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Rating Bowser's Wedding Plans In Super Mario Odyssey

Don't Tell the Bride

I’m sure Bowser meant it to be the best day of his and Peach’s life, as he whisks her away (against her will) to get married in lavish style. Like a Nintendo-themed episode of the classic bit of British reality TV that is Don’t Tell The Bride, we get the inside track as Mario and Cappy race to stop that wedding at all costs.

So let’s look at where he went right and where he went just a little bit wrong in his attempts to wed Peach. Obviously, beware of honking great big spoilers below the trailer!

He Looks Damn Sharp in His Wedding Suit

Bowser might be bad to the bone and a giant spiky turtle/tortoise/dragon, but damn, does he look good in his white tux! The Koopa Troopas should be proud of themselves for some fine tailoring skills to come up with the white coat and tails, as well as adding accessories with Bowser’s trademark spiked bands.

Topped off with a swell hat, and gorgeous purple waistcoast/bow tie combination, Bowser brushes up really well, though that does leave lingering questions about whether he’s naked when he’s not wearing clothes, as he is in every other Mario game.

An Unwilling Bride

The number of times that Bowser has had to kidnap Peach and received zero romantic overtures in return, you’d think he’d have taken the hint by now: Peach doesn’t really want to be with you, Bowser! We’re pretty sure that the wedding wouldn’t be legally binding if it was a legitimate ceremony, since both parties would need to consent.

Also, Peach doesn’t seem to be succumbing to Stockholm Syndrome. Life isn’t really a rom-com where the guy can wear the woman down until Peach realises that she does actually love Bowser, despite that suave Italian chap who is your love rival.

Prepared to Fight for Peach’s Love

On the other hand, I guess it’s kind of romantic that he’s willing to fight for Peach’s love time and time again? Very creepy and stalkery, and probably in violation of dozens of international restraining orders, but he knows how to make someone feel wanted, I guess…

Will Only Settle for the Very Best

Bowser’s quest to make his wedding the most lavish it can be takes him to every corner of the globe. A tiara from the Hat Kingdom, a dress from Lake Lamode, the biggest ring imaginable from the ruins near Tostarena, and… well I’m not entirely sure what he gets from New Donk City (electricity for the lighting maybe?), but I’m sure it was very much worth it.

Everything Was ‘Borrowed’

You know how this rhyme goes: “Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue”. Well Bowser took one look at that phrase and probably thought, “Borrowed eh? Now there’s a good idea!”

Talk about cheap and tacky, though. As lovely as all that stuff is, it was kiiiiiind of stolen, and Bowser did kiiiiiind of invade every major kingdom in the world to do so. If you’re going to elope, then elope and feel free to do so on the cheap, but don’t wage a literal world war as you’re doing so!

Location, Location, Location

I mean, wow. Just as with all the stolen stuff, Bowser sure knows how to pick an incredible location for his wedding. I mean, blasting off to the Moon and getting married with the whole world to see as soon as you take a step outside the church? I doubt that Mario could have come up with something quite so dazzlingly impressive.

Fiercely Loyal Wedding Planners

Bounce on their heads as many times as you want, the lagomorph wedding planners, the Broodals, keep on getting back up and working to keep Bowser’s wedding on track. In truth, they’re more hired muscle or bodyguards than seeming to do any actual wedding planning, but it’s that fierce loyalty that’s sure to matter most to Bowser.

None of the Guests Want to Be There

Impressive though it is to gather together all the dignitaries or representatives from all the kingdoms he’d just invaded, showing true military dominion over the world, it’s pretty depressing that nobody actually wanted to be there to witness his wedding.

Also, does he have no friends and family to invite? Pretty sure the Koopalings would be up for a party, and Bowser Jr., his in-canon son no less, would finally be pleased about getting the mama he was promised way back in Super Mario Sunshine. I can’t imagine the atmosphere in the reception to follow it. That would be grim, to say the least.

An Interrupted Wedding

Thankfully for Peach and all those guests, Mario does manage to make it just in time to interrupt and call the whole thing of. It’s such a clichéd way for it all to end though, and is bound to be utterly soul destroying for Bowser to go through.

There’s Still Hope

Bowser might not have got the girl this time, but who’s to say that next time won’t be more successful? Certainly, it’s not like Mario and Peach get their fairytale ending…

Try though he might, Bowser simply can’t win his dream girl’s heart, and even when he tries to steal it, it doesn’t really go to plan… On balance, we award his wedding attempts a mere two green shells out of five.

  1. Tuffcub
    On the naughty step.
    Since: Dec 2008

    Perhaps an older male forcing himself on a young girl wasn’t the wisest choice of storylines given what is going on the news.

    Comment posted on 30/10/2017 at 10:40.
    • Tony Cawley
      Pint! Pint!
      Since: Feb 2009

      I read the article and was about to make this exact comment!

      Well, at least Peach isn’t a 14 year old boy. Kevin Spacey, another legend about to get trashed.

      People I have fond memories of turning out to be utter bastards:

      Kevin Spacey
      Jimmy Saville
      Rolf Harris.

      Comment posted on 30/10/2017 at 11:15.