The great dildo plague of Cyberpunk 2077 is to come to an end

There are a phenomenal amount of dildos in Cyberpunk 2077, they seem to be scattered across almost every corner of the game including places dildos should not be, throbbing sneakily from behind the counter of many cafes. CD Projekt RED have now explained why the game contains so many fake phalluses, “Where something by today’s standards might be taboo or kinky is very normal and commonplace by 2077 standards.”

Dildos are not taboo, and they certainly ‘aint kinky. Rubber pleasure poles have been around since the 1930’s and the first known sex toy was created around 30,000 years ago, and back in 2016 Phil and Holly had a feature on the best vibrators during This Morning where they discussed the ‘Lovehorny Clitoral Desire Vibe’.  A big floppy silicon wang lost any sort of shock value many years ago.

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It’s unclear why scattering huge amounts of jiggling jackhammers across a city is meant to show sexual liberation, but apparently it does. Dildos spawn as part of the random loot items in the game and it seems that the algorithm that selects when and where a sexy toy is placed isn’t working very well.

“We were still tweaking those settings, so especially during the early reviews, the amount of dildos in the game world was pretty high. We’re going to adjust them so that the dildos don’t appear too out of place/context and distracting and more where they should be by design,” explained senior quest designer Philipp Weber to Kotaku.

This will be the first, and hopefully only time, a game gets a hotfix to patch out a plague of plastic penises.

Despite record breaking pre-orders and launch sales for Cyberpunk 2077, CD Projekt Red have found themselves in hot water over the launch of the game. With myriad bugs, poor performance on PlayStation 4 and Xbox One, and the company issuing a public statement saying the unsatisfied users could seek refunds, all coming after a review cycle that only featured the PC version of the game, it’s safe to say that public perceptions of the company have taken a nose dive.

In an emergency board call to answer questions, the company’s top brass were grilled about the launch, upcoming updates, how they dropped the ball, and the fallout that they’re currently seeing.

First and foremost, joint-CEO Adam Kiciński admitted in his opening statement that “After 3 delays, we as the Management Board were too focused on releasing the game. We underestimated the scale and complexity of the issues, we ignored the signals about the need for additional time to refine the game on the base last-gen consoles.”

This was later followed up by co-founder Marcin Iwiński was said “It is more about us looking – as was previously stated – at the PC and next-gen performance rather than current-gen. We definitely did not spend enough time looking at that.”

Source: Kotaku

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Written by
News Editor, very inappropriate, probs fancies your dad.

5 Comments

  1. Maybe just have a slider in the graphics settings?

    • I’d prefer a drop down (and suck it) menu.

    • This game will soon go the way of the dildodo.

  2. Perhaps if they hadn’t spent so much time tweaking their dildos they wouldn’t have fumbled their balls.

  3. I guess it is one way to shaft your customers….

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