Abridged Too Far – Sixteen

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SONIC THE HEDGEHOG

There was once a hedgehog called Sonic. He liked to call himself Sonic the Hedgehog in case people confused him for a porcupine. He hated porcupines. Sonic was very distinctive due to the fact that he was bright blue with bright red shoes; that and the fact that he was the only hedgehog in the world that could walk and run on two legs. Oh and he was a kleptomaniac. He particularly liked to steal golden rings.

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One day, Sonic found himself in a place called Green Hill Zone. He had come to stop the efforts of Dr. Robotnik who was planning to terrorise his home planet of Mobius and turn all innocent creatures into mindless machines. Green Hill Zone was a nice looking place full of palm trees and green hills! Who’d have thought? Immediately however, a weird mechanical bug appeared and charged at Sonic.

SONIC: Hey there weird mechanical creature. How are you doing?

The creature bit Sonic causing him to go all…blinky. Sonic realised that Robotnik had already begun his offensive. Then a flying creature appeared and started firing fire at Sonic, from his bottom. Sonic was having none of this. He jumped, knocked the wasp out and landed on top of the beetle. His attention was soon drawn to a glint off something shiny above him; a golden ring.

SONIC: My precious. I must have that ring.

He jumped onto a ledge and stole the ring. From his new vantage point he could see hundreds of gold rings before him. He couldn’t contain his excitement. He put one foot in front of the other and in seconds was travelling at 3000 mph, which was a new World Record for ‘Fastest Travelling Hedgehog’. He zipped through Green Hill Zone in seconds and everything around became a blur. Bugs whizzed past, as did spikes, fish, springs and lampposts. Before he knew it, he found himself entering a new part of Green Hill Zone, but once again, the lure of the gold was too strong. He didn’t hesitate and off he went again. He jumped high in the air, bounced off a bug and smashed into a…TV! Of course. This was a magic TV though and Sonic now felt invincible and the music that had kicked in was very catchy.

SONIC: Da der, da der der, der der der der der der…Man, that’s going to be stuck in my head now.

He carried on speeding through, did loop-the-loops, squished more bugs and once again found himself entering a new part of Green Hill Zone (although you couldn’t tell, they were identical); but he just ploughed right on through. He finally reached the end of Green Hill Zone in approximately 23 seconds and without a single hitch. He was having a quick rest when all of a sudden; Dr. Robotnik appeared in a flying egg type thing. Sonic knew this wasn’t a welcoming committee…mainly because of the giant wrecking ball that was recklessly swinging from the bottom of it. Robotnik said nothing, but Sonic felt it was appropriate to jump on him 8 times. Luckily for Sonic, 8 was the number of hits that it took to destroy his machine. Dr. Robotnik skulked away allowing Sonic to release hundreds of squirrels and rabbits into the wild. They were grey squirrels however and Sonic was unaware that they were only going to be culled in an effort to protect Red squirrels; and the rabbits had myxomatosis so they were going to be slaughtered too. Anyway, it’s the thought that counts.

Sonic advanced and found himself in Marble Zone. It’s like The Crystal Maze isn’t it? Just with less bald men. Anyhoo! He immediately zipped off thinking it would be just as easy as before, but his hastiness lead him straight into a pool of lava and he burnt his bottom.

SONIC: Owwww! Geez, they should have warning signs up. Lava is dangerous.

He cautiously progressed and ended up deep underground with lava all around him. After singing his spikes several more times, Sonic learnt that the slow and steady approach was the way to go in this area. He stole loads more rings and eventually bumped into Dr. Robotnik again, who had fixed his hover-egg. Sonic didn’t wait to see what he had up his sleeve and immediately pounced on him with a baseball bat. He managed to smash him three times before Robotnik threw a Molotov cocktail and set fire to one of the platforms that Sonic stood on. Sonic didn’t care, he still had one non-flaming platform to use and from here he smashed Robotnik a further 5 times. Again, Robotnik’s machine died.

DR. ROBOTNIK: Damn it! I thought that would be hard. Back to the drawing board.

He disappeared and Sonic released more infected vermin into the wild. Hooray for Sonic!

Our blue hero now found himself in a place called Spring Yard Zone; called so because of all the springs that dangerously littered the area. Again, it was no real trouble for Sonic and he bounced around the place stealing as many things as he possibly could. He did however come across some trouble in the form of a posse of lobsters; lobsters that fired fire. The Lobster Gang, as they liked to be called, surrounded our poor hedgehog and before he knew it, Sonic saw all of his rings fly off into the air. He was pissed. He destroyed the Lobster Gang – something that the Crab Gang had been trying to do for years – and collected as many of his rings as he could. He stormed off in a huff because he could only reclaim a few. He sped through Spring Yard Zone and once again, came across Robotnik. This time, the moustached-evil had fitted a spike to the bottom of his hover-egg and descended on Sonic very slowly. Sonic watched as the spike got closer and closer before gently stepping out its way. The spike stuck into the platform and before Robotnik could get himself unstuck, Sonic pulled out a set of knuckle dusters and beat the crap of him. The machine died and Robotnik flew away, crying. Now, with more vermin released, Sonic went on his way. Are you seeing a pattern? I am.

Up next was Labyrinth Zone. Disappointingly, David Bowie was not present. This area was mainly underwater and Sonic was under the false impression that he could breathe under-water. He drowned.

THE END

Only joking, of course Sonic didn’t die; he realised that he could utilise conveniently placed air bubbles. As he neared the limit of his breath, he opened his mouth and inhaled the fresh oxygen.

SONIC: Wup wup.

He surfaced from the water and sped through the zone when all of a sudden, he heard a siren. He looked behind him.

SONIC: Shit! It’s the police.

Sonic stopped and pulled into a clearing. The policeman approached.

POLICEMAN: Excuse me sir, do you know how fast you were going back there?

SONIC: 29?

POLICEMAN: Try 3027mph.

SONIC: Ooo! That’s a new World Record.

POLICEMAN: Shut it, wise guy. What’s your name?

SONIC: Sonic.

POLICEMAN: Why were you travelling so fast?

SONIC: Errr…I just got a call to say my wife has gone into labour.

POLICEMAN: Really? What’s your wife’s name?

SONIC: Errr…Sonique!

POLICEMAN: Really? What Hospital is she at?

SONIC: The…Sonic…General Hospital.

POLICEMAN: The Sonic General Hospital is miles in the other direction. Here’s a £120 fine and you have 6 points on your boots.

SONIC: Fascist!

Sonic headed off at 29 mph until the policeman was out of sight and then breached the 3000mph mark again. It wasn’t long before he came across Robotnik.

SONIC: Oh, just give up already. You are the worst boss-man I have ever come across.

DR. ROBOTNIK: Give me a chance, I have a really good one this time.

Instead of attacking Sonic personally, Robotnik slowly raised the water level. It would have been a good plan had their not been a staircase that took Sonic beyond the highest water level.

DR. ROBOTNIK: Oh…bollocks to you.

Sonic sighed and released more vermin; however only a handful of creatures escaped due to the rest having suffocated to death.

Now Sonic advanced to Star Light Zone. It was basically one giant construction site that overlooked a big city. Sonic had no problems here. It was a simple case of run forward and dodge some very irresponsibly-placed bombs. The fun part of this level was the amount of high powered fans that occupied certain areas. Sonic had a ball just standing in front of them. It made his spikes and cheeks flap in an amusing fashion. He would have stayed there all day had it not been for the fact that he had more stuff to steal. He was planning on pawning the gold rings so that he could buy himself a Sega Saturn. I say ‘buy’, he was actually going to steal one but the thought was there. Anyway, Sonic advanced and…you guessed it; encountered Dr. Robotnik. There was a see-saw nearby and Sonic was so nonchalant toward his enemy that he decided to ignore him and start playing on it. Robotnik dropped a bomb on one end of the see-saw and as Sonic came down on the other, the bomb went flying up into the air and destroyed the hover-egg…again. Sonic had no idea about what had happened; he was having a whale of time.

DR. ROBOTNIK: I’ll be back Sonic.

SONIC: What happened? See-saws are fun. Weeeeeeee.

After 15 more minutes, Sonic got bored and advanced into Scrap Brain Zone.

I don’t think anyone knows what this zone was. It was very random. Compared to the rest of Sonic’s adventure, this area was actually quite tricky; but still, only as tricky as The Sun’s crossword. Dr. Robotnik made another appearance, but this time, he was without his hover-egg. Instead, he waddled over to a button, pushed it and sent Sonic plummeting down into some water. Told you it was random. Sonic gulped some air.

SONIC: Wup wup.

He finally surfaced from the water and bumped into Dr. Robotonik for the final time.

DR. ROBOTNIK: You are a complete pain in the arse, you know that?

SONIC: No, you’re just crap.

DR. ROBOTNIK: We’ll see.

Robotnik climbed in one of four giant pistons and they began moving up and down. Between movements, a red light would flash and generate 4, easily-avoidable, laser-balls. Robotnik kept changing pistons, but Sonic was clever enough to just stand in the corner waiting for Robotnik to occupy the nearest one. Every time he appeared, Sonic took out his Black Widow Catapult and fired spit-balls at him. It wasn’t long before Robotnik was defeated and he legged it.

DR. ROBOTNIK: Run away!

Sonic watched as he struggled into his hover-egg and before he could fly away, Sonic jumped and dropkicked the machine. It broke for a final time and Sonic watched as it began a sharp descent. It crashed in the distance.

SONIC: Oh crap. Now I have to go back put up with murderous squirrels and virus-infected rabbits. Kill me, kill me now.

THE END

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