They just keep trying to make movies based on video games but none of them have really worked yet. Check below for a list of those to avoid but in truth it’s probably best to just avoid them all. Seriously, there aren’t any good ones.
- Super Mario Bros – Bob Hoskins as Mario Mario and the guy who let slip that Leonardo DiCaprio uses prostitutes as Luigi Mario. Oh, and Easy Rider as King Cooper. This was about as “am dram” as it gets and even though it was plainly meant for kids it was only really watchable by donkeys with severe learning difficulties. Even then they felt insulted by it. Narrated by Homer Simpson. Fact!
- Lara Croft: Tomb Raider – This has Angelina Jolie in it so for boys of a certain age it’s bound to be popular. The fact is: this is rubbish, poorly scripted and poorly acted. Why they felt the need to force a comedy-geek sidekick into it I will never understand. It certainly didn’t make the film any more enjoyable. Also starred Angelina’s dad and James Bond.
- Street Fighter – If we weren’t well warned about video-game movie adaptations yet then we should at least have been put off by the fact that this had Jean Claude Van Dam in it. And Kylie who, as it turned out wasn’t so lucky after all. This was roundly hammered by critics and fans of the video game thought it was the worst thing they had ever had to look at. Until they released Street Fighter: The Movie the video-game, which made the movie look like Citizen Kane.
- Mortal Kombat – Starring that bloke from Highlander and nobody else you’ve ever heard of. This was drivel. It looked like a cheap knock off of the Street Fighter movie and it probably was trying to jump on the same bandwagon. Unfortunately the bandwagon was on its way to the bargain bucket of “Poundstretcher’s” and this movie was soon selling on VHS for less than it cost to buy a blank tape. It was still overpriced.
- Doom – I was hopeful for this one. Don’t ask me why, anything that’s based on a video game automatically rings alarm bells for me. When it’s based on a video game that only had a two line plot to begin with then there can’t be a lot of hope to be had. What’s that? It stars Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson? Bound for the Oscars then…
- Resident Evil – The video game series is basically a pastiche of scenes from various old zombie movies so theoretically this could have worked. Unfortunately they decided to book the two main stars based on how high their names scored in Scrabble rather than any actual talent. I’d love to pretend this never happened but they seem to be relentlessly releasing ill-advised sequels. Please stop, none of them are very good.
- Dead or Alive – Get some generic babes. Go on, get some, look in Nuts and FHM, there’s loads of semi-naked airbrush-victims. Make sure they’ve got curvy bits and don’t mind parading about in their underwear doing the splits and high-kicking like burlesque dancers on speed. Now give them all a script which you wrote on the toilet while shooting heroin and drinking gallons of hard liquor. Make sure you film their scenes within seven minutes of showing them their lines. Congratulations you’ve just made a better movie than this one!
- Max Payne – The games were good. They were heavily influenced by film noir movies and cool special effects from Hong Kong’s cutting edge of action cinema. Then they made a film and forgot to adhere to the original influences. So what we end up with is a wooden performance from Marky Mark and a cast which read more like the MTV awards in 2005 than a well-made movie. Nelly Furtado and Ludacris? Really?
- Wing Commander – One of the lowest ever ratings on Rotten Tomatoes. The director never made another movie. Even the new trailer for Star Wars Episode I which screened before it couldn’t save this from box-office disaster. In the game of Wing Commander IV the main character was played by Luke Skywalker. Surely that would have been a better direction to take this steaming pile of cellulose scat?
- Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li – A film franchise so bad it got two entries. I don’t know what the studio was thinking after the critical disaster that was Street Fighter: The Movie but this hasn’t fared any better. It stars the big guy from Green Mile, the man from Black Eyed Peas and, amusingly, features Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat. I personally didn’t think a Street Fighter movie could be worse than the first one but this proved me wrong. The fight scenes were awful too.
P.S. I apologise for the vitriolic nature of this feature. It’s been a hard week and my rage is escaping. I actually enjoyed DOA, it had Holly Valance in it…