GW: Celebrity Gamers

Hannes_Truce is a goldmine of funny guest writer submissions and this one is no different. We’ve removed one, completely hilarious but probably innapropriate entry but what’s left is still funnier than the average open mic night at a comedy club. Enjoy!

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The recent program Gameswipe on the BBC in which several celebrities spoke about gaming got me thinking about which figures that are, or were in the public eye play games and what type of games they prefer.

After Calling several of my contacts, redeeming some owed favours, bribing some personal assistants and doing some things which I’m neither proud of or want to repeat here, I’ve managed to find out the following:

Gordon Brown: Being the Prime Minister, as you can imagine, is a stressful and consuming job. Not having a huge amount of free time does not however stop Mr Brown from partaking in a little gaming.

He is often known to spend hours playing strategy games such as SimCity 3000 and Civilisation, really any game where he can take the role of a power hungry megalomaniac. The shocking thing is that Gordie is actually quite adept at these games and can create cities and civilisations of unrivalled efficiency. If only he could transfer some of these skills to the real world.

Herr Brown also dabbles in the world of MMORPGS and has a level 60 Rogue in World of Warcraft. For any players of the title out there, you may have seen him wandering around in Bloodhoof along with his questing companion, Kim Il Jong.

Chuck Norris: Having mastered martial arts and the ability to kill anyone with his little toe on his left foot, Chuck has recently turned to gaming. Finding himself being able to master games easily he started playing his friends and online. Needless to say Chuck beat everyone he played against and competitive play soon got boring and unsatisfying for him. Chuck is now an avid player of open ended and non competitive games such as Animal crossing on his Wii and Nintendogs on his DSi. He has an extremely cute Labrador puppy called Charlie.

HM Queen Elizabeth of England: You’d think that being the Queen of England would be an interesting and rewarding life, filled with interesting people and holidays to interesting places. You’d be wrong. Lizzy has spent most of her adult life in a state of perpetual boredom. Until recently that is when Prince Phillip bought himself a Playstation 3 with a copy Call of Duty: World at War. Bored one day, Queeny decided to have a go on Pips new toy and after a few minutes of playing was hooked.

‘One particularly enjoys stabbing ones enemies in the face with the Bayonet. It is exceedingly satisfying.’

Since beginning her gaming career, Her Majesty has taken the plunge into the world of online gaming under the PSN name of QUEENofyourMUM69 and has recently achieved her first prestige rank in Call of Duty, much to Prince Phillips dismay.

She has also started a personal blog reviewing games she’s played and has recently written about her dismay at not being able to achieve any platinum trophies.

Bobby Kotick: Quite simply, he hates games and anything to do with them. He regularly buys PS3’s and Xbox 360’s in batches of ten and devises new and interesting way’s of destroying them. One of his personal favourite ways involves a donkey, three steak and kidney pies and a Phillips screwdriver.

It is thought that his hate of games comes from a traumatising incident in his childhood when he caught a man dressed as Mario having intercourse with his mum in their kitchen.

Simon Cowell: When he can tear himself away from his mirrors and when not criticising other people’s talent, or lack thereof, Simon Cowell likes nothing more than to don his pink fluffy dressing gown and matching slippers and have a game of Singstar.

Unfortunately for his house guests and neighbours, Simon cannot sing to save his life and can often be heard crooning in the early hours of the morning. If you search hard enough you can find videos he has recorded and uploaded of himself singing various songs on the game including ‘Complicated’ by Avril Lavigne and ‘Love Machine’ by Girls Aloud. It is clear to see for all from these videos that he is utterly deluded and believes himself to be the most talented man on earth: hardly surprising.

*Authors note: No actual bl*wjobs were given during the writing of this article. Oh and none of it’s true.

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