Abridged Too Far – Thirteen

SPOILER ALERT: This week’s Abridged Too Far contains major spoilers for Uncharted 2. You have been warned.

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UNCHARTED 2: AMONG THIEVES

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There was once a man named Nathan Drake, but you know him; we’ve met him once before. But what has old Drakey-boy been up to this time? Well, since we last saw him riding off into the sunset with a boat-load of gold and Elena on his arm, things have changed slightly. Drake now lives on a paradise island somewhere, sipping cocktails, and Elena was dumped quicker than Ron Atkinson.

One day, whilst enjoying the scenery and tranquillity, Drake was visited by a cockney friend of his called Harry Flynn.

HARRY: Hello Nate.

DRAKE: Hey, Harry! How are you doing, you cockney scoundrel?

HARRY: I’m good thanks mate. I can’t Adam and Eve you are actually here. I thought I was being told some Pork Pies and that it was all a load of Pony and Trap, so I thought I would come and take a Butcher’s Hook to see if it were the Babe Ruth, and here you are.

DRAKE: Right. I get it, you’re English. What are you doing here?

HARRY: I got a Corn On The Cob offer for you.

DRAKE: Normal English please.

HARRY: Spoil sport. Alright, I have a job offer.

Harry went on to explain that he had been hired by someone who wanted them to get hold of an artefact from a museum. He handed Drake a leaflet on Marco Polo. He immediately said no, claiming that the lure of Marco Polo had already killed 2 friends and that it was a three man job. That’s when Chloe Frazer appeared. She introduced herself to Drake but there was definitely some tension there. These two had already met; but they didn’t let on to Harry.

DRAKE: What does he want?

Harry slid Drake a picture of the artefact in question.

DRAKE: This is a picture of a Yo-Yo.

HARRY: Oh, my bad. I meant this one

Harry slid Drake another picture. This time it was of a Mongolian Oil Lamp. Drake pointed out that it was worthless but Harry and Chloe already knew this. They handed Drake a passage written in Latin. He read it

DRAKE: ‘Eggs. Milk. Bread. Cat Food. Oreos.’ This is a shopping list.

HARRY: Sorry, my bad. I meant this.

Drake read the passage and it revealed that the Oil Lamp they had been hired to ‘find’, did in fact contain the location of Marco Polo’s lost fleet; A fleet with copious amounts of gold and treasures. The trio decided to screw the guy who hired them and get it for themselves. They headed off to Istanbul to visit the museum in question. Whilst there, Drake and Chloe made a point of getting ‘reacquainted’. I knew there was history there. They started the heist come nightfall.

They made their way up through the sewage system and entered the building via its boiler room. So far, for a museum housing priceless artefacts, it wasn’t exactly difficult breaking in. They were about to enter the main building when Drake noticed the door was alarmed.

HARRY: Shit! That is an ultra sensitive alarm with code encrypted shut-off system. We will never crack it in…

DRAKE: Done it.

HARRY: What? How?

DRAKE: Next to the light switch, there’s a button that says ‘Turn off alarm’.

HARRY: Oh.

The pair entered the main museum building and proceeded to make their way to the artefact room. Along the way they encountered a lot of guards who suffered from tunnel vision and silently knocked them out. They gained access to the artefact room and their goal was immediately visible. It was contained within a glass box.

DRAKE: This box is wired to an ultra sensitive alarm. The slightest movement will set it off.

HARRY: Done it.

DRAKE: What? How?

HARRY: Biro and chewing gum.

DRAKE: Oh!

They removed the Oil Lamp and promptly smashed it on the floor. Not exactly the place to be doing that but hey! The lamp contained lots of blue stones and a blank piece of parchment. The duo were less then happy but then Drake had an idea. He pulled out a lighter and set fire to the blue stones, which turned out to be resin. They caught fire and gave off a bright blue light. On the parchment, written in glow in the dark paint, were the directions to the lost fleet, along with some Latin that Drake read out.

DRAKE: ‘We carried with us the treasure from Shamballah and the curse of the Cintamani Stone’…Oh my God!

HARRY: Chaka Kahn and Joss Stone?

DRAKE: No! Shamballah!

HARRY:…

DRAKE: Shangri-La?

HARRY: Oh! Shangri-La!

DRAKE: You still don’t know do you?

HARRY: No but I’m going to trust you that this is going somewhere.

The parchment also revealed that the lost fleet is off of the west coast of Borneo. Harry climbs back up to the window they entered via and pulled the rope up before Drake could follow. He then pulled a gun on him.

DRAKE: What the hell are you doing?

HARRY: Oh, come on Drake. I’m English! You should have known I was going to be a bad guy.

Harry shot one of the display cases and the alarms sounded. Drake was now abandoned and in trouble. He tried his best to escape but was inevitably captured and arrested. He spent three weeks in a Turkish prison evading Poppa P’s attentions before Victor Sullivan (you remember him) turned up to bail him out.

DRAKE: Sully! Boy am I happy to see you.

SULLY: I have brought a friend.

In walked Chloe. Drake did his nut.

DRAKE: Nope. No way. She can’t be trusted. She was in on it with Harry from the beginning and she’s English.

CHLOE: I guess you won’t want to know that he found the lost fleet then?

DRAKE: In Borneo? Let’s go!

Drake had become fickle in his old age. They left Turkey and headed for Borneo. They had planned to visit the site and steal the Cintamani stone for themselves. Apparently Harry was working for a crazy mentalist called Lazarević who was desperate to seek the stone. Sully and Drake entered the jungles of Borneo whilst Chloe joined Harry and Lazarević pretending to still be working with them. So, if you are trying to keep up at home, Harry betrayed Drake and Chloe has betrayed Harry. Chloe, using two very good assets, managed to plant C4 around the enemy’s campsite and now Sully and Drake had to arm them. Why Chloe couldn’t have armed them herself, I have no idea! Drake and Sully progressed through the camp shooting copious amounts of guards and climbing more terrain than humanly possible in one day. They finally reached the heart of the enemy’s set-up and distracted Lazarević and his goons by blowing the C4. Drake snuck into their base only to discover that the Cintamani stone hadn’t been found. He is then ambushed by hundreds of guards and after firing 721 bullets, 2 guards were down. He proceeded to use more ammunition than both World Wars to conquer his foes. They pushed forward and discovered a cave, at which point Chloe joins them.

The trio entered the cave and found lots of skeletons and more blue resin. Drake lit the resin and the eerie blue light highlighted a rather comforting trail of blood on the floor. They followed it to a hole in the wall and upon further investigation; they found the skeleton of one of Marco Polo’s men. The boney fingers grasped another parchment and a golden dagger called a Tibetan Purba. Don’t worry; they didn’t have a clue what it was either! On the parchment were two passages; one in Russian and the other in Latin. Chloe read the Russian one:

CHLOE: ‘Whoever reads this is not as good as For Zsar III’. Hmmm…strange!

Drake read the Latin passage:

DRAKE: ‘Sorry chumps but the Cintamani Stone is not here. It’s in Nepal. Kathmandu to be precise…In a temple’

SULLY: Right, I quit from here on in. I’m too old for this shit. See ya!

Chloe, keeping up the charade of being on the bad guy’s side, snitches on Drake and tells Harry where they needed to go. She then lets Drake and Sully escape. Confusing isn’t it? Drake and Chloe headed to Nepal, albeit separately; Drake on his own and Chloe with Harry and Lazarević. They planned to meet up in the Old Market of Kathmandu. The city was in ruins. That said, they were stunning-looking ruins. Lazarevic had used the country’s civil war as cover to level every temple he came across in search for the Cintamani Stone.

Drake, after blowing up vehicles, killing more of Lazarevic’s men and jumping from building to building in an effort that would shame Spiderman, did meet up with Chloe and the pair traveled further into Nepal’s capital. They scaled ruined buildings with ease, except for a couple of occasions when Drake found himself jumping in completely the wrong direction for no reason.

DRAKE: This is ridiculous. There are hundreds of temples here. How are we ever going to find the right one? Oh, wait…(he reads the dagger)…’It’s behind you’.

They turn and the temple they needed to reach was indeed right behind them. They went toward it when all of a sudden a woman and a cameraman appeared. It was Elena Fisher! What are the chance

DRAKE: Elena? What the hell?

ELENA: Drake? Oh my god. Don’t tell me you have something to do with Kathmandu being in ruins?

DRAKE: No! I do have something to do with a lot of the bodies you see around though. My bad!

CHLOE: Hello. I’m Chloe…and you are?

ELENA: Better than you!

The foursome were fired at and the they entered the temple. Elena and Jeff the Cameraman stayed in the lobby whilst Drake and Chloe searched deeper. They found a massive statue of a Deity with numerous arms and Drake checked his trusty journal. He found the entry he needed which showed the statue with a different set-up of arms. Drake didn’t hesitate in jumping all over the statue and re-arranged its limbs. A door opened and they went further down into the temple. After a long journey through dingy tunnels, they entered a massive room with the mother of all contraptions in. It was a larger version of the Dagger that Deake possessed and he spent the next hour climbing heights that normal people would crap themselves at and after bouncing some light around the room, another door opened. Whoever built this loves their secret doorways. They descended even further and they discovered a room with cobbled floors and a triangular hole.

CHLOE: Do we have anything triangular?

DRAKE: I have a Tolblerone.

CHLOE: Sorry, I ate that earlier. What about the dagger?

DRAKE: Of course! It’s a key!

He used the dagger to turn the triangle and the cobbled floor moved, impressively I add, and created an even bumpier floor.

DRAKE: I know this?

CHLOE: Really?

DRAKE: Yeah, look.

He took out a map and the bumpy floor was an exact replica of the topography on his map. Convenient! It pinpointed the position of Shamballah. It was in the Himalayas. They fled the temple upon being discovered by Lazarevic’s men and they met up with Elena and Jeff; with the latter now having been shot, Drake had to carry him away from danger. But no matter how hard they ran, they were captured by Lazarevic and Harry. The crazy Russian shot Jeff dead rendering all of Drake’s efforts useless, but he was just a cameraman so no one cared. Chloe turned on Drake, again, stole the dagger and left with Lazarevic. So, if we turn to our ‘Betrayal-o-meter’, we can see that Harry betrayed Drake, Chloe betrayed Harry and Chloe betrayed Drake.

Harry was just about to kill our hero and his familiar companion when they managed to escape. They ran through the city and managed to catch up with their foes at the train station. The train was heading to the Himalayas so Drake jumped on board whilst Elena was left to follow behind via jeep. Drake was stopped from boarding by a Nepal Tour Guide.

GUIDE: Hello and thank you for visiting Nepal. A quick survey if you don’t mind? On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate the vistas of Nepal?

DRAKE: 10

GUIDE: And the atmosphere?

DRAKE: It’s very hostile so…2.

GUIDE: And the nightlife?

DRAKE: Non existent…1.

GUIDE: So a 4/10 overall?

DRAKE: No, I’d give the overall feel an 8.

GUIDE: But the average is 4.

DRAKE: But that’s not the overall feel. Those points average 4, yes, but the overall feel is actually an 8.

GUIDE: That doesn’t make sense.

Drake slapped the tour guide and jumped onto the train.

Aboard the high speed train, Drake leapt from car to car defeating more enemies and as the train neared Nepal’s high, snowy mountains, a helicopter appeared and started firing willy-nilly at Drake. Personally I find that highly irresponsible; they could have easily damaged the train. Drake dodged the chopper’s offense and stumbled across an anti-aircraft gun. I’ll be sure to check out South West Trains next time I’m on one. Apparently it’s a staple feature of trains. He made light work of the helicopter and it went crashing into the mountains. Drake pushed further up the train only to be confronted by a goon that was wearing a different colour and said more than ‘there he is’ or ‘get him’, which Drake new was a sign that he was going to be tougher than a usual goon. He was indeed tough with an ability to absorb bullets like the T1000. In the end it was Drake’s fists that stopped the big guy. Makes sense! But he didn’t stay down for long and grabbed Drake by the throat. All of a sudden the tough goon’s brains came flying out of his temple. Drake turned and saw Chloe with a gun in her hand.

DRAKE: Cheers love!

CHLOE: What are you doing here?

DRAKE: I came to rescue you, among other things.

CHLOE: I don’t need your help. I’m an independent woman, can’t you tell but my aggressive nature and the way I use my sexuality as a tool?

DRAKE: Err…Okay then! So I’ll just go then?

CHLOE: You betrayed me, remember?

DRAKE: Actually, no. You betrayed me. All I did was rescue two other people.

CHLOE: Oh, sure, take their side.

DRAKE: Are you okay? You seem a bit…psychotic.

Chloe didn’t have time to answer before Harry appeared and fired at bullet straight into Drake’s abdomen. When will people learn? Aim for the head! Not that I want Drake to die, it’s just that it would have all been over there and then. But Chloe felt guilty and distracted Harry long enough for Drake to run down the train. He was soon followed. He finally reached the point where he couldn’t go any further. He sat down and watched as the enemies gained ground. Then he noticed a small label on the curtains that hung in the train car, it read: ‘These curtains are explosive when shot’. He did just that. The carriage exploded and lifted away from the tracks. It, and every carriage behind it, de-railed and skidded into the extremely attractive snow. Drake crawled from the wreckage and found the dagger sticking in the powdery floor. He picked it up and headed out into the blizzard where he was found by Tenzin; a friendly man who spoke no english and had a penchant for I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, but that’s another story for another time. Tenzin took our hero back to his homestead where Elena was waiting for him. She had followed in the jeep, remember? They healed Drake and introduced him to an elderly gentleman called Schafer who went on about the state of the youth today and the weather. But he did say something interesting.

SCHAFER: The dagger you possess will open the doors to Shamballah. The Cintamani Stone bestows great power. Some of the World’s most war-hungry leaders have all possessed a fragment of it including, Pol Pot, Genghis Kahn, Atilla the Hun and George Bush Jr. Imagine what a man would become if he possessed the stone itself.

DRAKE: The Hulk?

SCHAFER: That would be awesome…but no! Go with Tenzin into the mountains and find my expedition from 70 years ago.

DRAKE: Why?

SCHAFER: Why not?

Schafer had a good argument, so Tenzin and Drake did just that. As they traversed icy ledges and snow covered ridges they came across a pile of dead wolves. Tenzin said something but Drake couldn’t understand. What he was trying to do was warn Drake that, standing right behind him, there was a Yeti; A Yeti on drugs and with serious anger issues. Drake unloaded 3 clips of ammo on the monster whilst running around in circles screaming ‘What the Fu..’. Tenzin threw some butter-substitute at the animal and it slipped. Now that it was down, Tenzin took the opportunity to stab it 563 times. They quickly exited the cave. From their viewpoint they could see that Tenzin’s village was under attack. The pair of them ran all the way back to the settlement. Upon arrival, it was clear that Lazarevic and his men were invading. There seemed to be even more enemies now and somehow they were becoming even more resistant to bullets. Drake met up with Elena and she revealed that they had taken Schafer and the dagger. They followed their foes to an abandoned Monastery where they found Schafer mortally wounded. They advised him that everything would be okay. Schafer died shortly after. Don’t ever trust Drake! Before his last breath, he urged Drake to destroy the Cintamani Stone. He then bumped into Chloe.

CHLOE: Drake, I’m so sorry.

DRAKE: Go to hell.

CHLOE: I will. Here take this back and promise to kill Lazarevic.

DRAKE: Might do!

She handed Drake the dagger and then disappeared again. Lets look at the ‘Betrayal-o-Meter’: Harry betrayed Drake, Chloe betrayed Harry, Chloe betrayed Drake, Chloe betrayed Harry and Lazarevic.

Elsewhere at the Monastery, Lazarevic and his men were having no luck in progressing. Drake and Elena were searching the building when, out in the courtyard, they found a large set of stairs. Once at the top of these, Drake couldn’t help himself and released a Slinky. It bounced playfully from step-to-step and when it landed at the bottom, it accidentally flicked a switch which retracted the stairs opening up yet another secret passageway. They descended, again, but it wasn’t long before Lazarevic and his ‘crew’ caught up with them.

LAZAREVIC: You silly American. You vill not beat me. Now, open that door.

DRAKE: Don’t want to. Anyway, it’s made of Asbestos, it would be irresponsible.

LAZAREVIC: I vill kill your beloved blonde voman.

DRAKE: No you won’t.

LAZAREVIC: Okay, so I von’t. But I vill kill Chloe.

DRAKE: Oh don’t be such a girl. I’ll open the door, but let them go.

Drake went with Harry to unlock the door when all of a sudden they were attacked by the Yeti creatures that he came across in the ice caves. Both he and Harry ran around in circles screaming like girls. They were immortal. As the door slowly opened in the background Lazarevic pulled out a shotgun and killed the beasts in one shot.

DRAKE: Oh, sure! I bet if I had a shotgun they wouldn’t have died in one shot. What the hell are they?

LAZAREVIC: Your mum.

Lazarevic went on to explain that they were inhabitants of Shamballah that have been transformed by the Tree of Life, giving them near-invincibility. He kicked one of the Yeti’s and it’s mask fell off to reveal a purple human underneath.

DRAKE: He would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those pesky kids.

Tumbleweed rolled past.

DRAKE: Oh, come on! That was funny!

The door to Shamballah opened and the group got to see the paradise for themselves. Lazarevic was about to kill Drake, Chloe and Elena but all of a sudden, more of the Purple Guardians appeared and killed lots of Lazarevic’s men. This gave our heroes the chance to escape. They ran through the paradise and stumbled into another temple. Here, Drake learned that the Cintamani Stone was actually a large ball of resin that fed the Tree of Life. All of this for a fucking tree! I could understand if it were a Bonzai Tree because…well, you know…they are cool! Anyhoo. They left the temple only to find Harry Flynn bloodied and bruised.

DRAKE: I would ask if you are okay but I don’t care.

HARRY: Fair cop. Oh, but one more thing…

Harry released a grenade and Drake and Chloe jumped out of the way. Elena didn’t jump fast enough. She took the brunt of the explosion.

DRAKE: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

ELENA: I’m still alive!

DRAKE: Oh. You and Chloe wait here. I’m going to kill Lazarevic.

CHLOE: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

DRAKE: What?

CHLOE: It’s suicide.

DRAKE: I doubt it. I’m going to be in the third one.

He headed down toward the Tree of Life and there, leaning over a blue pool of sap, was Lazarevic. He drank the sap and became super human. Drake shot the sap and it lit up like Blackpool Pleasure Beach, but, Lazarevic was unharmed. Drake tapped Lazarevic on the shoulder.

DRAKE: Tag, you’re it!

Drake then ran in a circle with Lazarevic following every step. Every now and then Drake would shoot some of the tree sap and it exploded in his pursuers face. Lazarevic, strangely, didn’t see the pattern and carried on following Drake. After 2 hours of this reptitive, yet difficult task, Lazarevic dropped to his knees. Drake lifted his weapon.

DRAKE: Die, Le-son-of-a-bitch.

LAZAREVIC: You can not kill me.

DRAKE: In which case…

Drake threw a pack of Oreo cookies at Lazarevic and the Purple Guardians jumped on them with fierce competition. They got big bad guy confused with the biscuit goodness and tore him to pieces. Drake fled Shamballah as it started to crumble from the root up.

He grabbed Chloe and Elena on his way out and they were done. Back at Tenzin’s village, the trio, who had been joined by Sully, rested.

CHLOE: Do you love Elena?

DRAKE: Sure do.

CHLOE: It’ fine, I’m not upset. I’ll let you have her.

DRAKE: You’ll let me have her? I wasn’t asking for your permission to date other women. You lost that privilege after betraying me for the 7th time.

CHLOE: Oh, so I’ll see you around then?

DRAKE: Bye!

Chloe left. Elena and Drake shared a romantic embrace on the edge of the Himalayas as the Sun set.

ELENA: So, now what?

DRAKE: *Censored*

THE END

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