There was once a man named Santa Claus, a.k.a. St Nick a.k.a. Father Christmas a.k.a. That bearded bloke off the Coke advert. Santa was a rotund gentleman with a jolly disposition and love of all things good…Or at least that’s what he liked people to think. In reality he was a miserable man who stayed in for 364 days of the year passing judgement on others using the excuse of ‘making toys’ to justify his recluse nature and we all know that he actually sits there ordering the latest gadgets off of the internet in between looking at some questionable material before deleting the cookies, cache and history, so that Mrs. Claus doesn’t find out about the deviant behaviour that goes on in the North Pole.
One day, Santa was doing the thing he loves the most: He was making his ‘Naughty or Nice’ list for 2009 with his usual smugness. The ‘Nice’ column currently consisted of 3 people whilst the ‘Naughty’ column was occupied by 4,923,781,994 names. He was particularly bitter this year. Here’s a portion of his ‘Naughty’ list:
One of Santa’s helpers, or ‘slaves’ as they would be known in today’s society, was taken aback by just how miserable Santa was this year and decided he would do something about it. He wrote a message on a small piece of paper, wrapped it around a candy cane, tied it around the talon of an eagle and sent it on its way with instructions to find Kratos.
Kratos was taking an angry stroll through the ruins of Rhodes looking for someone to vent his rage on when all of a sudden the eagle from the North Pole landed on his shoulder. Kratos would normally have reacted by grabbing the bird, pulling off each wing, removing its eyes and disembowelling it all before the bird had a clue what was happening; but this was different. Before it had even landed, Kratos could smell the delicious candy cane and he decided to let the bird rest. He took the present and scoffed down the sugary treat in seconds. The message that had been attached now sat firmly lodged in his throat and after a few coughs, it came flying out into his hand. Kratos read it.
I wish to inform you that Santa Claus is putting you, Drake, Sack Boy, Nariko, Batman, Visari, Alec Mason, Pac man, Solid Snake, Sonic, Derek and Lara Croft on to his naughty list this year and thus you will not be receiving any gifts. I am sure you will be particularly upset by this news and thought that maybe you could captain a formidable alliance and take down Santa Claus once and for all.
Love you lots
Kratos gritted his teeth and immediately set in motion plans to defeat Santa. Kratos had a grudge against St. Nick anyway due to the fact that, when in his pyjamas, he bore a striking resemblance to Zeus, and we all know, in the end, Zeus will pay. He climbed onto Cronos’ back and from there he shouted to the heavens. Calling on all of the names mentioned to him, he formed an ultimate band of warriors with which to storm the North Pole.
The band of ‘naughties’ reached the snowy plains of the North Pole and prepared for the attack. Sack Boy had pulled out his Poppit and in seconds had created a luxurious igloo for them all to rest and plan in. It took them several nights to reach an agreement on how best to take Santa’s village by force. In that time Drake slept with Lara and things between them were now weird, Pac Man had eaten their supply of snow balls, Batman had invested millions of dollars into the assault and Alec Mason had weakened their icy structure with some late-night sledgehammer action. Kratos pulled rank on the last day however and threatened each and every one of them with a horrible death and an eternity in the River Styx if they did not behave themselves. Needless to say, the team were once again unified and their plan was a masterpiece.
KILL SANTA PLAN
Charge on village.
Kill anything that moves.
Dance on Santa’s lifeless body.
The next morning, as the Sun barley breeched the horizon, the unified team descended upon Santa’s town. It was quiet and nothing was stirring; not even a mouse…but that was because Kratos killed the 3 mice he had already encountered and now all of the other mice were hiding in fear.
KRATOS: It’s too quiet. I’ve been tricked by many a God before and I can spot a trap from a mile away.
DRAKE: Agreed. If Santa’s English or Russian then he’s bound to be up to no good.
SNAKE: The perimeter is probably surrounded with C4 and trip wires, which, when activated, will release a nuclear missile in our direction followed by 34 Metal Gears and the La-Li-Lu-Lo-Fa-De-Do-Doe will come and kill us all.
LARA: Snake, I think it’s best if you calm down a little. Why don’t you go and have a cigarette?
PAC MAN: This is Inky’s fault. He’s crafty like that.
SONIC: I’m pretty sure a Ghost couldn’t plan a trap, Pac. It has to be Robotnik.
SACK BOY: Robotnik doesn’t have the brains to plan a trap, Sonic. No it has to be the collector.
ALEC MASON: You are all wrong. The Collector is just as useless as the others you mention…It’s the EDF. I know it.
VISARI: My people. Son’s and Daughter’s of Helghan; this much I vow…
DEREK: Not now Visari.
It descended into chaos. The group of warriors argued over who was the culprit of this trap and which of their foes were better. They were unaware that there was no trap; Santa didn’t have a clue what they were planning. The bickering had woken Father Christmas from his slumber and he raised the silent alarm. He exited his cabin and peered up at the ridge that overlooked the village to see the congregation of ‘naughties’ fighting among themselves. That was until Kratos spotted him.
KRATOS: STOP FIGHTING! Look, there he is. CHARGE!
The group immediately did as they were commanded and charged toward Santa’s location. All except for Alec Mason who had become stuck between a pebble and a stone; he was going to be out of action for a while.
Kratos lead the way with Drake and Lara right behind him. Drake was going for the fight; Lara was going wherever Drake went. Pac Man and Sack Boy decided to flank Santa from the right whilst Batman and Snake took the left. Derek stayed behind and lined Santa up in his Pip Boy. Visari had brought his arm chair and decided that watching was all he was good for. Sonic was travelling at 3009mph in the wrong direction because he thought he saw something golden and shiny. Nariko, although she was trying her best, was a little disorientated by the fact that Santa didn’t look anything like her normal enemies and this made her unsure as to whether he was friend or foe.
Santa didn’t flinch at the approaching danger. He stood firm. Just as they were a few meters from his location, Santa stamped his foot into the powdery snow and the floor beneath them began to shake. The log cabins that sat peacefully in the winter scene began to crumble and explosions began going off left, right and center. Our advancing heroes had no choice but to hit the deck. From the cracks in the ground emerged all manner of ‘Santa Minions’.
Derek, from his vantage point, unloaded a few rounds into Santa’s left arm…it had the highest percentage of accuracy. The bullets ripped through Father Christmas’ flesh and his arm dropped to the floor. Santa chuckled at this minor inconvenience before sprouting another appendage in its place. He focused on Derek and shot lasers from his shiny belt buckle and decapitated him.
Nariko was first on her feet and wasted no time in continuing her tentative charge toward Santa.
KRATOS: Nariko! Wait!
Nariko paused and turned to face Kratos.
NARIKO: Oh, I see. You think that because I’m a female I can’t take care of myself, is that it? Well you know what, Baldy? I can take out hundreds of men with one swift swing of my Heavenly Sword. It’s chauvinistic pigs like you that have kept us women from the forefront of our business.
LARA: You go, girl!
Kratos was so fed up with having women betray him that he didn’t make Nariko aware that Santa was lining her up in his sights. Santa had a massive ‘Present Gun’ and fired 4 extremely heavy objects at her head. The objects, which turned out to be PlayStations, lodged in her head and she was dead before she hit the floor. Before they had time to regroup, Pac Man was already beginning his assault. I say ‘assault’, he was actually aiming for the white bobble that dangled from Santa’s hat. St. Nick threw a ninja star at the advancing yellow pie chart and it sliced Pac Man in two.
SACK BOY: RETREAT!
KRATOS: We do not retreat, you coward. Anymore talk like that and I will murder you myself.
Batman swung in from the left and kicked Santa in the head. The jolly fat man was taken by surprise.
Snake snuck past their flamboyantly dressed enemy.
SANTA: Huh! What was that noise?
He turned to see Snake pointing a silenced pistol in his direction. 4 shots were unloaded in quick succession, all of which entered Santa’s chest, forcing him down onto one knee. Snake began to run away but Santa grabbed his ankle and as he landed with a thud in the snow. From nowhere came thousands of tiny little elves and they pulled Snake apart…literally.
KRATOS: Shit! We’re dropping like flies! Drake, get in there.
Kratos turned to see Drake staring at the snow.
KRATOS: Drake. What are you doing?
DRAKE: This snow isn’t as good looking as Nepal’s.
KRATOS: Now’s not the time to be looking at snow you…
Kratos didn’t have time to finish his sentence due to the fact that Santa had shoved a gigantic Christmas tree though Drake’s chest and he now stood propped up by the festive foliage. Lara screamed and couldn’t take the pain of having her new love die. She raised her pistol, pointed it at her temple and pulled the trigger.
KRATOS: You stupid bitch. Is there anyone left?
A shadowy figure emerged from the background.
BATMAN: I’m still here.
In his own unique, broody style, Batman calmly walked up to Santa and engaged in an amazing hand-to-hand fist fight with the bearded evil. As Santa succumbed to each blow that landed, Batman took out his grapple with the intention of finishing him off in style. He pointed it above his head and fired…nothing happened. Batman looked up.
BATMAN: There aren’t any Gargoyles?! How can I ever swing…
This tiny distraction gave Santa the opening he needed. With fist clenched he spun around and landed the biggest punch you will ever see, right to Batman’s jaw – which subsequently fractured in four pieces. Batman hit the ground where he quickly froze to death.
SANTA: Chill out!
It was just Kratos and Santa now. The big show down. Kratos was pissed and in no way was he going to meet the same fate as his fellow warriors. He unleashed Cronos’ Rage and while Santa was in shock, Kratos charged at him with the Blades of Chaos drawn.
The blades entered Santa’s ample stomach and burned his flesh as they were withdrawn. Santa coughed up blood and his eyes began to glaze over. Not content with the injuries he had already inflicted, Kratos then thrust Santa high into the air and jumped after him. As they began to fall back down to Earth, Kratos unleashed a fury of attacks and Santa’s blood covered every inch of the surrounding snow-covered landscape and a his large frame hit the ground, hard. Kratos landed on his feet, lifted his Blades high into the air…
KRATOS: Zeus will pay.
But before Kratos could deliver the final blow, a massive piece of ‘Standard Concrete’ smashed into Santa’s skull and Sack Boy appeared wearing a scowl on his face and a sparkle in his eye.
SACK BOY: Take that, bitch.
Sack Boy jumped onto Kratos’ shoulder and after a quick jig on Santa’s corpse, the two of the walked victoriously into the distance.