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The Sun: Extremists Using COD To Plan Terror Attacks

*allegedly.

The Sun is reporting that ‘Terrorists are using online war games like Call of Duty to plot attacks.’  The evil people are aware police monitor their emails and phone calls so have turned to online gaming to avoid being detected.

The ‘news’ paper claims game such as Medal Of Honor, Call Of Duty and Halo are being used as training methods for attackers and ‘security chiefs now fear plotters are set to turn those fantasies into reality. ‘

“It’s a terrifying reality. These people waste no time finding a secure method of chatting,” said ‘a source’,  ”For millions who love these games this will be a huge shock. To think fanatics use them for their own ends is a real worry.”

But fear not, “security people know about it,” said the source whilst another nameless ‘expert’ said “those who fight crime and terrorism keep up to date with technological changes.”

So it sounds like ‘those who fight crime and terrorism’ are monitoring online gaming channels which makes this a non story. But hey, sensational headline, well done The Sun!


Elite. Worse?
As TSA’s chief investigator I have conducted my own in depth research into the terrorists. Just this morning, I infiltrated a terrorist cell using my PlayStation 3 and caught them discussing their ‘deadly plans’.

Extremist leader ‘n00bhunt3r’ of the team ‘TapDatAss’ gave a chilling speech to his troops before playing a map called ‘Rat’s Nest’ on Halo 3 – Rat’s Nest is obviously a codeword for the Houses of Parliament.

‘Yo Mama’s gonna s**k my d**k!’ exclaimed n00bhunt3r and then issued a strategy to his troops, ‘youz go left and burn the f***’  he said before deploying a terrifying experimental weapon that fires pink needles.

The opposing team, DeathToWest, stood little chance. Their leader, ‘Martyr#343′ shouted a message across ther comms,‘Will you little f**ks get out of here! This is meant to be secret!’.

The battle was short, bloody and horrific. At one point I found ‘LikeBoobies787′ from the ’TapDatAss’ team performing a teabagging move on ’72Virgins4Me’ – the screams of terror will haunt me for the rest of my days.

‘Who’s stupid idea was this?’ shouted ‘Alan_Queda’ across the comms, ‘That little punk ‘ROFLLOLZ’ is spawn camping!”

As the match concluded the members of ‘TapDatAss’ jeered and sent horrific insults to the opposing team and I suddenly realised the true horror of what had occurred.

Now that the gunfire had ceased I could hear the voices clearly and I realised that members of ‘TapDatAss’ were children, none of whom could be older than twelve.

I reported my findings and a ‘source’ told me, “It’s true, terrorists are training small children using online gaming. The only solution is to turn off the Internet.’

Of course, the internet in The Sun’s offices might already be switched off. We couldn’t think of another reason for using an old stock image of a kid playing what appears to be Sega Rally on a PlayStation 3 and claiming that they’re training for war.

What, are they going to be winning hearts and minds by posting the fastest stage times? Because a fastest lap competition sounds like a much more civilised way to settle international disputes.

Source: The Sun / Completely fictional people

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55 Comments
  1. colossalblue
    Team TSA: Editor
    Since: Forever

    I think The Sun is just upset because they can’t work out how to listen in to party chat conversations yet.

    Comment posted on 20/03/2012 at 10:31.
  2. hannes_truce
    Member
    Since: Sep 2008

    This is the saddest, funniest and most pathetic thing I’ve read in a long time.

    Comment posted on 20/03/2012 at 10:36.
  3. OriginalJonty (Aran Suddi)
    Member
    Since: Sep 2011

    Wait, The Sun just leaked Call of Duty: Kart Warfare?

    Comment posted on 20/03/2012 at 10:38.
    • TheDemocrodile
      Member
      Since: May 2010

      i havent played a CoD since the first MW but if they did a kart game id be all over that, at least in a kart game they dont have to shoehorn a ridiculous story into it ;)

      Comment posted on 20/03/2012 at 13:03.
  4. Kitch
    Member
    Since: Aug 2008

    The kid is playing on what appears to be a DVD player. Funny article. Shame about the original scare mongering.

    Comment posted on 20/03/2012 at 10:38.
    • Kevatron400
      Drake, baby.
      Since: Dec 2008

      Maybe one of the Slim PS2s?

      Comment posted on 20/03/2012 at 10:43.
  5. cc_star
    Team TSA: Writer
    Since: Forever

    Ha! Great article, brilliant.

    Just read their article & it’s amazing how they’ve turned the fact that groups may have turned to gaming chat to communicate because they know other methods are intercepted into the crap they have.

    There actually is a story there.

    But because their readership which feeds this type of reporting demands everything’s dumbed down & then sensationalised they come up with this crap. Ridiculous.

    Comment posted on 20/03/2012 at 10:40.
  6. The Lone Steven
    Never heard of him.
    Since: May 2010

    Someone free Tuffcub from the Naughty Step as he deserves it for this. I like how they claim to have evidence and then not mention the source.

    According to them, only addicts join clans. Didn’t realise that wanting to play on a regular basis meant that you are an addict. I must be a gaming addict as i play games every day. Or it’s a lot of crap and they cba to research it.

    What’s next? The Sims is causing kids to have emotions? PS Move is for those on the sex offender’s register? Kinect is for wife beaters? Sadly, they would actually run with those headlines if they could get away with it.

    Hmm, you are very quick to put us down, Sun but whenever something positive happens, you cba to report as us gamers obviously can’t be decent folk and function in the real world.

    The sun, only good as bog roll when you run out of bog roll and other newspapers. Even that is a compliment. :(

    Comment posted on 20/03/2012 at 10:40.
    • The Lone Steven
      Never heard of him.
      Since: May 2010

      Also, i doubt COD is the game to use for training as i doubt the methods online would work in the real world. If we hear of a terrorist running/jumping around and trying to no scope, then the sun would have gotten it right for once. But i doubt that will happen. Surely, ARMA 2 would be a better game to use as i’ve heard it’s more realistic. *gets arrested for suggesting it*

      Comment posted on 20/03/2012 at 10:45.
      • cc_star
        Team TSA: Writer
        Since: Forever

        They don’t use it for training, there maybe a story about how their other forms of communication are spied upon and their gaming chat isn’t – the rest of it is just bullshit which people demand of The Sun.

        Comment posted on 20/03/2012 at 10:49.
      • alan_queda
        Member
        Since: Mar 2012

        We like the Sun. It keeps you lot scared.

        Comment posted on 20/03/2012 at 10:57.
      • jikomanzoku
        Member
        Since: Jan 2010

        Genius :D

        Comment posted on 20/03/2012 at 14:46.
  7. BIGAL-1992
    Member
    Since: Jan 2009

    Does that look like sega rally or is it Mario Kart? Either way, that is NOT Call Of Duty he’s playing.

    Comment posted on 20/03/2012 at 10:42.
  8. ron_mcphatty
    Member
    Since: Sep 2008

    Brilliant article! And a wonderful public service at the same time, those pesky terrorists won’t have anywhere to hide if this grade of investigative journalism can be maintained.

    Comment posted on 20/03/2012 at 10:44.
  9. bunimomike
    Member
    Since: Jul 2009

    Next they’ll be taking flying lessons to practice slamming passenger jets into… no wait. IS NO HOBBY SAFE?

    Comment posted on 20/03/2012 at 10:50.
    • Tuffcub
      On the naughty step.
      Since: Dec 2008

      Last week I was arrested for crocheting a grenade.

      Comment posted on 20/03/2012 at 10:52.
      • The Lone Steven
        Never heard of him.
        Since: May 2010

        That’s because you were playing it naked in the middle of London.

        Comment posted on 20/03/2012 at 10:56.
      • LivedeviL
        Member
        Since: Dec 2008

        Not that sort of crochet… think knitting but with one needle (a hook)

        Comment posted on 20/03/2012 at 11:26.
      • Forrest_01
        Member
        Since: Jun 2009

        I am actually struggling to think of what crochet could mean other than crochet of course.

        I can use my imagination, but its a bit of a stretch!:/

        Comment posted on 20/03/2012 at 17:54.
      • LivedeviL
        Member
        Since: Dec 2008

        The other crochet is hitting spherical objects (i didn’t want to say balls with reference to TC naked) through hoops.

        Comment posted on 21/03/2012 at 09:52.
      • Forrest_01
        Member
        Since: Jun 2009

        Can’t say i’ve ever heard of it. Does sound a lot like croquet though.

        Comment posted on 21/03/2012 at 09:55.
  10. alan_queda
    Member
    Since: Mar 2012

    Ok I think it’s time you all knew the truth. Whilst yes, I do enjoy the odd bit of n00bkilling on COD I have NEVER, I repeat NEVER played a rally game in all my life.
    As and when we decide to launch an attack on the infidel west, rest assured we’ll be using Arma2. (Some of our Irish friends told us about that game.)
    We have had to change our communication techniques since those bastards at Channel4 films exposed out Club Penguin ruse in 4 Lions.

    Comment posted on 20/03/2012 at 10:55.
    • Tuffcub
      On the naughty step.
      Since: Dec 2008

      You win teh internetz

      Comment posted on 20/03/2012 at 10:56.
    • TheDemocrodile
      Member
      Since: May 2010

      haha brillant :D

      Comment posted on 20/03/2012 at 13:00.

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