Patches: The Worst Things in the World

Patches are the worst things in the whole world. Ever. Worse than being woken up by a bluebottle who refuses to grasp the concept of a window, worse than being late and stuck behind an elderly couple struggling to navigate themselves around a corner, and even worse than having to retake your passport photo thirteen times because of “shadows” (can you tell how my day’s been?). I’m sure an article devoted toward a hatred of patches will induce a sever feeling of deja-vu to many, however, this won’t be me banging on about the laziness of developers or the way they hold stuff back to charge extra. No. I hate patches because they’re such a waste of fracking time.

Recently, I had a friend from America staying over and whilst he had come all the way from the other side of the ocean to see where I lived, we spent virtually the entire week on the Playstation. It’s alright though as the drive from the airport to the house shows off enough of Shetland to last anyone a lifetime because once you’ve seen one shitey brown field, you’ve seen them all. The PS3 provided the perfect way for us to have fun whilst avoiding the midges, nettles and randy shetland ponies that inhabit the outside world. The problem was that every time we wanted to play a new game, we were forced to sit for anything ranging between 10 minutes and an hour before we could actually start interacting with anything.

Over the course of the week we decided to play, Resident Evil 5, Motorstorm: Pacific Rift, Pixel Junk Eden, Noby Noby Boy, Wipeout HD, Army of Two, LittleBigPlanet, Burnout Paradise, Resistance 2 and Rock Band 2. But no. There would be no racial slaughters, aggressive driving, zen-like states, Japanese euphemisms or uncomfortable bromances. Not until we sat through the excitement that is the download screen. That’s a lot of patches. In the end, we only had the patience to play Resident Evil, Motorstorm, Eden and Noby Noby Boy as the download times for everything else was just going to be too much to handle. Army of Two will have to wait for another day.

I understand that the patches could have been skipped over and ignored, but when it came to games like Little Big Planet and Resistance 2, we were playing because we wanted to go online and in the case of Resistance 2, we were being forced to wait whilst the game downloaded content that I don’t even want.

This is my biggest issue with patches. Many of them are completely unnecessary for most players. I can accept that Little Big Planet needs everyone to have The One With Big Thighs Off Street Fighter’s costume so that, should you find yourself playing with someone wearing said costume, you can see it properly. The problem comes with games like Burnout or Motorstorm. Before being allowed to sit and play, I need to download Big Surf Island, or the six extra tracks released as premium DLC. I have no intention of racing in any of these additional areas. I’m a horrendous racer as it is and am content with crashing in the areas I’ve been given. I don’t want to go online and make everyone else look good. Yet still, even though I’m not paying for it, they still feel the need to feed it to my hard drive.

This article probably won’t leave many of you feeling like you’ve learned anything. Hopefully though you can relate to my feelings and think to yourself “I agree with this guy. Gee, thesixthaxis really gets me!”. Maybe you’ve gotten a smirk or two out of this or maybe it’s given you nothing. It helped me though, I was angry and it calmed me down. Having a bad day at work? Did someone eat the last Kit-kat? Take that anger, channel it toward patches and read this article again. It might make you feel better.

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