The Sun is reporting that ‘Terrorists are using online war games like Call of Duty to plot attacks.’ The evil people are aware police monitor their emails and phone calls so have turned to online gaming to avoid being detected.
The ‘news’ paper claims game such as Medal Of Honor, Call Of Duty and Halo are being used as training methods for attackers and ‘security chiefs now fear plotters are set to turn those fantasies into reality. ‘
“It’s a terrifying reality. These people waste no time finding a secure method of chatting,” said ‘a source’, “For millions who love these games this will be a huge shock. To think fanatics use them for their own ends is a real worry.”
But fear not, “security people know about it,” said the source whilst another nameless ‘expert’ said “those who fight crime and terrorism keep up to date with technological changes.”
So it sounds like ‘those who fight crime and terrorism’ are monitoring online gaming channels which makes this a non story. But hey, sensational headline, well done The Sun!
Extremist leader ‘n00bhunt3r’ of the team ‘TapDatAss’ gave a chilling speech to his troops before playing a map called ‘Rat’s Nest’ on Halo 3 – Rat’s Nest is obviously a codeword for the Houses of Parliament.
‘Yo Mama’s gonna s**k my d**k!’ exclaimed n00bhunt3r and then issued a strategy to his troops, ‘youz go left and burn the f***’ he said before deploying a terrifying experimental weapon that fires pink needles.
The opposing team, DeathToWest, stood little chance. Their leader, ‘Martyr#343’ shouted a message across ther comms,‘Will you little f**ks get out of here! This is meant to be secret!’.
The battle was short, bloody and horrific. At one point I found ‘LikeBoobies787’ from the ‘TapDatAss’ team performing a teabagging move on ’72Virgins4Me’ – the screams of terror will haunt me for the rest of my days.
‘Who’s stupid idea was this?’ shouted ‘Alan_Queda’ across the comms, ‘That little punk ‘ROFLLOLZ’ is spawn camping!”
As the match concluded the members of ‘TapDatAss’ jeered and sent horrific insults to the opposing team and I suddenly realised the true horror of what had occurred.
Now that the gunfire had ceased I could hear the voices clearly and I realised that members of ‘TapDatAss’ were children, none of whom could be older than twelve.
I reported my findings and a ‘source’ told me, “It’s true, terrorists are training small children using online gaming. The only solution is to turn off the Internet.’
Of course, the internet in The Sun’s offices might already be switched off. We couldn’t think of another reason for using an old stock image of a kid playing what appears to be Sega Rally on a PlayStation 3 and claiming that they’re training for war.
What, are they going to be winning hearts and minds by posting the fastest stage times? Because a fastest lap competition sounds like a much more civilised way to settle international disputes.
Source: The Sun / Completely fictional people