitBit but for your johnson.
Now I’m sure you are wondering why we are covering this news, it’s not a game is it? Well, yes, it is. The i.Con, is a £59.99 smart ring that fits over the end of your normal condom and records your performance. It will tell you how many calories you have burned, your thrust speed, velocity, girth, position and how many times you have had a special lay down with someone.
You can then use the accompanying app to compare your performance to other users across the globe. It is, essentially, a high score chasing game of who can f*ck the best.
Those of you allergic to willies can now re-enter the room, here’s a normal video about the voice work in Mass Effect Andromeda and it contains no wangs at all.
And here’s another video for the game showing how lovely it looks. This also has a penis count of zero.
And Finally, the launch trailer for Ghost Recon Wildlands. Tra!